SANTA CRUZ (The Borowitz Report) - Study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa 
Cruz has revealed that mating between humans and Neanderthals may explain one 
of science's most persistent mysteries: the existence of Glenn Beck.

"We believe that sex between a human and a Neanderthal may have resulted, some 
fifteen thousand years later, in several of the Fox News Channel's primetime 
hosts, including Glenn Beck," said a leading genetic researcher at the 
university.

But while sex between humans and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the 
controversial Fox host, other mysteries remain, the researcher said: "While it 
is likely that a human would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unclear who 
would have sex with Glenn Beck."

The discovery that Neanderthals and humans mated fifteen thousand years ago 
took many scientists by surprise: "Previously, we thought the first time this 
occurred was on on 'Jersey Shore.'"
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