December 20, 2010
Goldman’s Massive Bonuses ‘Totally Deserved,’ Says Satan
Prince of Darkness Praises Wall Street Colleagues
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to
Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking
giant’s legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.
In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended
Goldman’s bonuses today, welcoming reporters at his apartment in New York’s
Trump Tower.
“I don’t doubt for a minute that my friends at Goldman deserved those bonuses,”
Satan said, adding that “buying their souls was the best investment I ever
made.”
“It really is the gift that keeps on giving,” he chuckled.
The Evil One said that the bloated Goldman bonuses were “just the cherry on
top” of what has been “one of my best years ever.”
“From Mel Gibson to Tony Hayward to the gang at Goldman, 2010 has had more than
its share of heroes,” he said. “I salute them all.”
Satan added that his banner year was even going out with a bang: “Just when I
thought this year couldn’t get any better, this weekend I saw Yogi Bear.”
The Lord of Misrule said he was looking forward to the holiday season, a time
when some of “the greatest evil against humanity” is perpetrated: “Every time
someone puts on a Christmas sweater, I give myself a high five.”
Elsewhere, President Obama praised the New York Giants for compromising with
the Philadelphia Eagles.
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