AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report) – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced his bid for the Republican presidential nomination today, unveiling his official campaign slogan, “What Harm Could a Governor from Texas Do?” In throwing his hat into the ring, Gov. Perry explained his earlier reluctance to run: “I promised the people of Texas I would destroy the state by 2012, and now it looks like we’re on track to do that.” Gov. Perry said that he hoped to bring down the cost of the federal government the same way he reined in costs in Texas, “by making the state no longer habitable for human life as we know it.” He said that his plan to eliminate the states one by one was picking up steam, with support from Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and Florida Governor Rick Scott. As President, Gov. Perry promised, he would push a three-part agenda: “Eliminate education, eliminate healthcare, and pray for Rapture.” He said his one regret about his tenure as governor was that Texas never seceded from the United States, but added, “As President, I promise that the United States will secede from Planet Earth.” In related news, the GOP presidential candidates "are pretty much perfect," according to a new poll of voters named Barack Obama.
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