Dear Amy:
I was shocked at your advice to "Ambivalent Mom-to-Be," whose friend
suggested that she should get an abortion rather than have her fourth
child.
I feel a true friend is the one who looks after your interests and
does not hesitate to give advice, even if the advice is not
appreciated. The lady is a true friend and the Ambivalent Mom-to-Be
should be very happy to find such a friend in this materialistic age.
We do not need friends who tell us what we want to hear -- as they are
not friends at all.
Gurdeep
Her reply:
There is a difference between offering advice and serving up an
unsolicited opinion that someone should get an abortion. The latter
completely crosses the line.
*************************************************************************
"a true friend is the one who looks after your interests and does not
hesitate to give advice, even if the advice is not appreciated"?
Since when is having an abortion the writer's INTEREST? Unbelievable!
This is a follow-up to this letter:
Dear Amy:
I am a 40-year-old married woman with three school-age children. I am
four months pregnant with my fourth child. The pregnancy was a huge
surprise, as my husband and I were using contraception.
I am not ecstatic about this pregnancy, but I've resigned myself to
the idea. I did consider abortion at the beginning because we really
hadn't planned for another child, but when I look at my three kids, I
know I couldn't live with the guilt of terminating the pregnancy. My
husband and I are in a position where one more child would not pose a
financial burden, and I am a stay-at-home mother anyway.
I did not discuss my options with anyone other than my husband. To
others, I put a positive spin on it and act like, "Oh, what a surprise
-- it's a good thing we didn't give the crib away!"
I am pro-choice and would never judge anyone who would choose to
terminate a pregnancy.
When I told one of my friends that I was pregnant, she got upset with
me "for letting this happen at your age." She told me that she thinks
I should exercise my "right to choice" and have an abortion. I told
her that I have decided to have the baby and that it already has a
heartbeat.
She said that "there ain't nothing there that you can call a life" and
that obstetricians perform ultrasounds so early in pregnancy to
"browbeat and intimidate" women into having babies that they don't want.
This woman and I have been good friends for about 10 years. I feel
like I don't want this person around my kids anymore, especially this
new baby.
Do you think that what she said to me was inappropriate? Is it ever
appropriate to tell a pregnant woman that you think she should abort
her pregnancy, especially when she is announcing the pregnancy and not
asking for advice?
Ambivalent Mom-to-Be
Your friend's comments to you were worse than inappropriate.
This person has made it clear that she can't support your choice,
using particularly harsh and insensitive terms. In doing so, she has
perverted the whole idea of "choice."
In general, if a woman announces her pregnancy and there is any
question of how she feels about it, then the most appropriate response
is to ask, "How are you feeling?" This gives a woman a chance to
express what is going on and how she feels about it.
Unfortunately for you, your (former) friend wasn't interested in your
feelings but only in imposing her own values and standards on your
situation.
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