--- In [email protected], Jen McClurg <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
wrote:
>
> I just got this email from a co-worker and I thought
> it might be worthy of this group. It has humor, an
> old dog, and Bush bashing. =)
>
> I hope you enjoy!
> ~Jen
>
> Here is a story to remember....long but worth the
> read....
>
> Yesterday afternoon, Maddie was napping, I was doing
> work on the computer and Sam was playing well by
> himself in the basement near our computer. Sam said,
> "mom, i'm going upstairs to get something." He turned
> the corner, paused and yelled out, "mom, there is a
> snake on the steps!" WHAT? I looked over and there
> was a 3 foot black snack coiled up on the steps. I
> look at it long enough to realize Sam is correct and I
> see it yawn and open it's mouth. I swear it looked
> like a boa constrictor at that point. I ran into the
> other room with Sam and said something profound like,
> "mommy, doesn't know what to do."
>
> I called Bob who suggested I get a snow shovel and hit
> it over the head. Being 6+ months pregnant, barefoot
> and with a 4 year old, I decided to find another
> solution. Our dog, Murphy, a Pembroke Corgi who by
> nature is a herding dog, is just ambling around the
> basement as if she has nothing to do. Obviously,
> Murphy has strick guidelines for herding--fuzzy and
> woolly things only.
>
> By this point, the snake had moved off the step and
> into another room in the basement. This allowed Sam
> and I to make a break upstairs. Sam, in his wisdom,
> said, "mom, you have to carry me. I'm not walking up
> the steps by myself." Right! Funny how 40 pounds
> doesn't seem too heavy with an adrenaline rush.
>
> Sam and I booked it upstairs (Maddie was still
> sleeping). We have a list of Arlington County phone
> numbers on the side of our refigerator---that handy
> list that includes detox, housing, HIV testing,
> reporting a blinking traffic light plus the Animal
> Warden! I made the call and the number takes you to
> the Animal Welfare League located .5 mile from our
> house. They dispatched the Animal Control to make a
> run to our house.
>
> Sam and I go outside looking for moral support from
> the neighbors. Sam sees several people and gives them
> the entire play-by-play. He also declares, "i'm NOT
> going back into the house." Our faithful neighbor,
> Sharon, declared this the worst thing ever and told us
> to get over to her house. I woke up Maddie who was
> pleased to hear she was going to "Tom and Sharon's to
> watch TV." We head over to Tom and Sharon's. I called
> Bob who decided to come home at this point. I called
> back Animal Warden to check on status of Animal
> Control (hi...I called a few minutes ago about the
> snake?). ETA on animal control only 2 minutes away.
> Person on the phone says, "just be sure to keep an eye
> on the snake so we know where it is." Sure...I'm long
> gone sister. Animal Control comes and a 30 year old
> female animal "controller" comes to our door. How cool
> is that--a chick comes to rescue us. She pulls her
> hair back into a pony tail so she can get down to
> business with her cloth sack and long stick with a
> clamp.
>
> We head downstairs and I show Jennifer, the animal
> "controller," the last known position of the snake. We
> look all over the basement and snake wasn't found. You
> realize how much #$()*# you have when you are looking
> for places for a snake to hide.
>
> All of a sudden Jennifer says, "oh, there it is!" The
> following is verbatim of the next 10 seconds:
>
> Jennifer: "oh, there's the snake!"
> Jennifer: "It's on the computer desk."
> Jennifer: "Oh, there are 2 snakes."
> Jennnifer: "wait, the snakes are MATING!"
> Jennifer: "holy, shit!"
> Ashley: "i'm going upstairs to barf."
>
> I go upstairs (not to get sick). Bob arrives home and
> heads downstairs. You know you've been part of a
> moment when your animal controller shouts out "holy
> shit!"
>
> Sam and Maddie are outside with Sharon, the neighbor.
>
> Jennifer comes out with the snakes in a bag. We had
> two, 3 foot long rat snakes in our house. Rat snakes
> are harmless. Our house is declared free of snakes
> having sex. Our neighbor Sharon asks out loud, "how do
> they even do that?"
>
> Jennifer said the snakes were quite docile and easy to
> catch. The joke then became, "well of course the
> snakes were docile. Those two things were practically
> smoking cigarettes at that point." The other joke of
> the day becomes our house=cheap hotel for snakes to
> creep around and find easy place to mate (kind of like
> 18 year olds on prom night).
>
> Jennifer says we should probably Lysol down the
> computer desk. Lysol? Try 100% bleach.
>
> Arlington County has a local newspaper called the
> Arlington Connector. Each week there is a short
> section called "Animal Watch" that reports the
> activities of Animal Control. I ask Jennifer if we
> will make it into "Animal Watch." Jennifer said, "oh,
> absolutely. this is a great story. you all will be
> famous." Clearly Jennifer will have the story of the
> week among the Animal Control team. At that point, I
> decide to send Animal Welfare League a letter praising
> Jennifer Greiner, Animal Controller extraordinaire.
>
> I called my parents. My Dad says, "that's incredible!"
> My mom says, "you should move!" Of course she says
> that. My mom thinks we live in a terrorist death zone
> plus she hates snakes. Never mind the fact that
> Arlington County Animal Control has a strong response
> time than FEMA or Homeland Security put together.
> Hopefully my mom didn't read the paper and see how DC
> is now equated with Providence, RI as far as receiving
> security funds from DHS for security. NEVER MIND the
> fact that if George Bush or Cheney fart their 50+
> person posse jumps into sniper mode and charges the
> overtime to DC government.
>
> Sorry...back to the story. Well, that's the story. I'm
> typing this email at the now infamous computer desk.
> You better believe it when I say my feet haven't
> touched the carpet as I typed out this email.
>
> My new criteria for quality of life living=living in a
> place that has a kick ass Animal Control Department.
> Here's to Jennifer Greiner and God's wild kingdom.
>
> --Ashley, Bob, Sam, Maddie, Murphy, and a couple of
> hot and heavy Rat Snakes.
>
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