51 Rules for a Power Metal fan to avoid being labelled
as gay 

1. No matter what you do, you are gay 
2. Don’t enjoy ManOwar, they are gay 
3. Never go outside carrying a sword. 
4. Don’t hold you sword and scream “poweeeeeer of
steeel”. That is gay 
5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong
in metal. 
6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds. 
7. Never talk about hobbits. Hobbits are gay 
8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation
of the word Elf in it. 
9. Don’t say Hail and Kill. That is quite homosexual. 
10. Avoid saying, “man that guy sure has a great
11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have
voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay 
12. Scratch that, you have no girlfriend. 
13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it.
Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck. 
14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as “the saviours“,
or “the templars”. 
15. Don’t listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year.
Hammerfall are gay 
16. Do not live in your parents basement. 
17. Do not live with your parents. 
18. Do not ask your mother to wash your Tolkien
19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate
20. That’s all you know? You are gay 
21. Do not go to Renaissance fairs. That is beyond gay

22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit. 
23. Do NOT carry your sword. 
24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob. 
25. Don’t talk to her about ManOwar. Refer to rule 2. 
26. Do not refer to intercourse as “returning the
dragon to its lair” 
27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse. 
28. Do not listen to faggoth. 
29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag
30. Do not get offended when people say that
Stratovarius sounds like Helloween. 
31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki. 
32. Avoid saying “Slays.” 
33. Don’t refer to Death Metal as “cookie monster
34. If you do not like Death Metal, pretend to know
something about it. 
35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal. Fag! 
36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal. Fag! 
37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth. See 101 Rules of
Black Metal. 
38. Don’t masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen.

39. Don’t masturbate to a picture of ManOwar. Cretin. 
40. Don’t masturbate wearing leather. 
41. Don’t masturbate wearing armour. 
42. Switch hands. 
43. Avoid saying the word “Power” too often. 
44. If you have a band do not use the following words
in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Metal, Sword,
Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Metal, Kings, Battles. 
45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do
not brush them off as Posers. 
46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy
47. Never say “Heavy metal or no metal at all”. In
other words, don't be gay 
48. Don’t wear loin cloths. You know what’s coming.
49. Don’t scream “metal brother” at concerts unless
you like beatings. 
50. Don't be Dani Filth...err i mean, NEVER carry your
sword outside your house! 
51. Refer to rule 1.

Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005 

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