Evo vam malo Shiva da se opustite veceras pred
spavanje a i attachment da nervira Milosha ;-)

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 Day One:
 Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
 Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
 Still not King.

 Day Four:
 Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
 Not King yet.

 Day Six:
 Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
 Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
 Still not King.

 Day Ten:
 Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
 Not King today either.

 Day Eleven:
 Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
 Legolas may be hotter than me.
 I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

 Day 28:
 Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I
 make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
 Still not King.

 Day 30:
 In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
 Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
 Took a shower. Yay!
 But still not King.

 Day 32:
 Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
 Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
 I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
 Nope, not King.

 Day 33:
 Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
 Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am
 now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
 Not so sure about Gimli either.
 RIP Boromir.
 Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might
 however have been blood loss.

 Day 34:
 Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
 My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
 Not so sure about me either.
 Still not King, goddammit.


The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus

 Day One:
 Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow
 some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important
 - gold ring so tacky.

 Day Four:
 Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate
 all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow
 insisted we climb back down.
 Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

 Day Six:
 Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid
 I am developing a tangle.
 Orcs so silly.
 Still the prettiest.

 Day Ten:
 Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a
 spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for
 years or more.
 Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

 Day Eleven:
 In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
 Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same
 look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used
 her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.
 I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one
 strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
 Still prettiest by far.

 Day 30:
 All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
 Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam
 will kill him if he tries anything.
 Still the prettiest.

 Day 33 :
 Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as
 already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
 Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself
 "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have
 super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

 Day 35:
 Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by
 Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows
 around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.
 Cannot understand it.
 Am feeling a pout coming on.
 Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each
 other, rather cute really.
 Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can
 see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.
 Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.


 The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor

 Day One:
 Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He
 thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet
 on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm,
 defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't
 mean that....what?
 Got distracted there for a bit.
 Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by
 Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.


 Day Three
 Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

 Day Four
 Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
 Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved
 right up his...

 Stupid Ring.

 Day Four:
 Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
 Ha Ha! Ha!
 Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

 Day Six:
 Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
 "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying
 to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
 Blatant favoritism most annoying.

 Day Ten:
 Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

 Day Eleven:
 Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
 Kind of liked it, actually.
 Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.
 Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little
 things, too...
 In other news, Gandalf died.

 Day 30:
 In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to
 my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
 Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy
 git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
 Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of
 time he did not mean with each other.
 Stupid Aragorn.

 Day 33 :

 Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must
 admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
 Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little
 cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
 Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

 Day 35:
 Killed by orcs.
 Stupid orcs.



 Day One:
 Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam
 gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so
 Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am
 assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.

 Day Three
 Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad

 Day Four
 Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount
 Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn
 on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

 Day Six:
 Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
 He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
 Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

 Day Ten:
 Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
 Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
 It must truly be an object of awesome power.

 Day Eleven:
 Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy
 wizard hat not just for show.
 Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.

 Day 24 :
 Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to
 find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
 Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

 Day 27 :
 Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but
 she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,
 Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave
 her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some
 of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

 Day 30 :
 Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me
 a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is
 not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor
 other parts.
 Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

 Day 33 :
 Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am
 fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving,
 as Boromir quite huge.

 Day 36 :
 Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
 Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those
 platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
 Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite
 fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet
 quite a turn-on.
 Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.



 Day One:
 Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it
 would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
 Did I say that out loud?

 Day Three:
 Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.
 Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty
 clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one.
 Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite
 enough, Samwise Gamgee.
 Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

 Day Four:
 Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

 Day Five:
 Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
 Gandalf no fun at all.

 Day Six:
 Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to
 why his fingers are all wrinkled.
 Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

 Day Seven:
 Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.
 Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!
 Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

 Day Eight:
 Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.
 Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my
 Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with
 small men in shorts.

 Day Nine:
 Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will
 kill him if he tries anything.

 Day Ten:
 V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn
 every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.
 Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later
 about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young
 hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways.
 Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

 Day Fifteen:
 Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr.
 Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference
 would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on
 Hate Pippin.

 Day Twenty-Two:
 Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
 Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere
 water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as
 get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.

 Day Twenty-Three:
 Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of
 course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was
 to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know
 that's a big fib don't we.

 Day Twenty-Four:
 Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
 Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs
 cheering up as  seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well
 as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren
 wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
 We will see about that.



 Day One:
 In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or
 was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came

 Day Two:
 Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.
 Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad
 either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

 Day Three:
 Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

 Day Twelve:
 Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody
 tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown
 probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.

 Day Thirteen :

 Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good
 for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

 Day Fourteen :
 Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

 Day Sixteen :
 Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were
 not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay
 you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.

 Day Nineteen :
 Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving
 Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond
 getting annoyed.

 Day Twenty :
 Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able
 to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have
 agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a
 bath. Could use one.

 Day Twenty-One:
 Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
 Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're
 not serious." Useless git.

 Day Twenty-Three :
 V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry
 Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about
 on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

 Day Twenty-Five :
 Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still
 angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

 Day Twenty-Six:
 In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

 Day Twenty-Seven:
 Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable
 things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to
 tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged
 in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant
 third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not
 laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend
 with Sauron. Ha!




 Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a
 nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed
 by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly
 familiar and grabby.
 Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After
 he found one that was just the right shape, too.

 V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly
 sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking
 me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.

 Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas
 seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I
 admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like
 pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.

 Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed
 his hair. Is really starting to bother me.

 Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go
 for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of
 Gondor. Can't wait.

 Later that night
 Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon
 armies of the West?
 Apparently not.
 V. educational, all the same.

 V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir
 cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git
 with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn
 obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries

 Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's boots, thus explaining
 why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
 Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.

 Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship,
 Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from
 Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off
 to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.

 Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath.
 Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things
 than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have
 nightmares for weeks.

 Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
 Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.

 Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course,
 Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the
 time, actually.
 Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.

 Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got
 himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
 Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says
 we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking
 forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.




Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous
letters to
Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.

Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.


Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not
because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.


Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except
of one
v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps
Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably
cool it
for a while.


Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor.
Just my
luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just
force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the
Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.


Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted
to yap
on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy
hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off
remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well,
Saruman the
White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling
moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.


Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf.
have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more
effectively, and
would not have to wait until after breakfast.


All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.


Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will
save me
daily stair climb.


Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip
four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's
son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being
yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or
it's a dwarf.

What a bunch of yobbos.


Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious
as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and
flowers. Next
time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to
super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink


Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so
darn messy.
Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman
Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the


If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?


Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously
trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with
one of
the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who
has long
wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just
"gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.


Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir
smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since
Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with
bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.

Soon I will run out of characters. This one's for Alex Malfoy, who does not
like it
when the Fellowship is bitchy. :D



Grr. Argh.


Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have
Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without
subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is
ridiculous. Got
splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky


Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning.
they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can't
grow decent beards.


Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely
hottie elf fiancce in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in
breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her


Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!


Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin
not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and
poncy elves
than hang about Rivendell taking about 'our relationship.'


V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the
mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair
just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in
trousers. That's right, Isildur's Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly,


In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that
Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have
occurred to me
that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks.
cannot be expected to keep track of everything.


Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on
Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor
into my
solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear
about if not.


Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries
Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech.
Legolas then
asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all
that Elvish
poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for
spanking games.


In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling
Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing
just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for
everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was
Cannot much tell difference with elves.


Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely.
looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get
Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir,
so will
see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for
warrior-bonds between men.




Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not
actually all
that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and
lathered up.
Became even more suspicious when "washing dishes" punishment followed by
Gandalf's staff" punishment and "massaging Gandalf's feet" punishment and
leapfrog in the cabbage patch" punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid,
Especially with the foot thing.


V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape.
more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three
corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic.
I mean,
could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast.

All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough
whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from
cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin
down a
cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad.


Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by
and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf
"The Gray"
earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup
jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton
although would not go in for that sort of thing myself.


Everything going from bad to worse.  Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of
disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not
anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going
back to
own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping
for mad
hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all
hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and
Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what?


Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying
human. Told
him to sod off and he said "That's not what you said last night." After
moment of
confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away,
embarrassed, after explaining, "I'm really meant to be King, you know." Sure
he is,
and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.


In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing
noises all
night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last
only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself
with much
embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not
Have decided to invest in name tag.


Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me!


Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what
happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course
him if he tries anything.

Hope he tries something.


Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always
sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get it. Boromir
had a go
at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head.
Humans so
amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but
to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of


Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old 'Horn of
trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once.


Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed
out to
him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship
three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually
cannot tell
me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit
forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut,
perhaps mohawk
of some sort.


Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is
difficult to
keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under
covers with
me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?"
ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said,
of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not
Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat.


Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to
Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of
Silmarillion: The
Musical. Could not watch myself ? far too many high kicks.


In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last
all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off
Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps?.no,
certainly not.


Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag
our way
out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he
will have
to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand
new carrot
as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while
he was
not looking. All in all a v. good day.


V. Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5

Day 1

Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty

Day 1,000,967

Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per
usual, Sauron
ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life
of vile

Still disembodied.

Day 1,001,056

V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v.
annoying as
Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul
for a
triple word score. Yeah, I didn't think so.

Day 1,001,102

Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying
sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can
dress up again.

Day 1,001,105
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to
forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have
somehow gotten
hold of Ruling Ring. Witch-King of Angmar's suggestion to place pictures of
Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.

Day 1,001,106

Have been given brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
Go me!
On minus side, still disembodied.

Day 1,001,107

V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of
while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three

Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower
rather than possession of heroic-type

Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in
Bree. V.
much looking forward to post-slaughter

Day 1,001,109

Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy
Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the
Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by
spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!

Day 1,001,115

Have been following Isildur's heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 1,001,116

Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all
wonky and
possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although
did not
notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.

Day 1,001,119

Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur's Heir today. Was so busy laughing at
concept of
Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having "girlfriend" that inconveniently got
washed away
in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren't you, what?


The Secret Diary of Gollum

Day One

Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty
Mountains only to discover
was booby trap set by

Stupid Sauron.

Day Five

Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch ?Flipper? over
and over until give in
and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over
millennia. Will not give in.
Will remain strong.

Day Six

Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of ?The Faculty.? Cannot cope. Have
told them where Ring is.

Day Eight

Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last
few weeks no one has
responded to personal ad
placed in Shire Weekly. ?Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed
curly-headed hobbit. Must
enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in
third person. No smokers.?

Day Ten

Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as
is constantly being
half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of
water since being forced
to watch dolphin movie 300 times.

Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.

Day Eleven

Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise
unsuccessful. Was stashed in
storage closet by annoying
Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen?s
dresses in front of
mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest
after all. Miss days of
yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers.
Although something to be
said for Legolas? boots-and-skirt ensemble.

Day Thirteen

Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling
him purple does not suit
his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan.

Day Fifteen

Cannot believe men still using hoary old ?Blow the Horn of Gondor? pickup
line. Remember when
original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of
silly-looking horn. Now
know why.

Too bad for Isildur?s Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have
expressed no interest in his
stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if
he tries anything.

Day Thirty

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain.
Nobody wants to carry me up

Stowed away in Legolas? backpack but excessive nancing was not good for
stomach. Have been sick all
over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.

Day Thirty One

V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of
Legolas complaining loudly
about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin.
Gandalf stuck gum in his
hair while he wasn?t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.

Day Thirty Three

Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v.
mopey. Still carrying
torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out,
explain to Gandalf that
while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and
lifestyles that are in
complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this
sounded like
meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start
living in the now.

Day Thirty Four

Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory
death of both. Perhaps
was not cut out to be
matchmaker after all.

Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to
cuddle me, just because am
misshapen and covered
in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from
Boromir anyway.

Day Thirty Six

In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from
Ringbearer by placing
carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make
facial mask. Aragorn told
him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch.
Legolas complained he is
not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn?t exactly getting any
older, either.

Day Thirty Nine

Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor.
Perhaps after bite off his
finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just
have to figure out how to
get around Sam first.

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