When I said that, I didn't mean anything deep and significant.

What I meant was, when you have a problem with [fill-in-the-blank], that's
YOUR problem.  You can blame it on the object of your unease, but most of
the time you can't control the object, whether it be another person or a
even a thing or situation - you can only control yourself and your reaction
or relationship to that object.

In the personal case you shared with us you can't really control your
ex-husband, but you can talk with him about your unease in the situations
you described.  It doesn't really matter then what HE does.  He might agree
to notify you ahead of time if he needs to go out-of-town.  He might tell
you to stick it up your ass.  Unless you have a legal recourse (like you
have a real fear your child is being neglected and in danger) there's just
nothing you can do about the situation.  It's YOUR problem.  It's not HIS
problem and hopefully won't become your child's problem like it sounds like
it's already become your ex-mother-in-law's problem.



From: [] On Behalf
Of things_rose
Sent: Tuesday, October 05, 2010 12:12 AM
Subject: [Zen] 'Having a problem with somebody' - Bill, et al



Hi Bill and Group

Bill, in a previous post to DP you said something about when one has a
problem with someone, it is never theirs it's always yours. This is
something that I have previously found VERY intruiging. I've investigated it
recently in my own life, to a greater or lesser degree. I seem to be able to
*manage* it with small issues, but with big, it's difficult.
Could you say more about it? What I'd really like is get some real life
(possibly extreme?) examples of how this has worked out (peace of mind) for
you maybe, or for others. To my western mind, the idea that *it* is not the
other persons fault/problem is kinda counterintuitive. But I can see the
potential for peace of mind in getting out of this particular habit of mind.

This has been swimming around in my brain for days now, so anyone, if you
have any thoughts, that'd be great! And I don't really mean just soundbites
and corny one liners, I mean actual examples from your life.



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