About the past and some mistakes I made like, 

 In school I used a black permanent marker as a highlighter.

While fishing I caught a talking fish. It said, "Spare my life and I
will grant you 2 wishes". I said, "No way , the deal is supposed to be
3 wishes". So I killed him and ate him.

I bought a box of animal
crackers and it said do not eat if the seal is broken. And sure enough
the giraffe was OK the lion was OK but the seal...........

I think I may have had a space alien abduction attempt. I woke up with
a crop circle in my chest hair. I keep the window closed at night. The
little bastards.

On a first date in a movie during a hot sex scene I said to her, " That will be 
us in two hours".
Never again.

I once dated a dominatrix but I think she had some kind of attitude
problem. I don't know what her issue was. You wouldn't believe.

I dated an optometrist and every time we had sex she would always go
"Is it better like this, or like this? Like this or like this?"

Now food has replaced sex for me. I have a mirror over my kitchen
table. A date asked me if I was into S&M and I thought she meant
spaghetti and meatballs. You can imagine how disappointed I was.

I went to a family style restaurant and everybody was yelling at me.

So I ordered a chicken and an egg to see which would come first.

I made an ant farm and put a few hundred ant in between two pieces of
glass. But I didn't know to leave a space in between the glass.

I took a vacation at purgatory and it was OK. Not bad, not great.
Just kind of alright.

A doctor told me I was paranoid. I said , "You'd be paranoid too if
space aliens were after your DNA!

I tried reading the bible but I found it very preachy. 

I wore a thong swimsuit at the beach last summer. Apparently there's a
front and a back. It would have been nice if someone told me to
this. It might have saved a little mass hysteria on the crowded beach.

And the next time I lose my temper in karate class I'm going to wait
in till I'm a black belt.

You know how when you're a little kid and you think your farther is superman
but when you get older you realize he's just a regular guy in a red cape.

I've made some mistakes in the past. But I'm learning. Tim


Reply via email to