Group,
I received today a piece of mail in the snail-mail box here which maybe me
think that somebody is playing a joke on me. But, 'tweren't so!
It's even better!
The smallish nearly 1:1 aspect-ratio envelope bears the return address on the
front top left corner:
"National Cremation Society"
...and sports a nice bright symbol of a semicircle of the Sun, with wavy rays,
white on blue, and a golden yellow round-edged frame about this, all the size
of a desktop icon in Windows XP, my favorite obsolete OS (but which I know how
to use).
Maybe I am being invited to a bonfire!
Not a self-immolation, I hope. ;-)
Ideas like this cross the pristine ground of the mind like short-lived desert
clouds as I tote all the mail indoors.
The envelope also bears the words:
"Free Prepaid Cremation (details inside)"
Phew-w, I can almost not WAIT to open this letter carefully, looking all the
while to be sure there are no copper wires in evidence that I might breech. It
could be that FREE cremation, come home to roost!
But "FREE Prepaid..."? I HAD to see how they explain THAT. It sounded like
some kind of dubious fake-"zen" concept. Just not contradictory enough, when
it brings in money at the same time. Or else, I'm in the wrong racket.
"The NCS offers a comprehensive plan". I bet they do. It sounds EXHAUSTIVE,
too: Up the flue with *YOU*! (this was pretty much my instantaneous reaction to
the NCS, as well).
They offer free "removal" (within 75 miles of their "facility"), and a "free
Wooden Urn". Now I need to see that Urn, and see how I might copy it on the
lathe, just by eye-balling. It could have commercial value! So I "go's" to
their website... and crib from it (lie: I did not actually do that yet).
But, Aha! ...the big revelation comes last of all, in ...the Postscript!:
"P.S. Complete and return the reply slip today to enter in the monthly drawing
for your chance to win a free cremation plan."
That's taking a chance, alright. Notice the nice turn of phrase in "cremation
plan". Imagine the brutality of the sound, otherwise, of "a free cremation".
I'm hanging on to this letter, and the reply slip.
The letter is not even signed by a Big-Guy, a higher-up, no, but instead by
somebody we mere mortals (dead guys) can relate to:
"--James Ford
Senior Vice President of Cremation Services"
You don't what the signature of somebody too close to God!
But at least he's a "Senior"-something, and still struggling.
Finally, they then they reveal for us the identity of last month's winner of...
a... free... cremation, just to show they're legit. I'll keep that name
private, though, pending notification of the Family, which is sure to be
aggrieved, and understandably so.
I'm grateful to the NCS for this free entertainment, but I know I owe you guys
something for your time in reading MY note.
;-)
--Joe
------------------------------------
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