Re: [Zen] moderator

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 10:56:02 -0700

Dear Anjin,
Please forgive me for using this forum to seek advice on a personal matter.  You seem to share my ideals about lightening the suffering of others through deep listening and accepting them as they are.  I like to think that I am reasonable adept at this with most people.  However, I have a close family member who is so bitter in our interactions, so pushy and aggressive in her nature, and so disrespectful of my right to self-determination, that I find myself lapsing into impatience and unkindness when I must deal with her.  Most unmindful of me.  I have tried to distance myself from her (not desirable, but better, I thought, than becoming bitter myself), but she has no sense of boundaries.  I have tried mightily to accept her as she is, and bear no ill-will toward her, but cannot seem to overcome the feelings of frustration and anxiety that she brings up in me.  The rest of my family complains that I am withdrawn for hours after contact with her.  I meditate before and after these contacts to no avail.  Since she is a close family member, and elderly, and somewhat dependent upon me (although she does have other resources), it seems wrong to cut her off.  Still, I am not yet strong enough in the practice to relate to her without hurting her, myself, and others.  Thoughts?
Kathleen
----- Original Message -----
From: anjin327
Sent: Thursday, September 23, 2004 1:39 PM
Subject: [Zen] moderator

Ryunen says:
>
> But I'm a little confused. I thought Anjin had taken over as
moderator. Please clarify.

Dear Ryunen-san,

I am a co-moderator. Al is the owner of the list and the first and
other moderator. I am just helping him do some of the work. Yes, there
is work running a busy email list...I certainly did not realize the
extend of work Al has done to keep this list going. I for one wish to
think him for the work he has done to keep this list moving over the
years it has been in existence. Since becoming a moderator I have
discovered some things about email lists that I did not know.

The Al you see is an interesting person...with myriad facets to his
personality. Yes, sometimes he can be harsh and foul mouthed. But I
have also seen another side to him. I have chosen to accept him for
the person he is right now. I hope that some day he will find what he
is looking for and be more at peace. I have chosen to be supportive of
him.

You are right we do need to see the consequences of our actions.
Sometimes however we need to look beyond and see more than the "face"
one puts out to the world...to see the original face. This is a
challenge with some people. Sometimes I am successful at it
...sometimes I am not.

Afer working with many aggressive mentally handicapped adults and
children I did learn to see beyond the outer aspect and see what the
roots of the aggressions were. Invariably, it was abuse and hurt that
caused the anger and aggression. How could I be upset at them for the
hitting, biting, kicking etc that they exhibited when it was the
injury did to them by others that caused that manifestation.

That being said...I also tried to use "skillfull means" to help them
stop the behaviors that were a distructive force in their lives. I did
have a wonderful teacher (nope not Buddhist...at least at the time)
who taught me many compassionate techniques to help them on their way.
But generally, what helped the most was seeing each
individual...really seeing them and accepting them as a person worthy
of attention. They knew that I cared and that I would be there no
matter what...even if they hit me...or called me names.

Anjin







Noble Eightfold Path: Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right  Action, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration, Right Livelihood




Noble Eightfold Path: Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right  Action, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration, Right Livelihood


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