Dear list,
There have been a number of posts recently that say
something like this "Wow I never expected this on a
Zen list!"...like being on a Zen list, or in a Zen
Sangha or even being an ordained Zen Monk somehow
conveys some sort of Utopian Shangra-la sort of
perfection on each who are touched by even a wiff of
Zen, or Buddhism. These posts often go on to say that
this is this kind of forum or that kind of forum, and
there is just no place on this or that kind of forum
for this or that kind of post. These posts often chide
the other posters for an excess of Ego, because as we
all know an ideal Buddhist is "egoless". There seems a
weird kind of ego expressed in these posts, as the
poster usually sort of admits they are not perfect,
but then wonders why the hell isn't everyone else
perfect?
First off, kensho, Buddhist practice, or even years of
meditation do not make any one free from fault. A set
of robes does not make one a super human. We are all
human. In the Zen practice I was exposed to, I was not
taught to pretend I had no ego, nor was I taught to
pretend my teacher had no ego (in the Western sense of
the word). I was taught that what I thought or wanted
was not nearly as important as I thought it was. I was
taught it was not particularly a good practice to
insist on my way.
The Zen practice I was taught was not to bury my head
in the sand and pretend I was somehow superior to
others because I had a Kensho experience or because I
had this or that understanding. The Zen practice I was
taught was not to escape from the world by sitting and
concentrating on my breath till I could pretend the
rest of the world went away because I did not happen
to be thinking of it at that moment. Rather I learned
to sit down with what is and realize every single
thing that is there with me because each of things
things is in fact "me" ...."I" depend on all that is
there, all that is there depends on "me".....I was not
really taught that..I slowly came to understand it
though the process of practice. Here there is no
effort to escape nor end..rather to enter fully even
the distasteful or harsh.
I was told to sit down. There were no instructions to
count breaths nor to think about this or that or to
not think about this or that. Rather I was to
sit....and much later after I had sat for many many
hours I was told to sit some more. I was told there
was no right or wrong zazen. There was nothing I was
trying to gain, or lose. I was supposed to just be
quiet and see what happened. They did not care if I
did not want to sit then or there, they did not care
if I thought great thoughts. They did not really give
a crap about how I was doing in the process, not
because they did not care about me, but because they
had faith in the process. If I would apply myself to
the process, I would become refined by the process. If
I shirked the process I shirked the refinement offered
by that process. My desires and my ideas had to be
surrendered to the process, or I was not really
undergoing the process.
Egolessness in the sense I have picked up from my Zen
practice is not some sort of low self-esteem. It is
not thinking of yourself...period. It is not
thinking..."well now I am egoless" because that is
itself only ego. It is having no thought of yourself
as seperate from what is. This does not mean you have
to sit down and be quiet because sitting down and
being quiet is what a Buddhist should do....("I am
sitting down quietly now like a good
Buddhist"...oops..there it popped again even before
the "aren't I wonderful? thought followed right
after..which if of course just the other end of the "I
am loud now...aren't I terrible" stick). The
Egolessness I was taught was more like "an answer is
needed here, here is an answer". There is no thought
about whether or not "I" am good enough to give an
answer....or "I" am too bad to give an answer.There is
no thought about whether or not someone else's answer
is better or worse then mine. There is only answering.
It is putting down the woman after you cross the
stream even if others are still judging you for
picking her up in the first place.
Most often we are not aware of what is happening till
we are in the middle of the stream with a woman in our
arms....It is too late to think about whether or not
we should have picked her up according to the
sutras.....the best thing to do in this case is to
forget about how unclean we are for having touched the
woman, and just carry her across and put her down.
This is the egolessness I was taught. We do not need
to be thinking about how clean or unclean we or the
woman are...If the only answer is to pick her up and
carry her across... just do it...let the scholars
debate for ever after the meaning of the moment, and
what "should" have been done.... in the moment..just
take care of the moment.....in this case there was no
monk to be unclean, and no woman to be carried. There
was just carrying....till the other handy critic began
to grouse and thump the sutras. Then there was a
little lesson for the critic. We really already have
enough critics who's only function is to divide this
moment in to right and wrong..and good and bad.
I would invite you to spend a few moments in a real
Zen sangha. There you will quickly see that there is
nothing magic in Zen that somehow changes into
perfection each thing it touches. You will find all
the abuses, all the imperfections of any human
institution. It is not that today there is something
degenerate about the practice...in Buddha's day he had
to tell his monks not to fuck trees for heaven's sake.
Yet we later learn that even the tree fuckers became
arhats eventually.
During the flowering of Buddhism in China there were
only three or four monks in each monastery...and not
all of them "got it". There is nothing magical that
will happen when you touch a Zen book, nor is there
anything magic that will happen when you sit down to
do zazen, nor sit with a sangha nor meet your teacher.
No single experience or lack of experience will change
you into a Buddha. This is all an organic process. It
is a natural process...all you have to do is engage in
the process. It is a tried and true process proved
over thousands of years.
This list too is a process. Each contributer (even
those who only have criticism to offer) is a part of
the process. We are all in it together and we all
depend on one another, the loud and the weak. If you
cannot have faith in your fellow posters, nor in the
things you say you believe in, at least have a little
faith in the process that is manifest here on this
list.
Be Well
Fudo
PS..sometimes I do get access to a computer..it is
just a bit of a trip...lol. I guess you can see I have
been saving this up for a few days. I would have to say it has not
hurt me that much...lol
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