Love is.. ignoring St Valentine's Day By STEPHEN JARDINE The Scotsman | Feb 10, 2005 http://news.scotsman.com/opinion.cfm?id=155242005 HE is the patron saint of lovers, but his final resting place couldn't be less romantic. You would expect St Valentine to be interred in a rose-strewn church crypt in Venice. Or in a sun-kissed cemetery in the south of France where young widows conscientiously tend his grave. In fact, his dusty bones are inside a wooden box in a church in a rough part of Glasgow. According to the traditional tale, Valentine was executed in ancient Rome for helping young lovers to marry against the Emperor's wishes. For 800 years his memory has been celebrated in February at a time when the birds are mating and flowers are beginning to bloom. But with just four days to another celebration of romance, St Valentine must now be turning in his crate. Retailers have spotted a window of opportunity between Christmas and Easter, turning the high street into a scarlet wonderland of tack and tawdriness. Just a few years ago, a card was enough and flowers were a bonus. Now no man escapes punishment unless he delivers heart-shaped chocolates, dinner in an expensive restaurant and a sick-making poem in the pages of a down-market tabloid. Women love love. To men, it is a minefield. One wrong step and it could all be over. That situation isn't helped by the traitors, those men who make fantastic romantic gestures, like organising hot air balloon flights at dawn on February 14 or ordering flowers in time for delivery. They deserve to be the victims of a brand new St Valentine's Day massacre. The rest of us are destined to be endlessly dangled and compared to these smug Casanovas with their window tables at The Witchery, booked last November. Of course, restaurants are the big winners next week. Spotting the perfect way out of the post-Christmas slump, they string up the fairy lights again and stock up on oysters. I guarantee next Monday will be the worst night to eat out this year. Restaurants need a combination of small tables and big noisy groups to create that magical mix that makes a great evening. Instead, on Valentine's night, every eating place is crammed with whispering couples discussing property prices, congestion charging and Auntie Morag's new tattoo. And food will be the last thing that matters. On February 14, every chef in Edinburgh could take the night off and leave the catering to the 17-year-old kitchen porter and the microwave. No-one is going to risk creating a scene and spoiling the "atmosphere" so restaurants can get away with serving whatever they like at any price. Take the Valentine's dinner advertised at an Edinburgh hotel starting with "First Date" of salad or soup and climaxing with "The First Kiss" of pear and honey cream. Do you see what they are doing with the romantic food titles? Fantastic and all for just �45 . . . including a gift for the lady. I hope a gay couple turn up simply to see the look on the manager's face. Everyone is now out to exploit poor old St Valentine. Ayr Racecourse has a special Valentine's meeting this weekend. What on earth could possibly be romantic about arguing about directions then driving for miles, parking in a muddy field and queuing in the wind and rain to bet on a horse called something like Lovers' Leap which then trails in last? The simple truth is we're all being conned into believing we must buy into the commercial exploitation of Valentine's Day or risk being seen as mean or hard-hearted. Last week, I bought a bunch of red roses at the supermarket for a fiver. A well-known high street store is offering the same thing for delivery on Monday for �38. Just who is being mean and hard-hearted now? The simple truth is that being romantic and showing your love is something best done on any day of the year apart from February 14. No- one wants to share that special something with everyone else. So this year say enough is enough. Make your own Valentine's Day . . . March 12 . . . May 17. . . October 8 . . . whenever. That way it will feel unique, the flowers won't blow half your salary and dinner in your favourite restaurant will be edible. Alternatively, take a leaf out of the book of the jolly old taxi driver who told me he'd been happily married for 28 years. "I still love her to bits" he gushed. So what does he have planned for Monday evening? "She's going to the bingo and I'm going to the pub." Now that's love. It's too high a toll THE other day I took a camera crew out on the streets to make a film about congestion charging in Edinburgh. We wanted pictures of a bottleneck, choked with stationary traffic so in the midst of the morning rush hour we headed down to Queen Street . . . where the traffic was flowing freely with no delays. As it was on George Street, Princes Street, Shandwick Place and the top of Leith Walk. Congestion in Edinburgh is a problem limited to a few very specific spots at particular times of the day. Congestion charging is using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Lord, Kinnock disappoints I HATE being disappointed. From the weather to sport, Britain is awfully good at delivering let-downs, but now disappointment has a new undisputed champion. Down the years, former Labour leader Neil Kinnock repeatedly attacked the House of Lords and called for its abolition, but last week that didn't seem to matter. The Welsh windbag left his principles at home, slipped on the ermine robe and became Lord Kinnock of Bedwelltys. Having failed spectacularly as a domestic politician, Kinnock now has his snout firmly planted in the trough of European politics. Arriving once to interview him in Strasbourg, I had to wait while he and his secretary puzzled endlessly over the tricky problem of booking inside or outside tables for dinner that night. All paid for by us, of course. Kinnock once called the inhabitants of the House of Lords "descendants of muggers, bribers and gangsters". Maybe so, but at least they still have their dignity. ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> Has someone you know been affected by illness or disease? Network for Good is THE place to support health awareness efforts! http://us.click.yahoo.com/rkgkPB/UOnJAA/Zx0JAA/uTGrlB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> �������������������������������������������������������� This is ZESTGlobal. 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