Thanks, Vivek. I'm still not completely satisfied with the poem and need to work on it a bit more. Interestingly, I found I had forgotten to indent a line in version 1.1 I'd sent on the list (oops). With the indentation, it looks like this:
When You're Away
Possessiveness the engorged serpent
abruptly
billows up from my waist in
ordinary conversations,
hood flame and flaring,
and rushes to swallow
the room, chairs and tables,
my companions.
Chagrined, I sit on it and
push it down.
This definitely brings more to it visually - but still more can happen on the poem. Will post subsequent versions on the group.
Monica
On 4/20/05, Vivek Narayanan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
>
> Definitely the second version is more visually interesting, and
> organises the breath better. Was the capitalization of "Rushes" in it
> intended?
>
> V
>
> Monica Mody wrote:
>
> > version 1.1
> >
> > When You're Away
> >
> > Possessiveness the engorged serpent
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
> Definitely the second version is more visually interesting, and
> organises the breath better. Was the capitalization of "Rushes" in it
> intended?
>
> V
>
> Monica Mody wrote:
>
> > version 1.1
> >
> > When You're Away
> >
> > Possessiveness the engorged serpent
>
>
>
>
>
>
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