Dear Anand, I second Vivek�s comment about the last two lines. It�s interesting that you use both rubber and eraser � the two could be synonymous in our (Indian) context. But they help maintain the syllabic count, and therefore, rhythm.
Vivek�s response to your poem tackles it at the level of form, talks about craft. But does it stir up your emotions, Mr Narayanan? I�ve found that discussions about craft alienate me from the emotional core of a poem, its content. Certainly, form must also, and eventually, communicate content� I usually squirm at the use of the word �memory� in poetry. It always sounds like someone�s poeticising, i.e., attempting to sound esoteric, vague, obscure, whatever, thinking that it helps create this halo of elusive meaning that�s (unfortunately) considered so typical of poetry. Here, though, graveyard gives it a more sombre kind of feel, infuses it with a different kind of meaning. You continue: �no memories/of her gifting/anything but girlish baubles/not even a (I) misd (you) call at midnight.� Why do you use �misd� instead of the fully spelled out �missed�? An idea: If call were to be replaced by, say, SMS, then �misd� would seem apt, considering that she�d be writing to you in SMS script. Alternately: you could also mean �a missed call at midnight�. Clever use of parentheses, there. The doubly used Rest In Peace is also an interesting device. Another idea: a few more stanzas before the last. You build a nice pace with repetition of �Can�t say�. These are just some felt comments. Subuhi ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> What would our lives be like without music, dance, and theater? Donate or volunteer in the arts today at Network for Good! http://us.click.yahoo.com/pkgkPB/SOnJAA/Zx0JAA/yqIolB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Did you get this mail as a forward? Subscribe by sending a blank mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED], OR, if you have a Yahoo! ID, by visiting http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/join. Members are encouraged to post poetry, their own and others', respond critically to the poems circulated, and participate in discussions. Post via email at [email protected] OR online at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/post. ---theZESTcommunity-------------- [1] ZESTCurrent: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCurrent/ [2] ZESTEconomics: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTEconomics/ [3] ZESTGlobal: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTGlobal/ [4] ZESTMedia: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTMedia/ [5] ZESTPoets: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ [6] ZESTCaste: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCaste/ [7] ZESTAlternative: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTAlternative/ [8] TalkZEST: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TalkZEST/ Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
