Cousin Bill wrote:
> Do you know of a store that will sell and ship overseas (like, say, to
> Japan)? I lost my good pair of boots to a septic tank accident and
> been able to find any since.
As the chair of the Alberta Chapter of VOSSSI* I feel your pain. While
my own life has been touched by incidents of this nature, I am at least
still able to use my mukluks without fear of reprisals or disease. So
many like yourself are not. It is brave for you, now, to reach out and
seek a new pair of boots. I’m sure you will be able to get on your life
and leave this incident behind you. Perhaps you could still be helped
by exposure to our famous VOSSSI 10 step recovery program which we
affectionately refer to as “Deep Doodoo”.
1. Denial is a necessary part of the grieving process. Deny. Deny.
Deny. Then get over it.
2. Excuses are helpful. After all it probably wasn’t you that forgot
to arrange to get the septic system pumped out in a timely way. It was?
Well, weren’t you too busy trying to figure out why Ryan Starr didn’t
get bumped sooner on American Idol to pay attention to the tell tale
warning signs of septic system overload. After all aren’t’ you entitled
to a life?
3. Extra Sensory Perception. Don’t rely on it. A simple sniff test
will probably do better to avoid these problems than all the paranormal
activity in the world.
4. Play First, Work Second. What the hey, you have already slipped in
it haven’t you? So you just as well enjoy yourself now. Barn door is
open already and all that stuff. Don’t let one little incident spoil
your joie de vivre forever.
5. Depend on your friends. If you get down in this slippery stuff deep
enough, you can never get yourself out. And if friends don’t show up
you can always pray for a miracle. The point is that these incidents
will happen and there’s nothing you can do about them.
6. Oooomm. Give yourself a little wawa and incantation time every day.
Let the gentle breezes play in your hair. Meditation is where it’s at
baby. Besides you are probably experiencing a lot of solitary time
anyway, most of us do after such an incident, so make the best of your
Pepe Le Peu time by getting in touch with your inner self.
7. Outrage. Join a chapter of VOSSSI and express your concern about
sloppy septic conditions everywhere. Advocate for better access to
litigation for the common man.
8. Dump. Rid yourself of those used up things in your life that hold
you back. Vent. Let it go. Give it up. One caution here, be sure to
see that your septic system is back in working order before you do this
in a major way.
9. Open your mind and heart to new things. As you reach the end of
your road to recovery it will be time to seek out new opportunities and
experiences. Be open to new challenges. You have had a septic incident.
It has hurt you and perhaps scarred your psyche for life. But don’t
worry, there are other different equally impacting opportunities out
there. Like politics, social protest, extreme sports, oral surgery, UFO
verification projects, investment clubs, and Windows 98. The list is
endless. You got hurt once, but you don’t have to go back to that, you
can get hurt in endless ways. Be open to the possibilities. Maybe you
lost your boots to a septic incident, but you could easily lose your
shirt in mutual funds. The sky is the limit.
10. Overcome. That’s the name of our monthly newsletter for all VOSSSI
members. This month, and every month, there are a host of helpful
articles to assist you in your recovery. For example, would you have
been better prepared had you studied: “Sewer traps, do they really
work?” from our August issue? Or what about “Top 10 Sewer Sucking
Services in the NorthWest.” We frequently rank these people for your
protection. So subscribe now by calling our hot line number
1 - deepdoodoo. Remember the slogan on our masthead. “Don’t be
overcome, read Overcome, and overcome.” Catchy eh?
*Victims of Sad Septic System Incidents
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