[Purehumour] Wednesday Wonders

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿©
and
©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿©
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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The Twelve Days Of Sexmas - 12 extremely funny cartoons depicting
the "gifts" given during the Twelve Days of Sexmas. This collection is
too funny to miss...you HAVE to check it out:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/sexmas.html ">Click</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/sexmas.html

Today's issue includes contributions by: George, Rubin, The Posens,
Ann, SunAmy, Barbara, Keli, Wayne.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

©¿©-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿©
Lets start with a quickie:

Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as
to why man eventually began walking upright: to free up their
hands for masturbation.

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Therapy...
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©¿©------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------©¿©
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to
make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held
their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and
requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the
room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold
condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he
had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one
of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he
wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black
condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple
condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents
with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into
the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her
husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing
away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep
immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and
started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that
the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the
session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When
the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black
and you are white?"

The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you
would have been purple."

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©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------©¿©

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1960 Danny Mijovic Belgrade Yugo, Canadian Tour golfer (1984 Mexican)
1960 Mary Beth Zimmerman Mount Vernon IL, LPGA golfer (1987 Henredon Classic)
1961 Mike Henneman St Charles MO, pitcher (Texas Rangers)
1962 Kim Linehan swimmer (1979 1500 meter World record)
1962 Curtis Williams rocker
1962 Ejo Elburg Dutch soccer player (Pax, NEC)
1963 Mark Alalmo actor (Avenging Force)
1963 Claudia Kohde-Kilsch German Federal Republic, tennis star
1963 John Lammers Dutch soccer player (NAC)
1963 Mark Greatbatch cricketer (big-hitting New Zealand opener)
1964 Dave Gagner Chatham, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1964 Justin Currie Scottish rock vocalist/bassist (Del Amitri)
1964 Thomas Howard Middletown OH, outfielder (Cincinnati Reds)
1965 Laurie Carr Dallas TX, playmate (December 1986)
1965 Jay Bell Eglin AFB FL, infielder (Pittsburgh Pirates)
1966 Terry Sharpe rocker (The Adventures, Starjets-Starjets)
1967 Davidson Matyczuk Thunder Bay Ontario, golfer (Thunder Bay-1986, 87)
1967 Jackie Gallagher-Smith LPGA golfer
1967 Katy Steding Lake Oswego OR, basketball forward (Olympics-gold-96)
1967 Richard Stemp cricketer (Yorkshire & England A left-arm spinner)
1968 Derek Bell Tampa FL, outfielder (Houston Astros)
1968 Mark Dailey Parma OH, 1.5k runner
1970 Danan Hughes NFL wide receiver (Kansas City Chiefs)
1970 Doug Nussmeier NFL quarterback (New Orleans Saints)
1970 Errict Rhett NFL running back (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1970 Victoria Fuller Santa Barbara CA, playmate (January 1996)
1971 Cedric Ihalauw soccer player (Roda JC)
1971 Willie McGinest NFL outside linebacker (New England Patriots)
1972 Daniel Alfredsson Grums Sweden, NHL right wing (Ottawa Senators)
1972 Francisco Rodriguez Brooklyn NY, pitcher (Minnesota Twins)
1972 Robert Robinson CFL defensive linebacker (Winnipeg Blue Bombers)
1973 Erin Moorad Chicago IL, pairs skater (& Richard Gillam)
1973 Luke Casserly Australian soccer defender (Olyroos, Olympics-96)
1973 Ralph Intranuovo East York, NHL center (Edmonton Oilers)
1974 Kevin Devine cornerback/kick returner (Jacksonville Jaguars)
1976 Shareef AbdurRahim NBA forward (Vancouver Grizzlies)
1980 Rider Strong San Francisco CA, actor (Shawn Hunter-Boy Meets World)

.....and on this day in history:

1960 Black Sunday - Riot in Algiers, 114 die
1961 Elvis Presley's "Blue Hawaii" album goes to #1 & stays #1 for 20 weeks
1966 Al Nelson sets NFL record returning missed field goal, 100 yards
1967 SST prototype "Concorde" 1st shown (France)
1968 US Soccer Football Association refuses to let NASL disband
1969 Libya adopts constitution
1972 Astronauts Cernan & Harrison become 11th & 12th on the Moon
1973 Houston Astro Caesar Cedino jailed in death of 19 year old woman
1975 1st class postage rises from 10¢ to 13¢
1978 6 masked men bound 10 employees at Lufthansa cargo area at New York Kennedy Airport & made off with $5.8 million in cash & jewelry
1979 Great Britain grants independence to Zimbabwe (Rhodesia)
1981 Muhammad Ali's 61st & last fight, losing to Trevor Berbick
1983 1st visit to Lutheran church by a pope (John Paul II in Rome)
1984 "Doug Henning & His World..." opens at Lunt-Fontanne NYC for 60 performances
1985 NHL Record 62 points scored, Edmonton (36) beats Chicago (17) 12-9 & ties record of 21 goals
1986 South Africa censors press
1990 13 die in 83 vehicle accident in Chattanooga TN (I-75), due to fog
1991 William Kennedy Smith found not guilty of rape
1992 WNEW AM radio on 1130 in NYC ends transmitting after 58 years
1994 Russian troops pull inside Tsjetsjenië
1995 Thomas O Hicks buys NHL Dallas Stars for $84 million
1997 Federal judge orders Microsoft not to bundle IE4 in Windows

©2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting
at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny
new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there.
Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a
taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle
safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa
bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick
underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿©

I paint objects as I think them not as I see them.
-Pablo Picasso

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

MisMatched
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Well Endowed
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with
bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting
in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating
them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the
line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down
next to him.

"I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted
freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek.
"Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's
prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's
face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he
felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost ?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You
just stick this button in your ear and run this little
string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied.
"But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

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©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿©

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

The Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines

10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
4. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"
1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"

©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿©

I was so poor that if I didn't wake up with a hard-on on Christmas
morning I'd have had nothing to play with

©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿©

Where did Texas get the nickname "The Lone Star State"?

A. Cattle drivers were guided by the North Star
B. The Indians who once lived used a single star to mark their tribe
C. The single-star flag was the symbol of the independent republic of Texas
D. It is a symbol of Texans deep religious beliefs

<Answers in Next Issue!>

08/12

Last Issue's Answers:

Which state hosted the first professional football game?

B. Pennsylvania

© Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

He Says The Nicest Things
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/face.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/face.html

Just Fruit Salad For Me Please
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©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿©

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious
wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The
Mullah asks if they have any last questions before
they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam
for men to dance with men, and women to dance with
women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your
permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men
and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we
finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex
is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber
sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,
leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
©¿©---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------©¿©

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

My good friend Anni (you've seen her name in print a few times)...
has been keeping a running total of how the archive visits are
doing...and here is a list of where Purehumour has finished
over the last few months....lets see if we can make a few more
visits to the archives and break that 100 mark!

April 2002: 226
May 2002: 214
June 2002: 200
July 2002: 194
Aug 2002: 218
Sept 2002: 136
Oct 2002: 128
Nov 2002: 128

So now lets take a look at December 11th 2001:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m771.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m771.html

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©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿©

One day a farmer's donkey fell into a well. The animal
cried pitifully for hours as the farmer tried to figure
out what to do. Finally, he decided that the donkey was
old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it
just wasn't worth it to retrieve the animal.

He invited all his neighbors to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the
farmer looked down the well and was astonished; with every
shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it
off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued
to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off
and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the
donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The
trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a
step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get
out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules for happiness:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back and kicked the
shit out of the farmer who tried to bury him. Moral: When you try
to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

©¿©------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------©¿©

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If They Mated - Jerry Seinfeld & Jessica Sklar
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GEMS (Very Addictive)
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Play Paintball
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

Two Jewish men are on a train across Poland, each on his way to meet
a prospective bride on the other side of the country. Halfway there,
the first turns to the second and says, "Forget about this whole
marriage thing. I just don't like the idea."

So he gets off at the next stop and makes his way back home.
Meanwhile, the second man continues on and is met at the final
destination by the mothers of the two prospective brides.

When the mothers realize what has happened, they instantly begin to
fight over whose daughter should wed this precious man. "He's mine!"
cries one.

"Not on your life," cries the other, "He will marry my daughter!"

After bickering for a while, the man and the two mothers decide to go
the local rabbi and ask him to resolve the situation. In the grand
tradition of the ancients, the rabbi replies, "Well, there is only
one solution to this problem. Cut the boy in half, and you each take
half home with you."

At this, the first mother looks shocked, while the second mother
grins and cries emphatically, "Yah! Cut him in half!!"

The rabbi points to the second mother and says, "THAT is the real
mother-in-law. Case closed."

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station
after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual.

A couple of weeks later, I came home from work
to find my fiancee quite upset.

She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out
why she was so angry.

She had noticed the canceled check and, on the memo line
I had written "Escort Service."

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

He Said I Never Listen
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/listen.html ">Click</a>
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Do Not Disturb
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©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿©

An electronic musician from Winnipeg, Canada is making
an album out of the noises he and his partner make
during sex.

Aaron Funk and his girlfriend Rachael Kozak recorded
their love-making sessions on mini-disk.

Funk, who normally records under the name Venetian
Snares, sampled the noises and turned them into
music.

The album, to be called Nymphomatriarch, is due to be
released next year.

"People I've played it for don't believe it," Funk told
a forthcoming issue of Playboy.

"They're like: "No, no, no - you've sampled high hats
there, I know it." It's essentially alchemy, shaping
sex into a new form.

"It's weird to deconstruct the sounds of sex. It makes
you conscious of a lot of stuff you'd normally ignore.
I remember thinking, like, oh, that slap will make a
good snare drum.

"Or, wow, that was a freakish set of grunts and moans -
I want to make that into a choir later."

Songs completed so far include Hymen Tramp Choir, Pervs,
and Blood on the Rope.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she
was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired
as to the reason for her worrying.

The teen-aged beauty informed her friend that her mom was
always fatigued from staying up all night long.

Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night?
At her age, that's not good at all!"

The beauty replied, "Waiting for me to come home."

©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿©

[||||] C L O S E E N O U G H [||||]

Embarrassed government bean counters admitted that they had somehow
overlooked 3.3 million residents whilst administering the 2000 census.
(USA/12/6)

Herr Field Marshal von Dub immediately assigned them to count the
civilian casualties in Iraq.

Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

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©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

My Way or Highway...
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Hockey Holdup...
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©¿©---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------©¿©

A New Mexico State University student was arrested
for allegedly calling in a bomb threat of a fast-food
restaurant early Thursday morning, police said.

Las Cruces Police Sgt. Juan Moreno said a call was
made after midnight to Central Dispatch that there
was a bomb in the building at Whataburger.

Moreno said when officers arrived on the scene there
were three people standing at the restaurant door.

One of the men, who was intoxicated, told the officers
he called in the bomb threat, Moreno said.

"He said he wanted to get arrested so he could get a
ride home because he was intoxicated," Moreno said.

Vivek Dwivedi was arrested for making a false report
of a bomb. The two friends with Dwivedi were not
charged.

The charge against Dwivedi is a fourth-degree felony
punishable by up to 18 months in prison.

©¿©---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿©

Why was the nearsighted fly starving?

He couldn't see shit.

©¿©--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------©¿©

[Erik lives on in Humor Columnist Survivor - visit the site below
and vote for someone OTHER than Erik!
http://www.progressiverevelations.com ]

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Alaska: Stay for the Winter

Think real hard. Does your city or state have a slogan?

I don't mean the state motto, found on your state seal. I mean the
catchy little slogan your state's Tourism Office uses to entice
rampaging hordes of tourists to clog up your highways and restaurants.

My home state's slogan is "Enjoy Indiana--The Welcome Mat Is Always
Out," although one website thinks it should be "Indiana: 2 Billion Years
Tidal Wave Free."

And while the real Indiana slogan is much more friendly and inviting, I
think more tourists may consider spending a week here when they learn
about our complete lack of tidal wave activity throughout recorded
history.

Why is this important, you ask?

Simple. Look at your official tourism slogan. Could you have written it
yourself?

Of course you could.

Could you have done it for, say, less than $1,000?

Of course you could!

So this makes me wonder how the state of Massachusetts could only come
up with "Massachusetts . . . Make it Yours" on a $300,000 retainer.

According to an October 17 story in the Boston Herald (official slogan:
"Boston Herald . . . We Use Ink!"), Massachusetts state tourism
officials originally held a contest asking people to submit their ideas
for a "concise and memorable" slogan that would help attract tourists.

Some of the ideas included "Massachusetts: Where Freedom Begins," and
"Come Share the Common Wealth."

I would have submitted "Massachusetts: We're 'Chewy' in the Center," but
no one asked me.

But like most bureaucrats, Paul Sacco, the new Travel and Tourism
director, thought he knew best. So he asked the state's advertising firm
-- which received the $300,000 retainer from Sacco's office -- to come
up with something much more bland and vague.

Okay, he didn't really ask for that, but that's what he got.

"Massachusetts . . . Make it Yours" was unveiled to an underwhelming
response from state and regional tourism leaders who had originally
hoped an exciting slogan would jump start their ailing tourism industry.

Ironically, Sacco was on vacation at the time of the unveiling, so he
couldn't be reached for comment.

Maybe I don't know enough about tourism, but it seems to me that a
slogan isn't going to boost an ailing tourism industry anymore than
setting a giant purple blow-up gorilla on the Massachusetts state line.

Husband: Where would you like to go on vacation this year, dear?

Wife: Well, honey, I was hoping we could take a walking tour of European
castles, but then I saw Massachusetts new travel slogan, and decided I
wanted to go there instead.

Husband: You're right. Who wants to go see a 500-year-old castle in some
exotic foreign locale, when we could visit the bar from 'Cheers'?" And
we can wave to the gorilla on Interstate 90.

State officials described the new slogan as a "composite" of ideas from
the public, but one official acknowledged that the state agency came up
with "Make it Yours" all on their own.

I guess the composite part was that nearly every submission had
"Massachusetts" in it.

But while some may argue that it was a waste of time and money to have
an ad agency on retainer generate those three little words (and don't
forget the . . . ellipse!), it's not nearly as bad as Rochester, New
York's problem.

According to Bob Lonsberry, Rochester columnist and radio talk show
host, city officials decided they needed a slogan. So, rather than
reduce the high crime rate, overly strict business regulations, high
taxes, and fix failing schools, city officials spent $400,000 and came
up with "Rochester. Made for living" instead.

That's $100,000 per word, including the name of the city.

While some of you may be surprised that Rochester spent more than
Massachusetts on their slogan, the extra money probably paid for a
higher-caliber writer who didn't need to stick an ellipse in a four-word
sentence. Hey, you get what you pay for.

But this made me realize that governmental and social reforms are not
the miracle cure politicians claim they are. It's actually slogans that
lead to prosperity. And I think Rochester may be onto something.

In fact, I am so impressed with their creative new approach to fixing
city-wide problems that I believe with all my heart that "Rochester.
Made for living" will turn their city around.

Schools will have more educational materials and teachers will be paid
what they're worth. Crime will suddenly plummet as criminals realize,
"They're right! Rochester IS made for living!" and turn themselves over
to police. And the CEOs of large corporations will say, "Forget about
cheap foreign labor! We've got to build our new factory in Rochester!
It's made for living!"

I can only imagine the overwhelming reaction if they had used the giant
purple gorilla.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
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house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

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