-Caveat Lector- A holiday satire...
Bush labels Santa an "enemy combatant" and includes the North Pole in the "axis of evil" By Bev Conover Online Journal Editor & Publisher December 19, 2002—Having drawn the ire of George W. Bush, Santa Claus could find himself and his reindeers shot down by a JDAM missile as they enter United States' airspace on Christmas Eve. It isn't what Santa has done that has earned him a place at the top of the Bush administration "Kill List," knocking Saddam Hussein out of first place and dropping Osama bin Laden to third, but what he has refused to do, according to White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. Handing out advance copies of an address to the nation's children that Bush may have to make Christmas Day, should the worst come to pass before Santa finishes his Christmas Eve rounds, Fleischer said Santa had rejected Bush's appeals that he help ward off war by assassinating Saddam and grabbing scientists as he made his way through Iraq. "The president [sic] also asked him to eliminate any al Qaeda terrorists he encountered, including Osama bin Laden," Fleischer said. "But he obstinately refused." Reached at his North Pole headquarters, Santa said, "Doggone right I refused. And that Fleischer isn't telling you half of what that Bush fella and his henchmen, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Ashcroft, demanded—demanded, not asked—that I do." Asked to elaborate, Santa said, "They also demanded that I eliminate Castro, [Venezuelan President] Chavez and Yasser Arafat, and said they might add a few more names to the list before I take off." Such as? "That fella who runs North Korea was one name they mentioned. They also were toying, if you will forgive that word, with having me make gone with the fellas who run China, Iran and Saudi Arabia. And they aren't too happy about the way the elections went in Brazil and Ecuador. Plus, if that Putin fella looks like he might get out of hand, they talked about putting him on the list," Santa said. Santa said these demands on him were made in a series of phone calls over the past few weeks. "Young Bush called me every doggone day. Same for Cheney, that Dr. Strangelove Rumsfeld and the other one with the messiah complex, Ashcroft. I even got a call from that gap-toothed woman . . . what's-her-name?" Condoleeza Rice? "That's the one," Santa responded. "I told them all—repeatedly—I wanted no part of their insanity. First of all, Santa Claus brings joy to the world. He doesn't murder and kidnap. Secondly, he doesn't go to countries that don't celebrate Christmas in a religious or secular fashion." Asked how they planned to have him carry out their nefarious deeds, Santa snorted, "They wanted to arm my sleigh with missiles—probably nukes—bombs and M2 machine guns." He added with a disgusted chuckle, "That's not all, they were going to arm me with an MP-5N Heckler and Koch 9mm Submachine Gun, extra ammo and grenades. Can you see me climbing down and up chimneys with all that stuff hung on me?" Santa noted he has been at this too long—centuries—to be intimidated by what he called "the thugs that have taken over your country." Asked if he might do the American people and the world a favor by spiriting them off to some remote place where they could do no harm, he replied, "I told you I am not into kidnapping, even though in all my years no other despot or group of despots has ever asked, much less demanded, that I carry out criminal acts. Not one and history is filled with despots," adding, "Sorry, while the world has my sympathy, you Americans let yourselves get into this mess and you will have to figure out how to get out of it—hopefully, before much more damage is done." Told this morning of Santa's comments, Fleischer called him "evil" and "incorrigible" and said, "Since he travels west from the North Pole, he has until midnight, eastern time, Christmas Eve, when he enters US airspace, to redeem himself by having carried out the president's [sic] wishes or face the consequences. As of now, the president [sic] has rightly declared him to be an enemy combatant and the North Pole to be a part of the 'axis of evil.'" Asked where that left Mrs. Claus and the elves, Fleischer replied, "There is no doubt in the president's [sic] mind [sic] that they all are terrorists and may be harboring weapons of mass destruction in North Pole underground bunkers. If Claus himself doesn't give the president [sic] some indication by 6 a.m., eastern time, Dec. 24 that he intends to cooperate, troops will be dispatched to the North Pole to secure Claus' compound. Then, should it pass that Claus is eliminated, Mrs. Claus and the elves will be declared 'enemy combatants' and moved to an undisclosed location." Reached again late this afternoon, Santa responded to Fleischer's remarks with a "ho, ho, ho." He said, "For such little people, they talk big, don't they? Little do they know that Santa travels so fast that not even if they flung every missile in their arsenal could they do him harm. It's a shame, though, that they are going to send those poor troops to freeze their butts off to look for a needle in a haystack. Or should I say a snowflake in a blizzard? With another "ho, ho, ho," he added, "Remember the line from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas: 'And laying his finger aside of his nose?' I'll leave it up to your imagination about what I am doing with that finger. Neither Bush, nor Cheney, nor Rumsfeld, nor Ashcroft, nor all the armies will stay me from my rounds. And all those despots will get from me is the finger. Not even a lump of coal? "Not a lump of coal or a drop of oil," said Santa with a loud "ho, ho, ho." He exclaimed, as he hung up the phone, "Happy Christmas to all!" Then there was nothing but a dial tone. http://onlinejournal.com/Commentary/Conover121902/conover121902.html <A HREF="http://www.ctrl.org/";>www.ctrl.org</A> DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER ========== CTRL is a discussion & informational exchange list. Proselytizing propagandic screeds are unwelcomed. Substance—not soap-boxing—please! These are sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory'—with its many half-truths, mis- directions and outright frauds—is used politically by different groups with major and minor effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought. That being said, CTRLgives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and always suggests to readers; be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no credence to Holocaust denial and nazi's need not apply. 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