NOAH VS. "CITY HALL"
And the Lord spoke
to Noah and said, "In one year, I
am
going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with
water
until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save
the
righteous people
and two of every kind of living
thing on the
earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an
Ark."
In a flash of lightening,
God delivered the
specifications for
an Ark. In fear and
trembling, Noah took the plans
and
agreed to build the
Ark.
"Now, remember," said
the Lord, "You must complete
the
Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later,
fierce storm clouds covered
the earth
and all the seas
of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord looked
down and saw Noah
sitting in his front yard,
weeping.
"Noah," God shouted
down, "where is the Ark?"
"Oh, Lord, please
forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my
best,
but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a
permit for
construction, and
your plans did not comply with the
codes.
So I had to hire
an engineering firm and redraw the
plans.
Then I got into a
fight with OSHA over whether or
not the
Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and flotation
devices.
Then my neighbor objected,
claiming I was violating
zoning
ordinances by building
the Ark in my front yard; so
I had to
get a variance from
the city planning commission. I
had
problems getting
enough wood for the Ark, because
there
was a ban on cutting
trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I
finally convinced
the U.S. Forest Service that I
needed the
wood to save the
owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife
Service won't let
me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed
a union and went out on
strike. I had
to negotiate a settlement
with National Labor. Now I
have
16 carpenters on
the Ark, but still no owls. When I
started
rounding up the other
animals, I got sued by an
animal rights
group. They objected
to me taking only two of each
kind
aboard.
"Just when I got that
suit dismissed, the EPA
notified me that
I could not complete
the Ark without filing an
environmental
impact statement
on your proposed flood. They didn't
take
very kindly to the
idea that they had no
jurisdiction over
the
conduct of the Creator
of the universe. Then the
Army
Engineers demanded
a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them
a globe. That's right, isn't it?
"Right now, I am trying
to resolve a complaint filed
with the
Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination
by not taking terrible,
godless
blasphemers aboard!
"The IRS has seized
my assets, claiming that I'm
building the
Ark in preparation
to fleeing the country to avoid
paying taxes.
I just got a notice
from the state that I owe them
some kind of
user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a
�recreational water
craft.' Finally,
the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against
further construction of the Ark,
saying that
since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious
event and
therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think
I can finish the Ark for
another 5 or 6
years, at least!"
wailed Noah.
The sky began to clear,
the sun began to shine, and
the seas
began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are
not going to destroy the earth,
Lord?"
"No," said the Lord
sadly. "It's too late. The
government
already has."
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