US POPULATION AT 13,462
"We Don't Think Everyone Sent In Their Census forms," Say Officials
WASHINGTON, DC--With the April 1 deadline for returning Census 2000 forms
finally passed, the Bureau of the Census announced Monday that the U.S.
population stands at 13,462.
"We at the Census Bureau are shocked by the incredible decrease in the
population that apparently took place in the 10 years since the last
Census in 1990," Census Bureau director Kenneth Prewitt said. "A 1999
projection estimated the U.S. population at 274 million and set the
annual growth rate at .95 percent. Yet from this latest Census count, we
find that this projection overestimates the population by a multiple of
20,000."
Despite the sharp population dip, some data remains consistent with
previous censuses. New York remains the nation's largest city, with a
population of 664. Los Angeles is a close second with 657, and Chicago a
distant third with 329. Surprisingly, the nation's fourth largest city is
now Elkhart, IN, with a population of 256. Some suspect that the rise is
the result of a citywide "Hey, Elkhart, Come To Your Census!" campaign.
The most precipitous decline in urban population was in Houston, TX,
formerly America's fourth largest city. In 1990, Houston boasted a
population of 1,630,553. In 2000, it is 12.
As a result of the low Census count, hundreds of members of the House of
Representatives are now departing Washington. Because the Constitution
stipulates that the number of representatives is determined by each
state's population, these representatives are finding themselves without
the necessary constituents to justify their presence in congress.
"I greatly enjoyed my 20 years in the House," said U.S. Rep. William
Skene (R-ID). "Sadly, only one person from my state, Hank, answered the
Census, so I will have to tender my resignation."
Yet some changes could be beneficial. The nation's Social Security crisis
has been solved, with the nation's 7,204 senior citizens dividing amongst
themselves $416 billion in Social Security funds.
"Last week, I was turned away by the local V.A. hospital," said Warren
Costello, 88, a Medford, MA, WWII veteran and diabetes sufferer who
doesn't have medical insurance. "But now I can afford my very own
jet-powered walker."
Similarly, if the Clinton Administration's education budget request
passes, the per-child allotment will exceed $2.8 million.
"Gone are the days of 40 children to a classroom," education advocate
Marian Wright Edelman said. "Today, the ratio is an estimated 40,000
classrooms to a child."
But despite such optimism, some observers are predicting that the low
population count will have catastrophic effects on the national and
global economy.
"Our 13,462 residents will be extremely hard-pressed to match the
estimated 1999 gross domestic product of $6.9 trillion, unless each of
them works tens of thousands of industrial, agricultural, and
service-sector jobs," said Professor M. Russell Harte of Northwestern
University's Kellogg School Of Business. "Also, I predict that the
importation of foreign goods will plummet by nearly 600,000 percent, and
the previously burgeoning consumer economy will experience a violent
collapse. And if you consider that most of the Census respondents were
aged 65 years or older, it doesn't take long to come to the conclusion
that we are doomed."
As experts in countless fields contemplate the potentially disastrous
impact the Census results may have on American life, they all arrive at
the same question: Why did the American population decline so sharply
during the 1990s?
"Many theories have been offered, such as disease, or mass genocide by
global thermonuclear war, or perhaps devastation from the killer-bee
invasions that were predicted to occur sometime in the '90s," Prewitt
said. "Many are even speculating that not everyone sent in their Census
forms. But the cold, hard evidence is telling us that it will take us a
long time to rebuild our population to 1990 levels. So commence breeding,
America."
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