GORESPEAK SIMPLIFIED
WHAT'S THIS COMMIE REALLY SAYIN'?
By: Michael J. Bates
Lately folks around town have expressed their confusion in tryin�
to understand what exactly it is the Rice-President in charge of
gettin� himself elected Totalitarian-in-Chief is sayin� every
time he opens his yap to hawk up some more Gorespeak. As Zed
Zonker, owner of Zonker�s Guns & Bait Tavern, puts it, "what the
hell�s that drooper jawin� about now, an how long is he goin� to
stay on the side of the fence he�s standin� on when he says it?"
In an effort to clarify some of the crap comin� outta the mouth
of the Chinese communists� favorite politician, an� so better
serve the good citizens of Last Ditch Attempt, an Ad Hoc
committee of local luminaries was formed to study an� try to
decipher some of Al�s gibberish.
The committee consisted of: Mr. Biggun Stump, owner of The Last
Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait In The Back); Miss Mobeta
Tingler, owner of Tingler�s Gamin� Center An� House Of Horizontal
Refreshment (Check Yer Guns At The Door � Bait�s Upstairs); Mr.
Dirty Neck Hickey, President of the Last Ditch Attempt Huntin� &
Fishin� Club (Guns & Bait Everwhere Ya Look). Soon as they
figured out what "Ad Hoc" meant they got down to it an� these
here are their translations of what they think Al�s REALLY sayin�
when he cuts loose with his GORESPEAK.
Gorespeak � "I got a whole book about what I�m going to do."
Translation � My socialist manifesto is on sale now.
Gorespeak � "It ought to be possible to establish a coordinated
global program to accomplish the strategic goal of completely
eliminating the internal combution engine over, say, a
twenty-five year period." Translation � Yer children will plow
behind mules in the comin� world gulag.
Gorespeak � "I volunteered to cooperate fully as I have from the
beginning of the investigation." Translation � I ain�t told the
truth in thirty years, why start now?
Gorespeak � "There is no controlling legal authority..."
Translation � I�M the law, so shut the hell up and gimme yer
wallet.
Gorespeak � Decisions should be made "in the best interest of the
6-year-old child." (Elian Gonzalez) Translation � Don�t ask me,
I�m not gettin� in the middle of this mess. On the other hand, I
invented Cubans, so they owe me their votes.
Gorespeak � "I will fight for all the people ... including
janitors." Translation � I will OWN all the people ...
including janitors.
Gorespeak � "This is not only the most successful event ever" � A
$25,000 a head fundraiser held in California�s Silicon Valley �
"but it has broken the old record by a long shot." Translation �
It�s good to be the King.
Gorespeak � "I didn�t know it was a fund raising event."
Translation � I didn�t know I was goin� to get caught takin�
money from communists.
Gorespeak � "The Democracy Endowment will break the link between
money and political influence." Translation � I�ll have all the
money, an� that influences the hell outta me.
Gorespeak � "I know firsthand what is wrong with the way we fund
our political campaigns." Translation � I�ve been lyin�, cheatin�
and stealin� my entire political career.
Gorespeak � "Tony Coelho is doing a terrific job day after day.
He will continue to do a terrific job." Translation � Tony Coelho
is a damn fine little thief, he will continue to be a damn fine
thief.
Gorespeak � "The details of donations are a science I do not
involve myself in." Translation � I don�t know the names of all
the bagmen I use to collect my graft money.
Gorespeak � "My commitment to changing America�s campaign finance
laws is both personal and profound." Translation � I don�t EVER
wanna get caught takin� payoffs again.
Gorespeak � "There certainly is not anything wrong with my
relationship with Occidental Petroleum." Translation � I�m rakin�
in the dough hand over fist, what�s wrong with that?
Gorespeak � "We are ready for any unforseen event which may or
may not occur." Translation � We can spin ANYTHING any damn way
we want.
Gorespeak � "I took the initiative in inventing the Internet..."
Translation � Y�all wanna buy some beachfront property in
Nebraska?
Gorespeak � "Every American has the right to health care
insurance." Translation � Carry out yer own dead.
Gorespeak � "No child should go without care in these strong
economic times." Translation � Janet Reno�s gonna carry out yer
dead.
Gorespeak � "I made a change, I started answering questions
without waiting to analyze what the administration�s agenda was."
Translation � Bill said I could start tellin� my own lies.
Gorespeak � "I began to dig deep to find ways I could communicate
what I was trying to say in this campaign in a more effective
way." Translation � Y�all wouldn�t believe how CHEAP it is to buy
off the mainstream media.
Gorespeak � "If you give me a chance, I will be a law-and-order
President." Translation � The thugs that pass for law around here
will be roundin� y�all up in short order.
Gorespeak � "We have to stand up to the NRA ... and get guns out
of the hands of people who shouldn� have them." Translation � Put
yer hands on yer heads an� get into them boxcars pronto!
The committee will now summarize their findins�.
Miss Mobeta Tingler � This polecat has been in my place of
business. He�s a confidence man from the word go an� if he shakes
yer hand you�d best be countin� yer fingers. His favorite girl
is Ophelia Olover, an� she says he�s a short-time-skivvy-boy
who�s always changin� his positions!
Mr. Dirty Neck Hickey � His talkin� sounds like somethin� what
fell outta a tall mule.
Mr. Biggun Stump � Washington used ta be a swamp, an� this here
fella is just some of the scum that floated to the top of it.
He does so much panderin� it�s a wonder I�ve never seen him in
his Superfly outfit, an� he couldn�t tell the truth if he had a
mouth full of it. This yahoo is one of the prime reasons for
HAVIN� the Second Amendment. He can have my guns when he pries
�em outta my COLD DEAD HANDS!
This has been a public service announcement from the folks of
Last Ditch Attempt. Try not to step in any Gorespeak. Y�all take
care now, hear.
=================================================================
Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh, YHVH, TZEVAOT
FROM THE DESK OF: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
*Mike Spitzer* <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
~~~~~~~~ <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
The Best Way To Destroy Enemies Is To Change Them To Friends
Shalom, A Salaam Aleikum, and to all, A Good Day.
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