-Caveat Lector-
http://modernhumorist.com/mh/0101/rand/
Atlas Shr - A glimpse into an alternate universe where Ayn Rand's
books are all 400 pages shorter
1. ALAN GREENSPAN finished reading Ayn Rand's complete works
seven years earlier. He advanced more quickly into Rand's inner
circle, began his career as an economist in the mid-1960s, and became
chairman of the Federal Reserve Board in 1971. Thanks to his earlier
leadership, there was no oil crisis or recession in the 70s. As a
result, widespread vilification of Arab culture by working class
Americans never came to pass, and the professional wrestling
scapegoat known as The Iron Sheik was never created. This allowed
wrestler Bob Backlund to retain the WWF championship belt in 1983.
2. COLLEGE FRESHMEN vowing to read longest book they could find
in the library, turned not to "Atlas Shrugged" but to the unabridged
"Notre-Dame de Paris." One of these students went on to a position of
power at Walt Disney Pictures, where he nipped in the bud an
ill-conceived plan for an animated version of "The Hunchback of Notre
Dame," thus leaving collaborators Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz
free to work on other projects. Schwartz signed on for a "Pippin"
revival in Liverpool. Bernie Taupin, who had been competing with
Schwartz for the job, was so distraught over not getting it that he
began drinking again, and was in no condition to adapt the lyrics for
"Candle in the Wind" when Princess Diana passed away. Elton John's
own attempt at reworking the lyrics failed to take the world by storm
("Oh Princess Diana / we won't see you mañana") and the international
land mine treaty was never ratified. While crossing the Iran-Iraq
boarder, The Iron Sheik stepped on a mine and was mortally wounded.
On his deathbed, he admitted that he cheated in the 1983 championship
match and insisted that the title be returned to Bob Backlund.
3. RAND'S MORE CONCISE and artistically potent edition of "The
Fountainhead" made for a much better screenplay when it was adapted
in 1949. Galvanized by the script, Gary Cooper turned in the greatest
performance of his career, inspiring many young film-goers to move to
Hollywood and become actors themselves, including the young Iron
Sheik, who settled into a comfortable if undistinguished television
career instead of becoming a pro wrestler. Bob Backlund easily
defeated Greg Valentine in 1983.
4. THE BOOK "ANTHEM," being only 235 pages, was never written,
and so the Canadian power trio Rush never recorded their
"Anthem"-inspired album "2112." Due to the artistic hole gnawing at
him, drummer/lyricist Neil Peart felt stunted, dropped out of the
band, became an alcoholic, and killed the Iron Sheik in a drunk
driving accident on the eve of the 1983 championship match, and Bob
Backlund retained the belt.
5. INFORMED BY SEVERAL PUBLISHERS that "We the Living" was about
400 pages too short, Ayn tried to pad her first manuscript with a new
preface discussing the European impact of the Bolshevik revolution.
During her research at the Gregorian University in Rome, she met a
handsome young student named Albino Luciani. Though she was a married
woman and he was ordained a priest, they were able to keep their
torrid affair a secret until Albino was elected Pope in 1978, taking
the name John Paul I. Almost immediately, an embittered Nathaniel
Branden released his memoir "My Year with Ayn Rand." The ensuing
scandal forced John Paul I to choose between his office and the woman
he loved, and he abdicated after only 33 days as pontiff. His
successor Kozrow Vaziri took the name "Pope the Iron Sheik," but died
on his first day. Kozrow's legacy was honored by his successor Karol
Wojtyla who became "Pope the Iron Sheik II", as prophesized in the
third and fifth secrets of Fatima. Last year, Bob Backlund ran for
U.S. Senator from Connecticut.
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