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Politically Incorrect Movie Reviews
The Sum of All Fears
by RadioFree Rocky D
Published 06. 6. 02 at 22:44 Sierra Time
Cast:
Ben Affleck (Jack Ryan) � dude, where�s my bomb?
Morgan Freeman (Cabot) � could�ve done this role in his sleep and maybe he did.
Liev Schreiber (Clark) � a real handy guy if you need someone bye-bye.
James Cromwell (President Fowler) � Lyndon Johnson meets Jimmy Durante.
Ciaran Hinds (Russian President) � proof that there are no good toupee�s anywhere
in
Russia.
Bridget Moynahan (Cathy) � The Girl.
Alan Bates (Dressler) � Der Fuhrer wannabe Snidely Von Viplash, nyah-ah-ahhhh.
So Hollyweird finally gets the balls to make a movie about a terrorist nuclear
strike against America; but whom do they cast as the terrorist villains � are they
Arabs? Nooooo. Are they Muslim extremists? Nooooo. They�re Neo-NAZI�s, silly �
NEO NAZI�s!?! D�oh! Gee-Zuss, Hollyweird, what the hell is wrong with you?
Everyone on the planet knows who the terrorists are except YOU. The Sum of All
Fears is proof positive that Hollyweird�s heads are so far up their leftist asses, they
cannot even see daylight. Ask yourself this question: Other than constantly and
forevermore in the pop-culture granola-munching media, when was the last time you
actually saw a NAZI? Memo to Hollyweird: THERE IS NO FREAKIN� NAZI THREAT,
YOU BONEHEADS � THE THREAT TO AMERICA�S FREEDOMS COMES FROM
THE LEFT! The left, i.e., people like you, Hollyweird.
It would have made more sense, considering recent news of the re-rising red
tide in Russia to make the baddies NEO-Commies, but in Tinsel Town there are no
Commie villains. And the La-La-Land liberals are too dense to remember that NAZI
stood for National Socialist Workers Party.
I guess we can�t blame Hollyweird for being so lost in its own cloud of PC
poofery that they�ve actually begun to over-politically correct themselves. They have
currently reached the improbable plateau of politically correcting their own political
correctness (if that�s possible). Hollyweird is now at such a stage of it�s own
heightened PC�ness that it recognizes NAZI�s as the only worldwide bad boys. Never
mind that the Commies killed ten times as many innocent people. Never mind that
the radical Muslim sects around the world have killed many times more as well, and
are still at it to this day. Never mind that in Tom Clancy�s book The Sum of All Fears
the terrorists are Arabs, as in real life. Hollyweird won�t hear of it and real life
means
nothing to them. To the conglomeration of leftist thought police that permeate Tinsel
Town, you cannot truly be a baddie unless you are an Evil Northern European
Caucasian.
Secret cabals of evil Aryans are attempting to overthrow the world as you sit
there unawares � lookout! There�s one behind your bushes! There�s one under your
bed! They�re everywhere waiting to strike! Hitler�s head, which is floating in a jar of
formaldehyde in a hidden Bavarian lab, is issuing orders of world domination to
sympathetic Whitey�s. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
One of the more preposterous questions asked by one of the characters in The
Sum of All Fears is, �What�s a South African doing in the Ukraine with three Russian
scientists and a crate from Israel?� Glad you axed; it�s like this: An Israeli fighter
pilot
lost his A-Bomb in the desert (Oy gevald! My bad, bubbola!), an innocent Arab (the
only kind you find in Hollyweird) finds it and gets ripped off in a sale to an Evil
Whitey
who talks like Colonel Klink. This is not good, because as we all know, every time
Whitey gets an A-Bomb, he tries to blow up something. That�s what Whitey�s do.
You would think that would be enough PC to fill a whole room of Hollyweird
film
projects, but oh, no � there�s much more PC pap in The Sum of All Fears. One of the
evil Aryans, while making the bomb functional, stands by the bomb and shows his
cigarettes, �Someone told me these would kill me � � Heh heh heh � them NAZI
fellers shore is jokesters, ain�t they? This, of course, is Hollyweird�s way of
equating a
deadly nuclear bomb to deadly cigarettes. And sure enough, they�re right, by golly.
You smoke one A-Bomb and it�s like smoking 50 trillion cigarettes at once. We need
a warning label on bombs to keep the teenagers away from them: Warning, the
Surgeon General says that nuclear devices may cause death, destruction and glow-
in-the-dark body parts. Light fuse and get away � FAR away. In fact, the bomb is
hidden inside a cigarette machine � now if that isn�t an anti-smoking message, what
is? The camera pans by all your favorite tobacco brands. There�s Marlboro, Lucky
Strike (get it?) and Camels � say wha? Camels?! Ooohhh � izzat an anti-Arab
thing stuck in there by some sharp- eyed props manager and missed by the PC
thought police? Good work kid, whoever you are!
More PC seepage can be seen in the fact that as the Russian and the
American Presidents have staffs that are comprised of totally incapable middle aged
white guys who run around yelling �someone DO something!� the only calm, cool and
collected man in the bunch is Morgan Freeman. Freeman basically reprises the
same role he has in just about every movie � the Wise Old Minority Guy. This covers
two PC bases at once for Hollyweird. The first is the sacred minority character who
knows things � secret things � that no mere Whitey could ever know. The second is
the perverted Hollyweird notion that the military brass is awash in bumbling
ineptitude. After all, if not for cabals of Evil Whitey�s in the military, the
corporate
boardroom and in the State Houses, all the countries of the world would be holding
hands singing We Are The World.
Bad cabals of Whitey�s! Bad bad bad!
And what do all cabals of evil Whitey�s always have at their disposal? The
Scary Black Briefcase with Secret Flashing Buttons in it! Nooooooo! Not the
briefcase! Noooooo!
The Russian Head Cheese tells one of our boys, �Getting involved in another
country�s business is like sleeping with another man�s wife.� I take it this guy has
not
heard of Bill Clinton.
In attempting to politically correctize Clancy�s original (and right) idea of
Arab
terrorists and converting them into PC NEO-NAZI�s, the screen writers of The Sum of
All Fears inserted some very stupid scenes with equally doltish characters and even
more thick-witted dialogue. The secret cabal of NEO-NAZI�s gathers in opulent sitting
rooms, sneering banalities to each other. The main man, Dressler, curls his lip and
smirks, �Hitler made a mistake. You don�t fight America and Russia, you get them to
fight each other.� All this character needs to complete his cartoonish persona is a
mustache to twiddle and twin Doberman pinschers wearing spiked collars that only
move when spoken to by their �master.� Vee vill be victorious! Heil ME! Bwaaa-
hahahahahaaaaaaa!
And how do we know who the NAZI�s are? Because they have their own line of
wristwatches, of course. What better way for the busy working NAZI to tell when it�s
time to take over the world? I�ll bet they even have alarms built in that play the tune
Springtime For Hitler & Germany.
More PC pishposh is apparent when our secret agent man Ben Affleck, the
terminal mouth-breathing pop-actor, somehow never gets the idea that maybe he
should get a gun. Instead, he pops in and out of dangerous scenery perhaps hoping
all the bad guys will be willing to take him on hand-to-hand. An assassin-spy-guy pal
of his actually gives him a gun in one scene and Affleck looks at it as if to say,
�Golly
� what�s this thing?� Minutes later he refuses to use the weapon, even though his
pal is in danger. This is the famous Jack Ryan character?
Only police officers, military, IRS Agents and other Big Government approved
people should be allowed to carry guns. Anyone else who has a gun is a bad person.
We need more gun control laws. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
One of the Evil Whitey�s is named Mace. He�s the guy who transports the
bomb. He�s so racist, he won�t even talk to his friendly black co-worker who refers to
him as �my brother.� Apparently, the friendly black co-worker had not noticed Mace
was an unfriendly, slimy, dipwad until this time. Mace seemingly thinks that this bomb
will kill only blacks and other people he dislikes. Mace needs to research his hobbies
more thoroughly.
Remember when President Dubya threw out the first pitch this spring and the
crowd cheered for him? It was a heartening show of support for our leader in a time
of crisis. Generally, we here in the fly over zone like George Dubya. He�s mainly an
alright kinda guy. Hollyweird has not forgotten it, either. They did not like Dubya
getting applauded, because every time Bill Clinton, the Hollyweird President, came
out to do it, he got booed. In fact, Hillary got booed so badly, that Viacom would not
air it, lest it be video proof of how much the average Joe hates the liberal icons of
the
left. Hence, in The Sum of All Fears the American President is booed at the Super
Bowl. Nice try, Hollyweird, but we�re not buying it.
As in all flicks of this type, the tale is full of credibility gaps wide
enough to put
an aircraft carrier through. Here are some fun implausibilities: There is the idea
that a
jet fighter pilot would not see an incoming missile because he was distracted when
he dropped his picture of his wife and kid. Yeah right. Here we have a nuclear crisis
and the Vice-President is not even in the plans � in fact he�s not in the movie at all;
there is no Vice-President. Okay then. The NEO-NAZI dudes never quite adequately
explain just how a war between Russia and the USA is beneficial to them in any way.
Whatever. Ben Affleck runs though a nuke-blasted town unaffected and ill concerned
about nuclear fallout. Okee-dokee. Then Affleck, bloodied, beaten and dirty, runs
right through security at the Pentagon. Maybe they were part-time airport security.
When Affleck and his spy-pal want to keep Ukrainian sucurity guards from following
them, they take their boots (?). And lets not forget that Affleck took the role of Jack
Ryan when it was turned down by Harrison Ford; what next � Carrot Top as Han
Solo? Gilbert Gottfried as Indiana Jones? Pee Wee Herman as The Fugitive?
The Sum of All Fears has three of the five Bachelor B�s in it. Blood (bodies
everywhere), Bashes (mo� gear smashin than a metal mosh pit) and Bombs (but of
course; the big grand-daddy of �em all). No Beasts and no Breasts (kinda negates
the reason for having The Girl in the film in the first place).
Sometimes it seems that The Sum of All Fears takes too long to get going, but
when it does, you may think the real sum of all fears is that Ben Affleck is in charge
of saving the world. Now that�s scary. And remember, if you happen to find a lost A-
Bomb on your next trip to the beach, do not � I repeat, do not � sell it to an Evil
Whitey.
I give The Sum of All Fears three and a half Capitalist Dollar Signs. $$$�
�
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the author, and our URL. www.SierraTimes.com All Sierra Times news reports, and
all editorials are � 2002 SierraTimes.com (unless otherwise noted)
SierraTimes.com� A Subsidiary of J.J. Johnson Enterprises, Inc.
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