---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 10:47:55 -0400 From: Doug Hunt <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Subject: Trading Is Heavy in the Humans Market > Trading Is Heavy in the Humans Market > Dennis Hans > Tuesday, August 3, 1999 > ©1999 San Francisco Chronicle > > URL: http://www.commondreams.org/ > > (Transcript of the June 1, 1999, broadcast) > > GOOD EVENING and welcome to the PBS ``Nightly > Peoples Report.'' > > Trading was fast and furious today on the Ethnicities and > Nationalities Market. The value of the American continued to > soar as the world held its collective breath over the fate of U.S. > bomber pilots flying 10 miles above Yugoslavia. News of their > safe return to base sent Yankee bulls on a spending spree. > > The upshot? At the close of trading, the life of an American > held nine times the value of its closest competitor, the Brit. > Elsewhere on the European Big Board, the German closed at > 11 to the American, the Swede and Dane held steady at 12.5, > while the French fell to 22 as investors recoiled at the heavy > volume of hairy legs along the Riviera. > > The big news remains the volatile Albanian Kosovar. For most > of the decade, it sold at 10,000 to the American, but the > Kosovar has fluctuated wildly since deregulation March 24. > In the weeks that followed, both in Belgrade and the capitals > of NATO, the Kosovar lost nearly all its value, plunging to > 300,000. So it declared a split and relocated half its human > capital to foreign markets. The new offering, known as the > Exiled Kosovar, became the darling of western investors and > skyrocketed to 25. > > But that's not the end of this remarkable story. Wily traders > caught with the crumbling Kosovo-based Kosovar discovered > that a Dead Kosovar was worth its weight in gold in western > propaganda markets. It closed today at 15 to the American, and > analysts see a bright future for the Dead Kosovar -- if it retains > political utility. > > Elsewhere in the Balkans, more bad news for the battered > Serb. It plummeted for a 70th straight day and now sits at > 400,000. Investors left holding the worthless ethnicity blame > London and Washington, but New York Times columnist Thomas > Friedman blames the market itself, saying that Serbs are > subhuman and thus shouldn't even be traded in a humans market. > > We'll be right back after this message. > > Remember, this is pledge week at PBS. Donate $100 and we'll > send you a copy of Gary Null's ``How to Live Forever If You're an > American > > --or Till 45 If You're a Kurd.'' > > Welcome back. In the Peoples of Color Market, the Angolan fell > to 44,000 to the American while the Cuban closed up 500 points at > 13,000, reflecting a strong rookie pitching crop that has scouts > salivating. The Haitian climbed 800 to 22,000 after Disney's > announcement of a summer blockbuster with textile tie-ins. > > Today saw another big sell-off of Timorese as investors remain > frightened by western support for intensified Indonesian repression. > Analysts say the Timorese, which closed at 52,000, could go the way > of the Iraqi. > > Speaking of which, indifference to the Iraqi market is so great > that in a recent poll of people value managers, 95 percent were > unaware that eight years of economic sanc tions had taken a million > or more Iraqis off the market. > > Some analysts credit President Clinton for degrading the Iraqi to > its true value (500,000 to the American), while others feel a hands-off > approach might trigger a recovery. In any event, the Iraqi has been > demoted from the Peoples Market to the Commodities Market, where > it is pegged at 200 to the cow and 25 to the soybean. > > Word on the street is commodities queen Hillary Clinton will cash in > her cows for 100,000 Iraqis and use them as shoe leather in her > senatorial bid. If she does, a big win in the Big Apple could spark an > Iraqi rally. > > And now, tonight's commentary: > > Once again, government intervention in the Peoples Market has > reared its ugly head. While the Exiled Kosovar is a great story, the > NATO-organized relief effort has artificially inflated its value. In a > free system of freely traded humans, the Exiled Kosovar would be > worth no more than the Rwandan or the Guatemalan. Let's allow > the market to work its magic. In the long run, we'll all be better off. > Thank you for watching the ``Nightly Peoples Report.'' Happy > investing, and may you never sell people short. > > Dennis Hans is a free-lance writer and an occasional adjunct > professor of American foreign policy and mass communications at > the University of South Florida in St. Petersburg. His work has > appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Village > Voice and Christianity & Crisis. > > ©1999 San Francisco Chronicle ** NOTICE: In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this material is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. **
