Cheers Dears
By Augusto Pinto
The Radioactive Bananas
Dears,
I met Teofilus Dos Reis Magos Fernandes or Toff, the true Renaissance man of
Moira, outside the church on Sunday. Teofilus had studied astronomical
physics in addition to astrology. But, he has also read widely in
philosophy, genetics and paleontology. For pastime he plays chess, and for a
living he grows bananas. He is also the Honorary President of the Moira
Inter-cosmic Lampooners Front [M.I.L.F.]
Obviously, his intellect reigns supreme in Ganvant, the vaddo meaning 'the
village'. It is where the first man from outer space landed in Moira, many
thousands of years ago. When I met Toff after the mass, he was thoughtfully
shaking his head, rapt in a conversation with himself, something which the
very intelligent are sometimes forced to do, for want of better company.
Seeing his odd gesticulations, I went to pick the wise man's brains.
"Hello Toff, what's the matter?" "It's that priest from Kerala who gave the
sermon today, Gusto. I found him particularly ill-informed and annoying" As
I don't usually attend the mass except on sad occasions such as funerals and
weddings, I had to ask him,"Why?"
"He was raving and ranting about the population policy of the Left Front
government in Kerala. They want to enforce the two child norm there, and
fine couples who have a third child." "Well what's wrong with that?", I
said,"We've all been told that India's rising population is the main cause
of all our problems, including poverty, malnutrition..."
"Yes Gusto, yes, but the Padre said that the population of Christians in
Kerala is dwindling rapidly. He said that they would soon be wiped out of
existence. So the Christian churches of Kerala want their folks to increase
and multiply, as the Good Lord said. That's why they and the Left government
are at loggerheads."
"But what's your quarrel with the Keralite priest, Toff?" "Well, he also
wants the people of Moira not to succumb to this population propaganda,
Gusto" I said,"May be he's right. I can see that here in Goa people of all
castes, creeds and religions are beginning to have less kids with each
passing year. As a result there's a vacuum which has to be filled by others,
to do construction work for instance, or to look after our graying elders."
"But you don't understand - Gusto, there is no chance that Moidekars will
breed like rabbits. So why does he waste time asking Moidekars to
procreate." I was a little puzzled. As far as I was aware, Moidekars liked
their fun as much as the next person. So I asked him,"Toff, what makes you
think that Moidekars don't want to make children?"
"Bananas!" replied Toff. I was even more intrigued,"Bananas? What have
bananas got to do with this?" I said. Incidentally, the banana trees that
grow in Moira, are even today considered the biggest and most tasty of Goa.
And though much of the banana crop of this variety actually comes from
places like Mencurem in Bicholim taluka, the sellers will always claim they
are from Moira.
"Gusto, didn't you know that when our ancestors came from outer space, many
moons ago, they brought with them radioactive soil which they sprinkled in
the fields of Moira?" I said,"Really?" "Yes, it resulted in fine bananas,
but the radiation has affected the genes of the banana planters, and now the
children have gradually stopped coming."
I asked,"And do those bananas similarly affect the people who eat them" "No,
Gusto, on the contrary those who consume Moira bananas, get a similar
reaction to those who have drugs like viagra, levitra and so on; only it is
more natural and healthy.'
I said, "My God!! Toff, this is sensational! If this news gets out the sales
of those pharmaceutical giants will plummet, and the banana prices will
soar!!" "Yes, Gusto its a capitalist conspiracy. The media ensures that
these bananas are less well known than they should be." And with a cryptic
smile he went his way.
I can never tell when Teofilus is joking.
Till next time then...
Cheers (ENDS)
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The above article appeared in the August 13, 2008 edition of the Herald, Goa
