============ GOAN ABROAD! ============ weekly humor
[If you came in late - Langoti "Long" John Silva is a globe-trotting Goencar, always accompanied by his foul-mouthed parrot Cocky] EPISODE 2: "The Agony of Flushing" ******** The parrot flushed in agony, as the front-door letterbox clanged. My Mexican maid opened the muddy envelope, and grimaced. "Your Goanese hermanos call por you, otra vez, Senhor Silva!" "Whaaaat?" I gagged, "Oh no, not their bloody AGM again!" Goans worldwide have a tradition of internecine warfare, and invariably every country has two or three local Goan Associations battling to death. The "Associacao Goencars Of New York" or A.G.O.N.Y. is NY's premier Goan snakepit, headquartered in Flushing, carrying on a vicious war with neighbouring "Goan Association New Jersey Area" or G.A.N.J.A. One April Sunday, I bussed from Astoria to the HH Expressway in Fresh Meadows, for AGONY's AGM at the Gujarati Community Center, Flushing. "Arrre, no pets allowed!" yelled Mr. Juan Souza, at the gate, to Cocky. "Baizuan!" screeched Cocky, but when he looked up she had flown. The mahajanwadi hall was jampacked with faux goencars bursting out of polka pushers and khaki camisoles, each yearning to be more Yank! On the high-table, joining Souza and his cronies were Lui Lobo Prabhu, AGONY founder, and the ladies-wing chair, 'Lijjat' Sardinha, a conniving hussy, apparently nicknamed for being as flat as the proverbial pappad. Mo' Gouveia, a crusty crow from upstate NY, called the meeting to order. "Mogall bhaoo..oo...oo, ani...ani...bhoin...aan..aan..oo..oo!" he stammered. "Boo-hoo, heheh, boo-hoo!" came a Cocky shriek, high in the rafters. "Fust item, I ree..ding minnits of last AGM, em...em...he stuttered again, before the assembly started shouting him down, "Elections, elections!" "We promisshed to do something to sshave our Goa, last year!" cried Mo. Saving Goa is an eternal hot-air chant of external Goans, worldwide. "Yeah, you shaved and laundered BaBush's rupees into dollars!" yelled Rolly Frank, the boiling mob's leader, as they rushed the dais en masse. "Not BhayyaBush, shady, it was Dubyya Bush!" screamed the parrot. Mo wailed, "As a Goencar I only tried to 'do', I mean 'kor' my best....." "Do...kor, dukor, dukor!" roared Cocky, the mob joining in "Du...kor!!!" If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - The popat always knows! "Where's the poishe, show us the money, we want accounts!" came a high- pitched squeal, and I reeled in shock. In the center of the rabble, in fake tweed and derby, screaming for moola, was con chappie....Mauvin Bobo! The supreme irony was, Mauvin was elected AGONY's treasurer before, but like most Goencar Society cashiers, had a field day looting every last cent. Mo wept, "It went for the annual Mass, the picnic, the pao, the choris...." "Choris?? Chor...is??" shrieked Cocky, "Chor...is....you!" "We are going to pass the accounts as read!" screamed the flaky Lijjat. "Yeah, we'll make you pass something red!" burst Cocky, the mob baying. The committee stood up grimly, held hands, and the bearded Lui sneered. "We will fight! We're here to pass our agenda not just to....lose motions!" Instantly, from high above, they were all splattered with a lurid stream of bird poop! Mo tripped over the mike, Lui skidded over the stage's edge into the crowd, and Lijjat exploded into the sound-system as it short-circuited. The meeting dissolved into pandemonium as the Gujjus called 911. Due to the NY water-rationing, the taps had run dry, so the committee had to clean up using the WCs - you could actually hear their agony of flushing! Cocky swooped down to my shoulder and we fled, making a clean getaway. "You murderous bird!" I admonished, "Why did you poop-bomb them??" "Helloooo!!" she yelled, "Didn't the committee mention....loose motions??" "Cocky," I said softly, "it's not our culture....this poop.....this guano!" "On the contrary!" she roared, "Spelling mistake! It's actually....Goan-o!" The popat always knows. ================================================================================== The above column appeared in the 3 February, 2010 edition of The Herald Daily, Goa. ================================================================================== http://www.konkanisongbook.com/ _________________________________________________________________
