Saint Patrick Day Puns
1
During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were
attempting yet another daring prison break.
On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were
chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. They
were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught
them in the act.
As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so
careful. How did you ever catch us?"
The German replied,"It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell ....
when Irish spies are filing."
2
Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband,
the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the
Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of
the area early the next morning.
Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at Nice, but
now she noticed that it was beginning to fade. Not having anything
scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off in search of
a secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a bit. Unfortunately,
Lura failed to realize that at high attitudes the rays of the sun were
much more damaging than at sea level. Even worse, she fell asleep. She
awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable. Dressing gingerly, she limped back
to the hotel to have her husband assess the damages and the prospects
for the morrow.
After one look he delivered his verdict: .... "Tour all Ural, Lura? Too
raw, Lura. Lie."
3
Guglielmo Marconi, an Italian, is generally credited with the invention
of radio. However, scientists from all over the world had to make
contributions before radio could be a reality. For instance, an American
Joseph Henry and an Englishman, Michael Faraday proved that currents in
one wire could produce currents in another. Edouard Branly, a Frenchman,
invented a devise that could receive Marconi's transmissions and ring a
bell. John Fleming, an Englishman, invented the vacuum tube necessary to
receive radio waves which was later improved by another American, Lee de
Forest. But none of this would have been possible without a means to
collect the sounds for transmissions. The common belief is that the
microphone was invented by an Irishman. But this is purely a patent mike story.
4
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a
mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally
deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing.
Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was
a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my
liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but ....
my riled Irish whoa's!"
5
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive
information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk
around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found
himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a
village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the
baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name
is Murphy."
"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret
code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the cows are ready
for milking."
"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the
village over the other direction."
6
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee late
one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good
blood, those O'Grady's!"
"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says
here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch,
they are!"
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to
be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles from Dublin!"
7
It is common knowledge that the after the Romans conquered Israel, they
renamed the country "Palestine" after a bastardized version of the name
Phillistines. One of the legacies of that conquest was the spread of
Israelites over the European continent, as the Romans had them rowing in
the galleys, and then sold off into slavery in the Roman Empire. That
empire stretched all the way up to Britain. It was there that the
Roman's discovered that some of the Jews they had taken to be sold off
as slaves in the upper realm of the empire were actually quite ill. The
Romans had unknowingly rounded up the denizens of a leper colony onto a
ship. The sickly people were banished in Britain to the western islands,
the Emerald Isles. Though the Romans again bastardized a language and
called them "leprechauns", back home in the Holy Land they were
originally "leper Cohens".
Even Beatle Paul McCartney paid tribute to Britain's leper Cohens in
the song "Yesterday"....... "I'm not half the man I used to be". And a
beetle wouldn't pull your leg unless he was caught on your cuff. Believe
it or don't, (By Guy Ben-Moshe)
8.
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of
traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
9.
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
A leprecohen told me
St. Patrick was Jewish! (By Dave Aronson)
10.
An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a
ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested
vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day"
he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock." (Archives)
11.
A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of
Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and
deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the
country's capitol was always Dublin.
12.
Once upon a time there was a very happy family consisting of a father,
a mother, and a little boy. He was a sweet little boy, very unselfish
always giving to others.
And when his birthday approached, his mother and father wanted to get
him something he really wanted because they loved and appreciated him
very much. So one day they approached him and asked him what he wanted.
To which he replied, *I want a rarie."
"A rarie?" asked his parents. They had never heard of a rarie. "What is
a rarie?" they asked.
The little boy told them that it was a very small, furry animal, a
cute, cuddly pet that he had seen advertised on television.
Well, the parents thought that a cute, cuddly pet would be an excellent
gift for their son. They went to the local pet store and bought one. The
boy was elated!
Well, the little rarie grew and grew and grew. He really grew! He got
huge. And he got mean, too! Really mean! He bit people. He growled a
lot. He was not a pleasant pet!
The family became very frustrated. Their happy little family unit was
becoming very dysfunctional because of the hideous pet. They met
together often to try to figure out what to do with it. Even the little
boy didn't love the rarie any more. They plotted to kill it.
They finally decided to push it off a cliff. But they didn't want
anybody to think they were mean. So they decided to push it off a
faraway cliff, where nobody would know. But where?
After much thought and discussion, they decided on Mount Everest
because the rarie had gotten so big it would take a really big mountain
to push him off of to kill him. They wanted to be sure they were rid of
him forever. He was about to ruin their close little family!
So off they flew. They took their hideous rarie up the mountain and
pushed him off, to his death. And they lived happily ever after.
Even today, when people ask this family whether they should purchase a
rarie or not, they reply no, you don't want to do that, you will just
have to kill him when he grows up and gets mean, and ... it's a long,
long, way to tip a rarie! (By Louise Brady)
13.
Starknight looks up from his drink. "I have a confession to make; I was
once in jail in Derry. The story of how it came about, though, is interesting...
"You see, one of my relatives (a 3rd cousin twice-removed on my
mother's side of the family) was a landowner in Ireland. He had a small
dairy, some pasture lands, and about 10 acres of crops. All in all, a
nice little family business, except that he had no family, being a
confirmed bachelor.
So, when he died, the farm came back to the family. "Now, somehow this
distant cousin knew of me, and decided that I would be the perfect
choice to handle the disposition of his estate. Personally, I think he
liked my name. So I travelled to Ireland, to look at the farm and see
what kind of assets Paddy had to distribute.
Arriving at Derry, I asked for Paddy O'Brien's farm, and was directed
there by a helpful milkmaid.
"When I got to the farmhouse, I was greeted by an elderly gentleman
with graying red hair and merry blue eyes. 'Welcome to O'Brien Manor,'
he said. 'I am Darby, the houseman.' He proceeded to introduce me to the
rest of the household and farm staff, and showed me to the office which
Paddy had built on to the back of the house."
Starknight pauses to take a refreshing drink from his rum and Coke.
"Ah, that's better... Clear those yiors from my throat. Where was I? Oh,
yes, just going into the office. Anyway, I spent the next two days going
over the financial situation, which was bleak. The dairy equipment
needed to be upgraded, the farm was deeply in debt, and the house
mortgaged to the hilt. Clearly, I was going to have to liquidate
everything in order to pay off Paddy's debts.
"However, I was a bit concerned about how the staff was going to take
the news. The best way to break it to them, I thought, would be to take
them all to a pub in Derry and tell them over a few drinks that they
were going to be out of work.
So we packed them into the farm truck and headed into town. "In a pub
called The Green Bough, we all sat down and had a few pints of ale. I
really didn't want to tell them, but I knew I had to do so, and I
managed to stand up and blurt out a few words before giving each of them
their walking papers.
At that, however, a constable who had been drinking in the corner got
up and approached the table. Taking out his handcuffs, he affixed them
to my wrists while pronouncing, 'Yer under arrest, laddie - come along quietly!'
"Believe me, I was much surprised when .... the judge sentenced me to
thirty days in jail for discharging an Eire farm within city limits..."
14.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem".
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says
Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills
and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look ...loike
a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy..
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first,
eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places
them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for
a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the
cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too
fockin' dangerous for me"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of
the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is
carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge
of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is
a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his
head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shooting nider"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself of the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin'
hen gliding"
15
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" and Pat
replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day,
died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud
for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push
this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it,
Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green cloud,
punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in
his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud
around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the
harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink
and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back
of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and
charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat,
I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St.
Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here
to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this
little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white
two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music
and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the
Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
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