Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 15 Signs You Read Too Many Comic Books
15> More than a little disappointed you didn't get invited to
Superman's wedding.
14> Keep memorizing words like "SSPPLLAATT", "KAPOW", and
"BLAMMMMO" for school spelling bee.
13> Your resume lists your last three jobs as Defender of the
Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant
Manager of Inter-Galactic 7-11.
12> You shout "Curses! Foiled again" when they forget the catsup
at the drive-through.
11> You whack your boss over the head with a hammer and are
surprised when his skull doesn't pop back into shape.
10> Despite repeated attempts to stop speeding cars with your bare
hands, neighbors still think you're just a suicidal lunatic.
9> At age 43, you set the regional subscription record for
Grit Magazine.
8> Your compulsive self-narrative renders you too transparent
for a career in real estate or car repair.
7> You're the only one wearing a cape at step aerobics.
6> "Holy 40-year-old virgin, Batman!"
5> Wife is getting tired of you introducing her as "My trusty
sidekick."
4> Most of your sick days are due to "the effects of the
earth's yellow sun."
3> Refusing to admit you're drunk, you vow revenge on the evil
"Flaccidus" for your inability to "perform."
2> Your secret identity keeps drinking all the beer.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Read Too Many Comic Books...
1> Your attempts at becoming "Danger Cloud" are proving hard
on the underwear.
-----
Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin
10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you
have no idea it is referring to drugs.
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually
finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to
render obscene pictures of upper management people.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure
Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"
2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix
File System.
And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1. You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home
today so I can avoid wearing pants."
----Top 25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't
work:
1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
---------
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires
me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was
stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to
return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet
and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go
home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink
my poison . . ."
-------
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire
an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the
arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a
hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He
then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a
civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by
3:45"!!
--------
"Juan The Smuggler"
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and
says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties
them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains
Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover
that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
"What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that
the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back
to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets
him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't
sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
--------
Musician Jokes (in score order)
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa
Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are
hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The
rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing
one.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
would've done it.
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."
What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
--------
Software version explanations
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware
that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is
obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the
product, but in reality there's substantially more information
available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a
guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they
actually signify.
1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had
to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and
the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that
you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that
its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing
copy.
1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ...
1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and
so we had to fix them, too.
2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with.
Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're
working on it.
2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major
changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing
this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were
fixing these bugs.
2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you
won't believe how much trouble it caused!
2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since
1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!
3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the
customers are really happy with this.
3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.
4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and
you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...
4.1: Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!
5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an
installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing
after this.
6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many,
but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as
well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy
cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.
6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in
the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all
the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some
cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark
little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't
do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll
try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be
made.
------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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