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NY Times Op-Ed, Feb. 11 2015
In Alabama, a Quiet Fight to Marry
By JEAN MILLS and CAROL EICHELBERGER
COKER, Ala. — MONDAY morning began like any other morning on our little
farm in Alabama, where we have lived together for more than three
decades. We already knew that Roy S. Moore, the chief justice of the
State Supreme Court, had commanded the state’s probate judges to refuse
to grant marriage licenses to same-sex couples. But turning on the
radio, we learned that the judge in our county, Tuscaloosa, home to the
state’s flagship university, had decided to go along with him.
We yelled at the radio — and decided to do something about it.
Being a lesbian couple in small-town Alabama has its pluses and minuses,
for sure. In most ways, we fit in here. Jean was born and raised in
Coker; Carol is a relative newcomer, having moved from Texas 40 years
ago. People know us and have the grace and mercy to show acts of
kindness regularly. At the same time, Alabama is hardly an easy place to
be gay.
Marriage Equality and the Rule of Law in AlabamaFEB. 10, 2015
This is a state where it has been widely held that folk like us are
degenerates, and going to burn in hell. A state where there is a law
making same-sex marriage illegal and where, for good measure, citizens
have also passed a constitutional amendment to the same effect.
Occasionally we pause to wonder how, specifically, our relationship
threatens other individuals, their relationship with God, or the
institution of marriage, but we don’t make waves. We have never been
activists; we’ve never pushed for marriage equality.
But still, in 2006, when the little church in our little community
posted, on their brand-new marquee, an appeal to vote for that amendment
to ban same-sex marriage, we were stung. Many of the church’s members
and leaders were our neighbors, whom we shared food from our gardens
with, visited when sick, lent generators in power failures, invited to
our home.
It was a personal, painful reminder that we were not to be thought of or
treated as equals. Openly being denied marriage equality was starting to
make us uncomfortable. We visited the pastor and implored him to promote
goodness and good will toward all people. The post stayed on the church
marquee through Election Day. The amendment passed by a landslide 81
percent.
Afterward, we went on. Like most people our age, we’ve gone through some
difficult times — breast cancer, death of parents and friends, natural
disasters in our community. But we’ve gotten through it together and
managed to keep our focus on the good stuff: We know that we are dearly
loved by family and by friends of all walks of life who are spread
across this country. We live on a beautiful farm, in a house we built
with our own hands. We’ve been able to earn our living doing the things
we love and that fit our values, operating one of Alabama’s first
commercial organic vegetable farms and working for a nonprofit that
promotes sustainable farming.
We were not looking to get involved in this particular cause, but it has
found us. While marriage may not be needed to make us feel more
fulfilled, alas, we are pragmatists. As we grow older, the
not-so-romantic benefits of marriage are becoming important. A few years
back we learned that Carol had inherited her father’s Huntington’s
disease. Her symptoms have progressed to the point that we now have to
begin thinking more seriously about health care, end-of-life and
financial security issues.
Recently we began to think about how being married would make it easier
when dealing with medical and legal institutions. We began to think
about the survivor benefits opposite-sex married couples have access to.
We began to recognize how legal marriage would make this new era of our
lives easier to navigate.
And so we decided that, once the smoke cleared this summer from what is
likely to be a favorable decision by the United States Supreme Court, we
would wait for the dust to settle here in Alabama, and then sit down
with a few legal and financial experts to see if marriage makes sense
for us. Romantic, eh?
Then late last month, to our surprise, a federal judge struck down
Alabama’s ban on same-sex marriage. But we stayed in wait-and-see mode.
We knew that ruling would not be the final word.
Sure enough, then came our probate judge’s announcement that he would
not obey the federal court ruling. That did it. Other couples simply
went to one of the 15 counties where judges are granting licenses. But
we could not allow this judge in our home county to deny us our rights.
Our decision was made: We will obtain a marriage license in Tuscaloosa,
where we have spent the last 34 years together.
We will probably have to wait, but we expect justice will prevail. We
intend to be in line when the probate judge finally concedes to the
federal order and begins to issue marriage licenses. It may not seem
like a big step, but here, just getting in that line is a political act.
And after that, who knows? We may even get married. But that is our
decision to make, not someone else’s. We feel it is our duty, as good
citizens of Alabama, to stand up now. Suddenly, the Alabama state motto
applies to us: “We Dare Defend Our Rights.”
Jean Mills is a program manager for the Southern Sustainable Agriculture
Working Group, and Carol Eichelberger is an artist and retired farmer.
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