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Hello folks,
So I sent an email to Louis about this, but thought it was worth introducing 
myself. I'm a 20-year-old student from Britain who is currently a member of the 
Grantite IMT led by Alan Woods, and the British section known as Socialist 
Appeal. We have a membership of just over 400 people and at my university 
myself and the comrades run the 'Marxist Society'.
Over the past month and a half I have had a crisis of faith which has led me to 
abandon Trotskyism entirely. It all began as an investigation into the facts of 
the Kronstadt rebellion. It is clear that Trotsky's explanation is complete 
bullshit, and that the rebel sailors were not counter-revolutionaries at all. 
They were murdered in cold blood for defending the genuine ideas of October. 
Our organisation promotes Trotsky's false narrative. Falsehood of any kind 
makes me incredibly angry. Being forced to defend these lies in the name of 
'democratic centralism' makes me even more angry.
But it didn't stop there. I began reading more about the USSR's degeneration 
and am no longer convinced that it was entirely down to 'objective factors'. I 
think we have to concede that the Bolsheviks made some bad decisions which did 
not help matters at all and did pave the way for Stalin. I admire Lenin and 
Trotsky but if we are genuine Marxists we must be honest and objective and 
accept that they made mistakes which made possible the monstrous totalitarian 
nightmare that came after them. This does not mean rejecting Bolshevism 
entirely, but critiquing it and learning from it. Blind idolatry and worship of 
these figures is preposterous. That is not a Marxist or a scientific approach 
to history, yet so-called Marxists will defend their heroes to the death, even 
abusing dialectics to do so. However, if we take a dialectical approach to the 
question of the USSR, we must accept the interplay of subjective and objective 
factors. To praise Lenin and Trotsky for all the good things and blame all the 
bad things on the 'objective' situation is hypocritical formalism. It also 
manages to zig-zag between 'Great Man' history, which is idealist, and crude 
materialism, both of which are equally anti-Marxist.
I also stumbled across Louis' blog around the same time and have been convinced 
by his withering critiques of 'Leninism' and 'democratic centralism', which has 
produced nothing but sects and cults. The IMT is no exception to this. Trapped 
in an echo-chamber, I was a true believer who thought only our organisation 
could lead the working-class to socialism. Little did I know that so many 
groups have tried the exact same thing and failed, not because they didn't have 
the 'correct' leaders but because the whole model is inherently flawed and 
based on Zinovievist methods of organisation.

I went to the trouble of openly expressing my heresy with a couple of leading 
comrades - both the branch secretary who runs the society and the full-timer 
for our region. Both went into panic mode. After a failed attempt by the branch 
secretary to talk me out of my heresy I was dissuaded from raising these issues 
in branch because the new recruits had a 'low political level' (i.e. were 
stupid) and could easily be swayed by my heretical ideas. The full-timer gave 
me a call in which he brought out the whole gamut of 'from a scratch to 
gangrene' nonsense about how I was in danger of losing my soul to liberal 
hellfire unless I returned to the path of true Bolshevism and stopped reading 
the 'wrong' people about what happened in the Russian Revolution. I considered 
this bullshit, but I shouldn't be surprised. After all, he is paid to spout the 
party line and police comrades like some Grand Inquisitor for any sign of 
dissent.
A day after this phone call I had a reading group with the full-timer, the 
branch secretary and another comrade on a book written by Ted Grant and Alan 
Woods called 'Russia: From Revolution to Counter-Revolution'. We covered the 
introduction and first chapter. I pointed out some inaccuracies and problems 
with our narrative about the revolution's degeneration, and easily rebutted 
many of the frankly weak and tired cliches they kept putting forward. I even 
brought up stuff they had no knowledge of. So ignorant were they that they 
hadn't even read that Trotsky set a date for the German revolution in 1923, or 
that he made a 'rotten compromise' with Stalin around the time of Lenin's 
illness and death. The next day I had the full-timer message me on Facebook 
accusing me of 'lowering the political level' (i.e. not bowing down to the 
all-knowing full-timer trying to impose the correct 'line') and other nonsense. 
Pointing out factual inaccuracies in a book written by the organisation's 
founders, it turns out, is even more heretical than criticising Trotsky.
I have since been told to write up a document of my disagreements to be 
circulated internally as part of a 'democratic debate'. I'm not stupid and know 
it will be a waste of time. My thinking was to go along with it, and if I can 
convince at least a few people that our entire narrative is bullshit, it's 
worthwhile, but now I don't know. Maybe I should just resign and give up on 
this cult. Nevertheless, my eyes have been opened. The organisation really is 
toxic. Our internal life is nothing like that of the Bolsheviks pre-1917. We do 
not encourage dissent, debate, disagreement. We encourage conformity with the 
'line' and unthinking obedience. Alan Woods and co are making all the errors 
they rightly accused the Taaffeites of making. We are building a cult of 
Trotsky and Ted Grant. It is sickening, really. It is, quite frankly, 
Stalinism. Why the hell does my disagreement on the issue of the USSR and the 
Comintern have to be a pretext for me being hounded out as a heretic? Why do we 
have to parrot the same line on what happened 100 years ago? What healthy 
organisation imposes such an intellectual straitjacket on its members? The 
Labour Party does not insist that all its members defend a 'line' on whether 
Tony Blair was a good PM or not. It is insanity. And yet this is our 
organisation, complete with its 'centre', its self-selecting CC voted in by 
slate, its know-it-all full-timers, its 'correct' line on everything. It is 
soft totalitarianism. Imagine if these people ever enjoyed state power.
I am quite honestly heartbroken. I have no social circle outside the 
organisation. I have met so many people I consider good friends over the past 
two years. I still have great respect for Alan Woods as a theoretician. I face 
leaving them all behind. I have spent so much time, money and energy helping 
build the organisation. Even now, I feel some loyalty to it. My Facebook feed 
is an echo-chamber of comrades from across the world. I am tempted to post my 
statement of resignation, but I am partly terrified at the response I will get. 
I am fairly well-known in the organisation, both by comrades in Britain and 
foreign comrades I happen to be Facebook friends with and see my posts on a 
regular basis. I have contemplated deleting my social media entirely so as to 
relieve myself of this stress. In any case, principles are more important than 
friendship. 
I am so disoriented and devastated right now, but also relieved that I am on 
the verge of freeing myself from mental servitude. At least it's only been two 
years.
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