http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/17045/the-breakup-test-5-questions-to-ask-before-giving-em-the-boot
The Breakup Test: 5 Questions to Ask Before Giving 'Em the Boot
By Elina Furman
Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Jun 5, 2008
Is it better to be the breaker-upper or the dumpee? With so much attention
being paid to those poor people dumped every year, no one ever takes time to
think about what it's like to be the dumper. Hardly an enviable position, the
decision to break up with someone can breed feelings of guilt, paralysis and
depression.
To alleviate some of this anxiety, here's a list of 5 questions to ask
yourself before you give someone the boot.
Question 1: Has There Been a Major Change in My Life?
Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger
problems in a relationship. If you're stressed out about something, be it a job
or family problem, it's all too tempting to generalize these feelings to
include your partner. It's very easy to think that if you got out of this
relationship you would feel better. In reality, you need to deal with the
problem rather than blame it on your partner.
Question 2: What's My Happiness Ratio?
Being blissfully in love with your partner 24/7 is a wonderful concept in
theory, but as we all know, real-world relationships rarely live up to these
expectations. Many people assume that they have to be 100 percent satisfied
with their partners in order to stick with them, but good luck ever finding
this perfect scenario
A better strategy would be to adopt the 80 percent rule. Ask yourself:
Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more? If the answer is
yes, then you're working with pretty good odds. If the answer is no, you may
want to consider moving on.
Question 3: Is He/She Abusive? Abusive behavior comes in many forms. There's
physical abuse where someone hits, slaps or shoves you. A verbally abusive
partner degrades you with harsh words and insults. And the most difficult to
identify and pinpoint: psychological abuse. This form of abuse can involve
overly controlling behavior, emotional blackmail, and episodes of extreme
jealousy. If your partner engages in any of the above behavior, don't just walk
-- run from the relationship.
Question 4: Have I Expressed My Frustration? Many of us think that if our
partner was right for us, he/she would be able to understand our needs
intuitively without us ever having to communicate. While it would be great if
our partners could just read our minds, the truth is that few of us are
telepathic.
Good communication is required in every relationship.
So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your
doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.
Question 5: Am I Willing to Work at It? Whatever your gripes or complaints,
there's one factor that can make or break your union: your mutual desire to
work on the relationship. If you're not both committed to improving your
quality of life together, there's very little hope for the future.
And remember, actions speak louder than words. If both of you make a
concerted effort to work on the relationship and make the necessary changes
that are required, there's really no reason to call it quits.
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24081/dating-101-why-guys-dump-girls-they-dig
Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig
Nothing is more upsetting than when a dude you know is into you pulls the
plug. One man gets to the bottom of out-of-the-blue breakups.
By Cosmopolitan Photo: Anna Palma Updated: Sep 25, 2008
The Timing Is Off
Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What
just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined
for a fabulous future -- at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he
bailed on the relationship. So what went wrong? The sad dating truth is, maybe
nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb.
Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.Single women get serious when they
meet the right man. Single men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating
when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of
our life is in order -- whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling
down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright -- or when our friends start
dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).
More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:
How to Snag a Rich Guy
Decode His Body Language
But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then
he's liable to bolt -- like Patrick, 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years,
then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was
with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with
nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future
together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up
with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to
commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a
settling-down frame of mind."
We're Not Finished Playing the Field Single men are natural-born one-uppers.
If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better
(that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always
wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.)
"Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to
date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass
is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want
to feel like he's missing out."
In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put
as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I
know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required,"
says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never
commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's
definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just
because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of
the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too
many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is
real.
We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario From the times you chastise us for
leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge
ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder
labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file
whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship.
Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men
are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about
you now,
we panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and night. So we
secretly flag certain things that might be a harbinger of bad things to come.
"I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do
is complain about how the romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious
with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is gorgeous, I freak
out and bail."
We're in Like, Not in Love It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the
most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a
guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when
it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one
woman for two years because we had fun together and she never pushed the issue,
but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.
So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately
end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a
good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are
into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but
as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It
was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I
stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After
all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."
We're Too into You Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a
hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation:
We're scared of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a
situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive
strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two
years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious
with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was
starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he
recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"
Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid
you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same
thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us
get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like
wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser,
which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real
humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems
like a good option.
Are You About to Be Jilted?
His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he
doesn't want you to know about... or he just doesn't want to make himself
available.
He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to
anything -- even if it's in the semi-near future -- he's thinking about making
a break for it.
He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men
intentionally turn into whiners to make sure you break up with them.
He's distant. He doesn't want to feel connected to you -- or he's getting
his needs filled somewhere else.
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/86944/dating-101-how-to-handle-rejection
Dating 101: How to Handle Rejection
Five essential dating tips to stay confident after getting denied
By Dating coach David Wygant Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Sep 15, 2008
So there you are at the deli getting a ham sandwich, when that person you're
attracted to comes and stands next to you at the counter. You've seen them over
and over again, and you finally have the guts to turn and smile at them... and
they do nothing in return. They almost look right through you like you don't
exist.
So you grab your ham sandwich and run out of there as quickly as you can,
saying to yourself, "I will never do that again. This doesn't work." Is this
the best way to deal with rejection? How do you personally deal with rejection?
More importantly, are you someone who believes that if you become "good" at
dating you will no longer get rejected?
The dating truth is that being able to deal with rejection is the key to
being successful at going out and meeting singles. It's also not the
ultra-significant event so many make it out to be. So here are five essential
tips on how to handle rejection, which you need to embrace if you are going to
have a full and successful dating life:
1. Change Your Dating Expectations. One of the first and most important
things to understand is that no matter what you do, not everybody is going to
respond positively to you. Not everyone you smile at will smile back at you.
Not everyone you say hello to is going to say hello back to you.
Stop expecting a positive response 100% of the time. Just because somebody did
not smile back at you does not mean that you're not an attractive person or
that you made a mistake by smiling. The only thing it means is that it did not
work with that one person.
2. Life Is All About Rejection. Everything in life has rejection involved in
it. If you're a salesperson who makes 10 sales calls, you may only get one or
two people to say yes. A baseball player whose batting average is around 300
will likely end up in the Hall of Fame. A quarterback who can complete 55
percent of his passes is doing pretty well. Everything in life is about
percentages. You don't quit simply because you experienced some rejection.
Imagine if you stopped looking for work when your very first interview didn't
result in a job offer. That would, of course, be ridiculous. Remember that you
also need to keep going in your dating life when you're rejected, because you
want to keep increasing your odds of success.
3. Focus on Increasing Your Dating Odds. When you feel like you are getting
more than your fair share of rejections, instead of focusing on those
rejections, focus on increasing your odds of success. The fact is that by
playing the percentages as I mentioned above, you will be successful.
The reason is that every time you take action -- every time you smile, say
hello, or walk over and initiate a conversation -- you get better at it. If
you're going to go out there and only talk to one person a day, then your
chances of success are not going to be great. Increase your odds every single
day and in everything you're doing.
4. Keep Things in Perspective. I hear some version of this from clients all
the time: "What if I approach somebody, get rejected, and someone sees me? I'll
never be able to go in that store again!" Get a little perspective here. Let me
tell you something -- you're not front page news! When you're rejected, you
need to just get over it. No one is talking about you. People are concerned
about themselves and what is going on in their own lives, just as you are
focused on what's going on in yours. So the fact that you get rejected in front
of other people at the market, at the gym, or anywhere else is not a big deal
to anyone but you.
5. Don't Overreact When Dating. The other thing I commonly hear from clients
who have been rejected is some version of this: "I'm never going to talk to
that person ever again now that I was rejected by them." This is not only a
total overreaction, it is also absolutely the wrong thing to do. So you tried
to talk to (or smile or look at) someone, and they didn't respond. As I
mentioned above, there are a million possible reasons why that person did not
respond to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that person wouldn't want to talk
to you another time. If I smile at a woman and she doesn't respond, I don't
play hide-and-go-seek the next time I see her. I am equally friendly to her the
next time I see her, because you never know what will happen that second time.
It's a different day. Put the last time behind you.
These are some ways to help you get over rejection. Realize that in order to
get good at interacting with potential mates, you are going to get rejected. In
fact, you want to get rejected every single day, because if you're not, it
means you're not trying.
So ask yourself this: Did you get rejected today, and how can you go out
tomorrow and make it an even better day than today? Learn to not only handle
but to embrace rejection, and you will meet great new people and have an
amazing social life.
