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Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a show and tell assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David. The second student got up in front of the class and said, My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary. The third student got in up front of the class and said, My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran , and this is a casserole. One Sunday morning A mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, I'm not going. Why not? she asked. I'll give you two good reasons, he said. (1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them. His mother replied, I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) You're the pastor! The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. This baked ham is really delicious, the priest teased the rabbi. You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it? The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, At your wedding. The Usher An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, Where would you like to sit? he asked politely. The front row please, she answered. You really don't want to do that, the usher said The pastor is really boring. Do you happen to know who I am? the woman inquired. No. he said. I'm the pastor's mother, she replied indignantly. Do you know who I am? he asked. No. she said. Good, he answered. The Best Way To Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray, the priest said. No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven. You're both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor. The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted. The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole. The Twenty and the One A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. I've had a pretty good life, the twenty proclaimed. Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean Wow! said the one-dollar bill. You've really had an exciting life! So tell me, says the twenty, where have you been throughout your lifetime? The one dollar bill replies, Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .. The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, What's a church? Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. Goat, the little boy replied. Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, Are you sure about that? Yep, said the youngster. I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner. Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth
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Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen- agers. Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the main- tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.) IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though. *-- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---* I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her. I need a dress for my class reunion, the woman answered. I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger. From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, Make that two. Remember, God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. And He will always be there to love and guide you on to great things!Your Servant In Christ, Sister Gwen http://www.evliving.com/phoenix-arizona/ http://www.worldfamousrecipes.org/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/free-recipes/
[ funny jokes ] funnies for you
Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mash potatoes. What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted. When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow too pasture. Why did the farmer call his pig Ink? Because it was always running out of the pen. What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock! Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He has got no beef. Messages in this topic (1)
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Say the word slowly and Take your time. 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds. 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do. 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage. 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.. 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate. 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living. 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist. 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does. 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money. 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots. 12. PARADOX: Two physicians. 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower . 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm. 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with. 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring. 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife. 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does. 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
[ funny jokes ] funnies for you.
LACKING ALL RELIGION A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man? Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, Naw, these are soybeans. You don't understand, said the preacher. Are you a Christian? With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here. The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, Are you lost? Naw! I've lived here all my life, answered the farmer. Are you prepared for the resurrection? the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, When's it gonna be? Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day. Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days. Tithing Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both men survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man screaming 'We are going to die!' The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, 'No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week.' The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. 'Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!' The other man, unruffled, again shook his head no and responded. 'No, I make over $250,000 a week.' Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, 'For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is no one else on this island. There is NO Food. There is NO Water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death.' Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, 'Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week.and I tithe. MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!' Hot Sermon I had just finished preaching a sermon, and people were lining up to receive Communion. As people moved through the line, I noticed them gazing back at me with tears in their eyes. Was my sermon that moving? I wondered. Had I connected with the congregation at some deep level? But as the number of tear-stained faces increased, I began to feel uneasy. After the service, I discovered that the person who had set up for Communion had taken the wrong loaf from the freezer. I had served jalapeno-pepper bread. Have a Blessed Day
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Locked Out One afternoon my wife April rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for me to come home. She saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. You locked yourself out? he asked. Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.. So what's the problem? I took the plants in for the winter. Funny School Excuses These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country. 1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her. 4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor. 5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral. 6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating. 7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part. 8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins. 9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault. 10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels. Points To Ponder 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards - NAIVE! 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!) 3. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.does that mean that one enjoys it? 4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pi anist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 8. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 9. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 10 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 11. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 13. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam. 14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? 15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to t hem? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 16. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 19. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 20. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 21. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS' Have a Blessed Weekend