LI Friday's Jokes
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked. Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive. A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly. --- actual quotes from customers' calls... "How's that again?" * My DOS system got corroded. * I have about 20,000 megabytes on my hard drive. * OK, I have a C: backsplash. * Do I hit "F" and "8" at the same time? * I have 384,000 free contentious memory * I have a cursing flasher. * Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes? "No, I only have 3 of them." * I have Microword Soft. * Do you want a forward backslash? * You want me to "REAM" out SETVER?! * I was flooding the help file. * My BOOTLEG file didn't say anything. * I just put on DOS/Windows 6.0 and my memory crashed the system. * Press any key. "I can't find it!!" * This DOS program says I have insignificant memory. * How do I use my High Megabit memory? * It says one copy filed. * Where do I get the 6.2 step on disk? * I'm having problems with Prodigy now, cause I bought a modem. * I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file. * I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy. * Can you hang on while I take out my earring? * I lost my blue Cyanide color in DOSSHELL. * When I type Empty Space TEMP it says bad command. * I have a scummy card in my system. * One moment while I PARK you (Please Hold). * I have a terminant swap file. * I have a terminal swap file. * I have a termanent swap file. * Why can't I call more than one BBS with one modem at a time? this IS a MULTITASKING system, isn't it?? * I have a "teer" to "teer" network. * I've been using Windows for well over 10 years now. * I'm in 386 enchanted mode. * Memory? Is that the RAM stuff? * Why is my permanent swap file taking up 91K?! (9,186,532 bytes) * Type SHELL=FROGMAN.EXE? * What kind of system do you have? "HP!" * My modem can't see my Windows! * I have "SET TEMPERATURE=C:\DOS" --- GOOFS IN TITANIC (1997) Continuity *Jack won his ticket by beating 2 pair with a full house. However, when we first see Jack's hand, he has nothing that could be made into a full house, and only draws one card. Revealing mistakes *A strip of desert is visible between the dock and the Titanic when docked at Southampton. Anachronisms *Jack claims to have gone ice fishing on Lake Wissota, which wasn't created until five years after the Titanic sank. *Jacks claims to have visited the Santa Monica Pier, which did not begin construction until 1916. *The pipe frames supporting the third class berths have set-screw speed rail fittings, not developed until 1946. Continuity *In the scene where Jack is teaching Rose to spit, there is no spit on his chin as he starts to turn around to face the ladies, but by the time he has completed his turn he has some on his chin. *The main characters have lunch in the Palm Court/Verandah on A Deck. These were not used for dining, although passengers could order tea or a small snack. *Cal orders lamb with mint sauce for himself and Rose. Lamb was only available for dinner on the ship, while mutton was reserved for lunch. The lamb was prepared in the D-Deck galley and would not have been served in the Palm Court. Revealing mistakes *While Jack and Rose are walking on the promenade the day after he rescues her, a small hill with a
LI Friday's Jokes
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: "Squawks" are problem listings that military pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker. From the "Squawk Sheets": Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Solution: "IT DOES NOW" Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit" Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "Number three engine missing" Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud" Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." - Three girl friends were flying together on a vacation. A jewish girl, an italian girl, and an afro american. The plane encountered mechanical difficulties and had to crash land in a very dense swamp area. As fate would have it , they wound up together laying in a heap but otherwise unhurt. After getting over the initial shock of the event they tried to figure out what to do to facilitate their rescue. The three friends thought for a while, then the jewish lady rolled up the sleeves of her dress , revealing an extensive collection of gold bracelets . When they see these shining in the sun, i'll be spotted and rescued first. Oh yea said the italian girl as she took of her blouse and bra, revealing a pair of 40 DD hooters when the rescue team see's these, i'll get all the attention. A dramatic pause ensued, then the afro american proceeded to remove her skirt and panties. What did you do that for the other two askked? Don't you all know she said, when theres a crash like this the first thing they look for is the "Black Box" - Sherry or Port ... A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. On the other hand, Port makes me fart." -- Airplanes That Run On Operating Systems, Not Jet Fuel Here's some descriptions of airplanes run by various operating systems: DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up. OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash. Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff. Then: BOOM! You blow up without any warning whatsoever. NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with
