LI Jokes for Tuesday
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes:
This is the "Official Moron Test."
It's based upon typical graduation requirements at
"The University of Hard Knocks"
It separates the dumb people from the really dumb people.
Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and
check your answers. DON'T CHEAT!!! When you are done,
count the number correct and see how you compare to others.
OK, here we go..
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples
are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many
sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
NO CHEATING
So how do you think you did? Here are the answers
1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow!
6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.
8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00,
the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00,
the pills have run out and only an hour has passed.
9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark?
11. Meat...that is self-explanatory.
12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen?
TWELVE...it's a dozen!
13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.
-
"You Know You're Out Of College When... "
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Big Mac with Cheese no longer counts as a
well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator
at work.
11. You're not carded anymore. (Ouch! - LadyHawke)
12. You carry an umbrella. (Never! I'm not made of sugar,
and, hence, I'm not sweet. I won't melt! - LadyHawke)
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to
your salary, which is a little less than your allowance
used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid
and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce
instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your
wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots and smoking gives
you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex
in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer,
bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about
grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
First time on a Boeing
A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never
been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in
excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING!
BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO'.
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts
'BE SILENT!'.
There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a
moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!
OE...'.
-
THE WHOLE TRUTH, and nothing but...
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you
LI Jokes for Tuesday
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: Friends Dont Let Friends Drive Yugos Yu*go (yoo-go) n. 1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile. 2) 4x4 hood ornament. adj. 1) What doesn't happen when you press the accelerator. Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.) A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat. A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke encourages automobile use. What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris? - A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds. - A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds. Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge... Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo? A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap. 2) Push off cliff. 3) and drive brand new one underneath radiator cap.(30-mile/3-day warranty included!) A man entered an auto parts store... Man: "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo." Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade." I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. ...It was in the front. Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster? A. To keep your hands warm as you push it. "The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night... The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting." Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual? A. The bus schedule. From the Yugo owner's manual: "If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly 1) place head between legs, 2) lock hands behind head, 3) Repeat: "Our Father, who art in heaven..." Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.* Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep." Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill? A. A miracle! - As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off booksand supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely . "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said. --- A question had appeared in an examination which read, "Give four uses of breast milk?" A student began to answer the question. 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal them. 3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing 4. Available in attractive containers. "An IRS Audit" A man, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." ~ "The Strongest Man" The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, bodybuilders, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said
LI Jokes for Tuesday
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?" The first one replied, " I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test. - The Top 16 Books Purchased by Monica Lewinsky 16 The Tapes of Wrath 15 Horton Hatches A Scandal 14 Midnight in the Rose Garden of Good and Evil 13 Lowered of the Fly 12 How to Give Ahead in Business Without Really Trying 11 Bill Clinton's Private Parts 10 Men are from Mars, Kneepads are from Reebok 9 I'm OK, You're Subpoenaed 8 The Art of the Kneel 7 Linda Tripp is a Big Fat Idiot 6 All I Really Needed to Know I Learned From Vacuum Cleaners 5 Getting To Oh, God, Yes! 4 Releasing the Giant Within 3 Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Underside of the Desk in the Oval Office But Were Afraid to Ask 2 Profiles in Cleavage and the Number 1 Book Purchased by Monica Lewinsky... 1 Great Expectorations --- -= Top Ten Other Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World =- 10. Everyone assumes that all of Tipper Gore's kids are Al's. 9. According to the latest letter from Ed McMahon, he may be the winner of ten million dollars! 8. New Air Force One will be equipped with a Mexican love hammock. 7. Can eat as much as wants and not gain...well, he can eat as much as he wants. 6. He's got a patient, understanding wife, and Hillary's never found out about her. 5. Nobody knows he killed Jacques Cousteau. 4. As president, receives copies of the "Garfield" comic strip several days in advance. 3. Portrayed in movie by John Travolta, not George "Goober" Lindsey. 2. The American people haven't drop-kicked his fat butt back to Arkansas. 1. Starting next week -- a fresh crop of interns. -- An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice. -- Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust. 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. -- Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans! --- An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he
Re: LI Jokes for Tuesday/not
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: Hi Dr. L.: Here it is. :) How Many Liars? - One. Since the finned Martian did indicate that he was a truth-teller, then the Martian with feathered ears was obviously telling the truth and must be a truth teller. If the finned Martian was lying, then the horned Martian was a truth-teller. If the finned Martian was a truth-teller, then the horned Martian was a liar. So, no matter how you look at it, two of the three Martians were truth-tellers and one was a liar. Sue - I admit it, I am sneaking in here to ask: did you ever post the answer to the puzzle about 3 groups: liars, truthtellers, and some who waffled... not in any particular order here of course. :) LDMF -- Two rules in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. 2. Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
LI Jokes for Tuesday
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: 1) Titanic Summarized -- Scene 1 - KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it? KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing. KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat. LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty. KATE: Thank you. So are you. LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet. KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying. WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water. AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!) Scene 2 - LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance. KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me. AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo! LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes. KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing? LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out. NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened. KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.) Scene 3 - FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg. CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.) ICEBERG: (Hits boat.) FIRST MATE: That can't be good. CAPTAIN: Bottoms up! AUDIENCE: (Silence.) FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools. AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo? Scene 4 - LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking. KATE: That is terrible. LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior? KATE: Certainly. WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously. LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me? WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway... AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo! LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed. WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people. Scene 5 - 150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here! (Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.) -- "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you
