Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
JUDGE JUDY FOR INDEPENDENT COUNSEL OF ZIPPERGATE !!!
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Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile
house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over
the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can’t get them
back in their cages. Finally he says, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
“A lawyer? Why??”
“We need someone who speaks their langauge!”
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The Top 16 Ways to Celebrate Spring Internationally
16> RUSSIA: Get off the mile-long line for firewood; get in the
mile-long line for umbrellas.
15> HOLLAND: Annual Easter Clog Toss ("Watch out, Hans!")
14> VATICAN CITY: The Pope presides over the ceremonial casting
out the first sinner.
13> ISRAEL: Throw cute little stuffed animals filled with rocks
at the Palestinians.
12> LIECHTENSTEIN: Send annual "we're still a country" notification
to the U.N.
11> CHERNOBYL: Night Parade Of the Glow-In-The-Dark Chickens
10> JAKARTA: Child-Labor Factory #4 switches from making Kathie Lee
scarves to Nike running shoes.
9> TEHRAN: Can now attend "Death to America" rally in shorts.
8> BAGHDAD: Before inspectors begin their hunt, replace anthrax
eggs with slightly less nauseating Cadbury eggs.
7> PRAGUE: Tank tops (with real tanks).
6> TOKYO: Godzilla turns his fancy from a path of destruction to
thoughts of love.
5> FRANCE: French Army stocks up on white flags at annual White
Sale.
4> ENGLAND: Leichester Larry comes out of his flat and smiles.
If any teeth are straight, 6 more weeks of rain -- otherwise,
5.5 more weeks of rain.
3> IRELAND: Swimsuit issue of "Soccer Hooligan Illustrated" hits
newsstands.
2> BOSNIA: Annual switch to "Daylight Bombing Time" requires
setting your quality of life back another decade.
and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Spring Internationally...
1> GERMANY: Order the flowers to bloom.
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The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again,
but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt?
That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. Why don't you go to the mall with me
and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
4. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
3. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
2. We never talk anymore.
1. Yes, Dogbyte: You may date my daughter!
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean "today's our anniversary"?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical?
I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions,
I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale,
300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
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TOP ELEVEN DOG AND CAT CHARACTERISTICS
======================================
11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to
you.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on
your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will
quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats
might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a
three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their
own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work.
Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and
walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will
yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay
for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
---------------
Top 10 Benefits From a White House Internship:
10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great
8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan ``Rock the Vote''
7. Observe the President's commitment to young
people first
hand
6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law
5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his
`subpoena'
4. President tells you he really wants you on his
staff
3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair
2. Have president introduce you to his `special
investigator'
1. Find out what a politician means when he says
he's been
polling his constituents
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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