-Caveat Lector-
From
http://www.thetexasmercury.com/articles/satire/UP20011223.html
}}}>Begin
Rudolph the Red Cell Terrorist:
Mysterious White-Bearded "Bomber"
Downed by US Air Force Over the Dakotas
UPYRS Wire
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO— Air Force officials working out of the Cheyenne
Mountain facility confirmed today that American F-15E fighters
engaged and shot down a suspected terrorist aircraft. Powered by
eight reindeer, the sled-like contraption entered American airspace
via Canada, and refused to flash its IFF code, a radio signal that
identifies aircraft to ground controllers. "It was a tough call," Air
Force Colonel and F-15 pilot John Maser said while describing what
happened. "There we were: an unidentified flying object had entered
our defense zone, and upon closer inspection, the craft’s pilot
turned out to be a bearded man of foreign origin. We couldn’t be sure
of his intent, so we initially withheld fire. But, once he began what
looked like suicidal dive for a house’s chimney, we felt we had no
other choice but to bring him down." The pilot of the mysterious
craft survived and was quickly arrested by local officials in North
Dakota, but he then escaped and is now at large. "I thought our
security was airtight," explained Sioux County Sheriff John Jacob
Jinglehammer. "We took extra precautions with this particular
prisoner because he was a real troublemaker. Kept threatening us with
coal. He really pissed off my secretary when he referred to her, not
once, not twice, but three times as ‘ho.’" "We’re still trying to
figure out how he got out," the Sheriff continued. "From what my
officers told me, he put a finger on his nose, wriggled it and in a
twinkling he was gone, right up the heating vent, just like that."
The FBI has begun a massive manhunt in the region around Fargo, North
Dakota. The fugitive, federal officials report, is a short, fat
Caucasian man with a long white beard. He can be easily spotted, they
say, because he’s dressed all in red. They also say that he answers
to the name ‘Kris’, but they’re not sure if that is his real name or
just an alias. In this effort, the FBI has also turned to some
outside help. The ADL, the ACLU and the People for the American Way
have all sent experts to assist in the capture of the white-bearded
fugitive. Said Abe Foxman, chairman of the ADL, "We have a unique
talent for hunting down figures just like the suspect, especially
around this time of year, and seeing to it that they’re put away,
well out of the public’s eye. This guy’s no different. If he’s out
there, we’ll find him and bring’em down." Foxman later addressed his
troops, telling th
em, "Your fugitive’s name is Kris Kringle. What I want out of each and every one of
you is a hard target search of every classroom, office building, public park,
schoolhouse, courthouse, outhouse and doghouse in this area
." Other groups, however, are not being so cooperative. People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals (PETA) filed a protest with the Defense Department. A PETA
spokesperson claimed the organization was deeply offended by t
he Air Force’s destruction of the sled’s reindeer. Said spokesperson Lola Flufflebeam:
"Obviously, the paramount tragedy in this whole incident are the reindeer. Did they
have to die? Flying reindeer are a rarity. Their d
eaths cannot be undone." Also reported dead are fifteen children who were crushed in
an orphanage by the falling reindeer carcasses. Ms. Flufflebeam declined to officially
comment on this, saying her organization needed t
o investigate the matter more fully before expressing regret. She did say on the side,
though, that it was a pity, because one would think that a child’s body should provide
enough cushion to break a reindeer’s fall. Fina
lly, the PETA representative chided the Air Force for their mistreatment of the
reindeers’ remains: "We are aghast that the Air Force would so disrespectfully give
the carcasses to homeless people in exchange for their ‘s
queegeeing’ aircraft windshields. Have they no shame?" Air Force spokesman Lt. John
Schaeffer later confirmed that, indeed, they have no shame. This is particularly true,
he added, when they are on leave in the Philippine
s. He also issued an apology to the family of Bill Winnamaker, one of the
aforementioned homeless persons who fell asleep in the intake of the F-15 he was
cleaning. Apparently, the start-up was a bit rougher than normal,
but the sterno in Winnamaker’s carcass made for excellent engine performance later.
Defense Department officials are now investigating the possibilities of developing a
new ‘after-bummer’ fighter, and New York City Mayor
Rudolph Guliani promises his city can provide all fuel supplies the Air Force would
need. Schaeffer also allayed earlier concerns about the alleged terrorist being armed
with nuclear material. There were fears that the be
arded figure had a "dirty bomb" because his lead reindeer’s nose was glowing red.
Schaeffer now reports that the glowing effect is not from an excess of plutonium, but
rather rum-laden eggnog. President Bush later issued
a statement about the shoot-down through his spokesman, Ari Fleischer, which read:
"I’ve been informed about the incident, and I hear that the perpetrator was a jolly,
old elf. I urge all Americans in this time of crisis
to unite, and I urge them to fight bigotry. This is not about elves; elves are a good
and peaceful race of mythological creatures. Be tolerant of your pointy-eared
neighbors, even if they don’t exist." Most Americans have
heeded the president’s call, but one hate crime has occurred. A surly mob of neocons
severely pencil-whipped a Mr. Puck outside the offices of the Weekly Standard.
"Morons!" exploded the excitable Mr. Puck. "You would th
ink they could tell by my wings that I’m a fairy, not an elf." Later,
New Republic editor Andrew Sullivan retracted his condemnation of the
Weekly Standard for gay-bashing after he was informed that Mr. Puck
was not that kind of a fairy. Said Sullivan, "Oh, sorry then, Bill
[Kristol]. Give’im a whack for me too, would you?"
DC
UPYRS Wire
End<{{{
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