-Caveat Lector-
TEAM USA vs. YUGO/RUSSIA IN "WRESTLE-MANIA"
===========================================
(CNNS, 04/11/99) -- This news service sees a possible link
between the late-starting basketball season in the U.S. and the
escalating war in Yugoslavia. Sports-starved Americans are being
compensated for their winter sports-withdrawal sufferings with an
added Spring/Summer athletic contest, called "War."
This added Spring/Summer entertainment is being packaged as a
sort of Wrestle-Mania. "The NATO assault has been conducted as
though we're attacking just one individual, not an entire
population... It's the one-man theory of the nation-state. And
its effect is to eliminate both the psychological impact of
nationalism and the guilt produced by civilian causalities since
civilians don't fully exist under this theory," says Barbara
Ehrenreich, author of *Blood Rites: Origins and History of the
Passions of War*. [1] Besides "Hitler Milosevic," another
cartoon character has been added to the Wrestle-Mania scorecard,
"The Dread ARKAN." Another colorful wrestler, for now off-stage,
is "Beer-Belly Boris (Yeltsin)." (Since his name is Boris, an
off-chance is that he can be paired with a lady wrestler named
"Natasha." Maybe "Natasha" can fight it out with "Animal
Albright.")
Ehrenreich's "invisible civilians" are like the fans at a
wrestling match, in the dark mostly, but somehow adding to the
excitement. These invisible civilians, like all good sports
fans, "are all too real and united behind Milosevic like never
before," writes Arianna Huffington. [2] In America, though,
about half of our invisible civilians, according to polls, have
not yet caught the sports fever needed to ensure success for the
planned Spring/Summer entertainment.
Score one for "Hitler Milosevic," who for the moment occupies the
moral high ground due to his body-slam appeal for an Orthodox
Easter cease-fire. Sports commentator Nicholas Gage, author of a
book describing the Greek civil war, is aghast: "How can [Team
USA] not see the opportunity they are missing to show to millions
of Orthodox that their spiritual sensibilities are as honored as
the Islamic ones were during Ramadan?" [3]
Sports commentator Heather Wilson, a New Mexico congress-critter,
also gives a point to "Hitler Milosevic": "Thus far, our
strategy in the Balkans has failed to achieve our political
objectives...(and) it has accelerated the human disaster in the
Balkans," she says. [4] So, based on the judgements of Wilson
and Gage, the score now stands Yugoslavia 2, Team USA 0. This
editor believes, however, that if Bill Clinton were to don a
Superman outfit for his next press briefing, Team USA could score
a point in the ongoing contest.
However, at this point, it looks bad for Team USA. Looming from
off-stage, projecting himself into center ring, "Beer-Belly
Boris" is flexing his muscles, belching loudly, and intimating
his strength. Interviewed at ringside, Boris growled that, "I
told NATO, the Americans and the Germans: do not push us into
military action, or there will definitely be a European, and
possibly a world war." [5] ("NATO" is the mask worn by Team
USA.)
Adding to the growing excitement are comments from Alexander
Solzhenitsyn, winner of the Nobel Prize in literature. Since
fewer and fewer read books these days, Solzhenitsyn may be
pre-positioning himself for a possible job as sports commentator
when he says, "NATO has proclaimed to the whole world: 'Might is
right, those who are strong are always right.' NATO proclaimed
the ancient law that whoever is strongest is right for all the
world to hear. This is the world in which we have to live in
from now on." The bearded author, who denies being part of any
"tag team," went on to protest the "destruction of a beautiful
country in full view of humanity, while civilized governments
applaud this." [6]
Yet there *is* an emerging "tag team" (though it appears indeed
that Solzhenitsyn will more likely serve as sports commentator
than as a member of any "tag team.") "Beer-Belly Boris,"
according to a UPI report, may unite Yugoslavia, Belarus, and
Russia into a unified team. "In what could turn out to be a
stunning development of the Balkan crisis, the speaker of
Russia's State Duma says Russian President Boris Yeltsin is
seriously considering a proposal made by Yugoslav President
Slobodan Milosevic to form a full political union among Russia,
Belarus and the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia." [7]. Such a
development would spell trouble for Team USA, since a
Russia/Belarus/Yugoslavia (RBY) link-up could field many more
wrestlers than now fielded by the lone Yugoslavia.
Of course, the new sport's season is young. But preliminary
indications are that Yugoslavia will be fielding a much stronger
group of wrestlers than Team USA had anticipated. And already,
sales of beer and hot dogs are skyrocketing as U.S. sports fans
look forward to an exciting summer -- though privately it is
admitted that beer/hot dog sales have not increased as much as
had been forecast. As noted, many American sports fans are
showing lackluster interest in the Spring/Summer International
Wrestle-Mania. A massive advertising blitz by USA mass media has
thus far failed to garner widespread enthusiasm for the event.
---------------------------<< Notes >>---------------------------
[1] Barbara Ehrenreich, qtd. in "Easter Cease-Fire: Charade Or
Sacred?" by Arianna Huffington, 4/8/99.
[2] "Easter Cease-Fire: Charade Or Sacred?" by Arianna
Huffington, 4/8/99.
[3] Nicholas Gage, qtd. in "Easter Cease-Fire: Charade Or
Sacred?" by Arianna Huffington, 4/8/99.
[4] "GOP pushes for Kosovo answers." UPI, 4/10/99.
[5] "Yeltsin warns of European, world war." UPI, 4/9/99.
[6] "Solzhenitsyn denounces NATO action." UPI, 4/9/99.
[7] "Report: Yeltsin considering Yugo union." UPI, 4/9/99.
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