Art vs Science
A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same
compartment on a train. They had never met before, so
naturally there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the
window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist
was
America's Independence Day
A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball
games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the
start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday
shortly before Independence Day.
The congregation sang The Star-Spangled
Captain Can't Swim
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College
in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at
the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its
research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain
couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of
A Paradigm
I'm the greatest batter in the world, said the proud boy
as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He
missed.
Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, I'm the
greatest batter ever! He missed again.
He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed
the
Mother's Helper
Little Susan was her mother's helper. She helped set the
table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything
was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then
Mother noticed something was missing.
Susan, she said, you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr.
Smith's
Proud Grandmother
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow
beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two
remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather
interrupted her.
Tell me, how old are your grandsons?
The grandmother gave a grateful smile
Reckon Mom is a Blonde?
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled
through his saved numbers, stopped at Mom and pushed
send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
Don't worry, she said, I'll take care of it.
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was Mom.
Tax Forms, Long vs Short
Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds,
the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time
that taxes are due. Yes, it's that time of year, when you
put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q
from 10C, check the number of boxes
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing
new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's father.
He asked if
1 in 360
During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was
on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through,
we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed
us, Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here.
How did you come up with that? someone asked.
Men Are Good For Only One Thing
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my
mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that
men are not all like this all the time.
Nonsense, I said. Men are good for only one thing!
Yes, my mother interjected, but how often do you
Family Picnic
The service area was located on a main highway leading to
the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired
and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank
up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking
couple and six screaming children pulled
Church Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor
decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a
parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he
wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a
Cajun Smarts
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the
What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to
hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words diet, light, or high
fiber on the label.
3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a
A Pie in the Oven
A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into
the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her
son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and
take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take
to drive to school and back, and how
Vacuum Salesman
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to
the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a
really mean, tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she
has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps
garden soil all over the carpet.
He says, Lady,
Sermon Message
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade
children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity
and importance of this sacrament.
Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in
the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally,
unable to
A Wise School Teacher
A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first
day of school:
If you promise not to believe everything your child says
happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he
says happens at home.
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a
Divorce VS. Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes,and said, 'I would like to buy some
cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my
A Hiking We Will Go.
Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of
Legal Eyesight
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, Did you see my client commit
this burglary?
Yes, said Sam, I plainly saw him take the goods.
The lawyer asked again, Sam, this happened at night. Are
you sure you saw my client commit this crime?
Let's Be Honest
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the
opposing lawyers.
So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with
a bribe.
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. You, attorney Paulson,
gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me
$10,000.
The judge reached
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each
course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The
course covers two days, and topics covered in this course
include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step
Bikers
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three
Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old
man's milk, and
Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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My Blog:
Camels
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed
feet?
The mother replies, Well, son, when we trek across the
desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft
sand.
OK, said the son. A few minutes later the son
Area 51
Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl
approaches the boy and says, Hey Tommy, wanna play house?
He says, Sure! What do you want me to do?
The girl replies, I want you to communicate your thoughts.
Communicate my thoughts? said a bewildered Tommy. I have
no
Car Alarms
I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm
interrupted our conversation.
What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to
them? I wondered aloud.
Some are quite effective, my friend corrected me. Last
summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the
neighbor's
Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical
bills resulting from use of her cookbook
Ivette - Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and
put them in the pie. Then
Bathroom Scales
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
Have you ever seen one of these before? one asked.
Yeah, my mom and dad have one, the other replied.
What's it for? asked the first boy.
I don't know, the second boy answered. I think you
Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from
each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he
told me he had lent it to his son.
Recalling a saying my
grandmother used to repeat, I recited, You should never
lend anything to your kids,
Joggers
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next
city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an
hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place
he chose happened to be on one of the city's major
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that
said women use more words than men.
It read, Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use
30,000.
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all
along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her
Air Conditioning
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a
restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be
turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned
down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an
hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient,
New Shopper
(A true story)
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University.
The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or
grocery-shopping.
I was in
Emotional Extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.
Just to establish some parameters, said the professor to the student from
Arkansas, What is the opposite of joy?
Sadness, said the student.
And the opposite of depression? he
Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to
move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see
her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how
she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints --
this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower,
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your
ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear,
Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks.
I've
The helicopter Ride
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND
EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, 'ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT
HELICOPTER'.
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, 'I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS
50 DOLLARS, AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS'
ONE YEAR, ESTHER
A TALE OF A DISGRACED POLICE LIEUTENANT
A police officer was driving through an old part of town when he saw a former
lieutenant on foot. The officer stopped and asked, Hey, Pat, this isn't your
new beat, is it? Pat said, Unfortunately, it is - ever since I arrested a
judge on the way to a
Faithfulness
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had
taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for
an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return.
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on
Three Workmen:
There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working
for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes
out and says to the Spanish guy, your in charge of the cement.
Then he said to the Russian guy, you're in charge of the
GLADYS DUNN
Gladys Dunn recently moved to a retirement community in a small town. One
beautiful Sunday morning she walked to the church not far from her apartment.
She was in awe of the lovely structure, as well as music from the choir. She
wasn't too impressed, however, with the sermon.
Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren
03/15/07
NAME GAME GIVES PLEASURE TO THOSE WITH EAR FOR IRONY
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the columns you've printed about
people whose names matched their professions, and wonder if
you would be interested in an incident that happened to my
sister. Her name is
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had
just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had
just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen
asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly
scrubbed floors. Just a minute, I said,
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, Mommy, today in
school I was punished for something that I didn't do.
The mother exclaimed, But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your
teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?
The little
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.
Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food
stamps, FREE medical care and free education!
The passer-by says...
GOODNIGHT TO MOM
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks
her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer:
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One
afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in
the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the
horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse
came in
Mom's Answering Machine
Hello- This is your Mother!
If you want my advice: PRESS 1
If you want to argue: PRESS 2
If you want your father to drive you somewhere PRESS 3
If you want to leave a message: WAIT FOR THE TONE
If you want to aggravate me or
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a
cheap housing complex near the military base where he was
working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and
that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when
one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men
were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost
exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking
amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews
who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
To be today's champion, the show's smiling host intoned,
name two of Santa's reindeer.
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that
Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in
my iPod, and she said, I want to hear Back in Black, from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, No, I'm in the mood for something classical.
But I don't want Mozart, she replied.
How about Rachmaninov? I suggested, but she
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the
items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the
drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the
SNOW WHITE SHOULD SWITCH TO DIGITAL!
Snow White received a camera for her birthday. She quickly went through a few
rolls of film taking pictures of the dwarves. The next day, she took the film
to be developed. She waited a few days and then went to pick up the photos. But
she was told that
Funny Jokes - Golf One-Liners
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I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes,
they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just
wasted.
They call it golf because all the other
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient
through a protracted period of dating with no talk of
marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese
restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her,
So, how do you like your rice? Steamed or fried?
Without
Winters were fierce where the estate owner lived, so he felt
he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked,
Didn't you like the muffs?
The foreman said, They're a
Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional holiday feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my
sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.
When my
Count Your Blessings
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love and His wonderful
deeds for men! (Psalm 107:8 NIV)
Two old friends bumped into one another on the street one day. One of them
looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, What has the
world done
A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It
was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.
When the
The Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods. He said
to himself:
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging
Funny Jokes - Technology At The Supermarket
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm
and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
Signs You've Bought A Bad Car
Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
The rearview mirror says, Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of
Junk.
The odometer
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia
.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One
would think that
A group of Wisconsin senior citizens were traveling by tour bus
through Austria. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide
led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that
goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where
many goats were grazing.
These she
Funny Jokes - Blonde gets bank loan
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom
window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, I
hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look
One year, Johnny's family was having an extended family
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).
Just
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of
her fellow church members.
How are you feeling? the visitor asked.
Oh, said the lady, I'm just worried sick!
What are you worried about, dear? her friend asked. You look like you're
in good health. They
Health
careTwo patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint.Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed
the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.The
second
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99."Sounds good," my wife
said. "But I don't want the eggs.""Then I'll have to charge you two
dollars and forty-nine cents,'cause now you're ordering a la carte," the
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts,caps, and
sweatshirts from every local team. One night, wewere getting ready for an
annual fund-raiser for our localtheater organization.My wife called
out to my son, "This is a pretty fancydinner. You'll have to wear a sports
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speedchecking
equipment, drove through a school zone within thelegal speed limit when
suddenly the flash of a camera wentoff, taking a picture of his car and
license plate.The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove
byagain; even
A minister told his congregation,
"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help
you understand my
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to avery upscale
French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,Abraham would go out the back of
his shop and eat his blackbread and herring while smelling the wonderful
odors comingfrom the restaurant's kitchen.One day, Abraham was
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