Title: FW: [Ananda] Lighten Up
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From: "M" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: "Ananda" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: [Ananda] Lighten Up
Date: Thu, Nov 11, 1999, 5:08 AM
DOWNSIZING HANDBOOK FOR EMPLOYEES
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year,
via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the
upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once SCREWED
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to Get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lumpsum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS
(Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are
considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will
no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the
amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT
than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive
enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT
YOU CAN STAND.
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