Dave and Myrddin were helping Todd move furniture in to his new apartment,
but when they struggled with a huge oak wardrobe Dave noticed that Todd
was missing.
"Myrddin, where's Todd?" asked Dave. "He should be helping us with this."
"He is", said Myrddin. "He's inside holding the
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AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet
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CARPERPETUATION (kar pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a
string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, picking it up, examining it, then
putting it
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A lawyer married a woman who had previouslydivorced ten husbands. On their wedding
night, she told her new husband, "Please be a bit gentle; I'm still a virgin.
"What? " said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
And besides, you're a REDHEAD! I can't
You know you are a lousy cook if
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a
fire siren.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes
like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies,
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Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if
A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar
stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the
blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman
;-) TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
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stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the
gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her
husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years
old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is
soft-spoken, and is good to the
TOP-10 SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET
10. It takes 10 minutes to scroll through your bookmarks.
9. You find yourself racking your brain for new search
subjects.
8. Instead of going to the bathroom, you "download."
7. You'll only go on vacation if there's electricity, a phone
line and
Various important philosophical Questions
Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he
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Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 NEW JERSEY
EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside New Jersey. If you have
one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.
The New Jersey edition may be recognized by the unique
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Todays Joke: Sure signs you may be a Redneck.
1: You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
2: Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
3: You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
4: You were shooting pool
A 59-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with
the doctor again, the doc said, You're really doing great,
Now THIS is funny!
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Make good on the promise you made at graduation to keep in
touch. ClassMates.com has over 14 million registered high
school alumni -- chances are you'll
A wife kept her secrets in a hat box under the bed.
Her husband, Abie, respected this privacy, and on not one occasion
did he pryuntil their 30th Wedding Anniversary. In all our years of
marriage, he said with a tone of inquisitiveness, I have never asked to
see what you keep in that box
A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and
sees her. He watches her a while then says, You look ridiculous! What on earth do you
think youre doing?
She says, I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen
year old.
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that
builds during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1-cup skim milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1-cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
The
A middle aged man, who lives in an average house, married to an average wife and holds
an steady income is on his way to his average job when he hears a voice out of nowhere
that says: Sell your house, quit your job, divorce your wife and go to Vegas.
Naturally the man is wondering where
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The Worst Hunting Dog In The Whole World !
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Transportation project
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a
project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were
installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an
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A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he
replies, I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers: My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
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Dirty Things You Can Say On Thanksgiving Get Away With
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for
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Topic: 50 Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Class
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying,
Quite right, old bean!
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead
projector.
3.
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Hey wondering what's on Taliban TV this evening...here are the listings!!
MONDAYS:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
8:30 - Mad About Everything
9:00 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 - The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror and Fortune
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Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub
regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer
from a girl. There is a date rape drug going around called beer and
it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female
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In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists Stanley and
Lech Binladenski have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp. So far, they have bounced
off of 5 buildings
.
TREAT THE FAMILY TO DIRECTV ®
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Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Create your own tax cut! There are lots of hidden benefits
in the new tax
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MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute,
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TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE F WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10th - Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass! - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - How the @#$% did you work that out? - Pythagorus, 126BC
8th - You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - Where did
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The Perfect Husband
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club
after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following
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*** Isn't this the truth ?
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
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I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
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LOTTERY WINNER
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, Honey, pack
your bags I won the damn lottery!
The husband says, Oh my God! For real? What should I pack, beach stuff
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A while back I wrote an IT newsletter called theMezzenger, but it consumed too much
time and I took a few months off.
Thanks to the coolness of PERL scripts on my own site (which will do 80% of the work)
, the generous guys at freelists.org (which handles the
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, How long before I
can get a haircut? The barber looks around the shop and says, About 2
hours. The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, How
long before I can get
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Someone sent these to me, pretty funny stuff..
Kid`s Prayers
==
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord`s Prayer. For
several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally,
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Last URL was http://theMezz.com/mojo
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There was a man who had worked all of his life and had
saved all of his money and was a real miser when it
came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he
died, he
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If you answered 'yes' to these questions, and are 21 or
older, Click here to enter the $2,000 Sweepstakes! Offer
subject to Official Rules.
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The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go
to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He
keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
Your
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A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, Am
I the first man you ever made love to? She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying. You might be, she says.
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http://www.knology.net/~carlos/redneck.htm
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This is not humor related - but I could not resist sending it to you all.
The following words were spoken by the late Red Skelton on his television program as
he related the story of his teacher, Mr. Laswell, who felt his students had come to
think of the
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An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about
2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas state line. When the Deputy
asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was
a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
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Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a
wonderful
time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, Dad, look at this, and
stuck out
two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were
carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband
arrived home unexpectedly.
Quick, said the woman to her lover, into the closet!
She bundled him in
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Why English is Difficult to Learn...
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the
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She Was Soo Blonde...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says sign
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A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankee fan were
all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of the sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The
mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia,
so for the
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep beer peanuts
coming.
* Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're
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A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal
Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were
liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but
wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded
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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle
cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, Come on buddy, how about
giving a guy a break? He ignored me and continued
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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
The husband gets up in a rage and says, And you are no good in bed either,
and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her
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A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended
that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed,
she said to the doctor, Please tell my husband.
The
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A lady I know bought a new Lexus. Cost her a lot of money. Two days after
buying it, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
Madam, let me explain said the sales manager, the audio system in
this car is completely automatic. All you
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons
of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be
a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,
so he knocked on the door to clarify
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SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA (August. 28)
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi
announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have
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