My Journey to Islam - Jennifer Fayed There comes a
time in peoples lives that you are compelled to think, why am I here what is
my purpose in this life. These were my thoughts during summer of 2001. I had
been married to my first husband for about 3 years. The marriage was going
downhill. There was no ambition in my former husband, and with two children
barely old enough to take care of themselves finding out I was pregnant; I
started to ponder my purpose in this earth.
Yes, I was a wife a mother a daughter; however, the same thought came passing
through my mind there has to be a reason for my existence. My family had
recently moved to the Dominican Republic I felt abandoned. Abandoned you might
ask, shes married with children how can she feel abandoned? I was 21 years old
and my parents were the base of who I was who I strived to be. They were my
example.
I was sleeping, when I got a frantic call from my former mother-in-law
screaming there was a plane crash a plane crash in downtown Manhattan
confused I said what, what are you talking about! I turned on the television
only to find out that the second tower of the world trade center was being hit
by the second aircraft. I was shocked! Who couldve done this, who was capable
of such atrocity? I was in disbelief on what I saw on the news. Was this real I
kept thinking to myself, it was must be a movie please, please tell me this was
a movie. I had just been in the world trade center the day before. I saw this
as some proof that it wasnt my time to die and I hadnt completed my purpose
in this life. I didnt know what purpose, but it wasnt my time. There was
chaos in New York City that day; little did I know this day among other events
in my life would only be the beginning of drastic changes that were about to
happen.
Soon after the attacks of September 11th I went to Dominican Republic to
visit my parents. I was about a month pregnant and no soul other than my
mother-in-law, my former husband and I knew about the pregnancy. How was I
going to break the news to my parents I mean I got pregnant with my first child
out of wedlock and soon married as to make things right. So here I was pregnant
with my third baby and I thought well at least I can think things through while
being in the Caribbean. I left on American Airlines flight 587. This was the
first time I was in an airplane so soon after the attacks of the world trade
center. The security in the airport was intense, and people in the airplane
kept praying some even during the whole flight. I started to laugh within
myself. If were going to die well then its our fate. I kept thinking about my
pregnancy. I didnt want this pregnancy it was unplanned and a third mouth to
feed I could barely support two children let alone three. I was
so confused. I spent time with my family trying to tell them about the baby. I
couldnt bear to tell them that there first born daughter was yet again going
to bring another major disappointment to them; therefore, I decided well Ill
terminate the pregnancy and no one has to even know Im pregnant. Easy
solution, I thought to myself but at the same time I came from a strong
Christian family and to even fathom having an abortion was a sin and taboo.
After my quick trip to the Caribbean I went back to New York and finally called
Planned Parenthood to set-up the appointment to terminate the pregnancy. I
asked them if I could take the abortion pill and I was devastated to find out
that I would have to go through a full abortion because my window for the
abortion pill was one week past the time to end the pregnancy with a pill. I
was so depressed; I thought to myself oh my God their going to rip this baby
out of my womb. What am I doing?
I really didnt know if I could go through with it; as a result, I decided to
pray to God not using the rosary or going to church but for the first time I
was going to pray directly to him like a friend, someone who I felt had to help
me it was my last resort. I cried while I continuously supplicated, oh God
please I dont know what to do I want this baby, but my marriage is on the
rocks and we dont have money to bring another baby into the world. I will put
my full trust in you my Lord, please if its your will for me to have this baby
then I will accept that and if its your will to end the pregnancy I will
accept that too. I emptied my sorrows unto a God, a God that I worshipped my
own way not the way I was taught to do. A God; one that to me had no partners
and no son but just a being that I knew created me. I was at my wits end
thinking about the pregnancy and just went through my usual daily routine. A
few days past, I was watching television when a program was
interrupted by a special report. I said oh no not another attack what happened
next blew me away. I soon found out another plane had crashed, this time in
Queens where I am originally from in New York. I was so worried I thought it
must have been brought down by one of these terrorists yet again. I was
astonished when they mentioned the flight number and its destination. It was
American Airlines flight 587; yes the flight that I was on but only a week ago
and it was headed to the Dominican Republic. I got chills up my spine.
I was numb all over thinking that this couldve been me on this flight at
this time. I saw this as a message from God that he was trying to tell me
something. This wasnt the first time in less then a month that I came close to
death. I thought to myself God is trying to tell me something. A week after
that supplication I started to have cramps, these cramps were different from
the usual first trimester cramping. I brushed it off like no big deal. As the
weekend continued the cramping got more severe and then I started to have
bleeding. I was so frightened was I having a miscarriage? I hurried to the
hospital and they put me on strict bed rest. I went home that evening and
stayed in bed the cramping got better. Once asleep there was this shocking pain
and with this pain I felt that something came out. I didnt know what to do; I
went to the bathroom only to discover a piece of round flesh on the pad. I was
devastated. I never saw anything like this I lost my baby I was
two months pregnant. I went back to the hospital and they confirmed to me that
yes I had a miscarriage and they were sorry for my loss. The next day was the
day of my abortion appointment October 15, 2001.
I had the miscarriage just a day before this appointment. They called me from
Planned Parenthood and asked me why I missed the appointment. I told them that
I had a miscarriage a day before. It was so surreal, was it a miracle from God,
did God answer my prayer, and what did he have in store for me. I felt that God
was telling me that my life was going to change. How was it about to change? I
had no idea but I did know that I couldnt stay married any longer to someone
who didnt want to work and had no ambition in life. So I made a conscious
decision toward getting my degree and taking steps to divorce my first husband.
I saw how badly Muslims were being treated in New York. The aggression that
played out so soon after the September 11 attacks, every other day there was a
report on the news about a Muslim hate crime. It was horrible; I would
literally see people walking on the opposite side of side walks if they even
thought a person was a Muslim. Muslim businesses were empty people refused to
buy from them. People would yell out horrible things to them in the street, Go
to your country, Terrorist, Taliban!! Why are people saying these things to
innocent people? I agree the people who did this were horrible people, but why
blame people who didnt have anything to do with the attacks. It felt like a
witch hunt. I was curious about what these people really stood for my interest
grew larger everyday. I soon enrolled in college and I would meet Muslims and
anxiously ask them questions about Islam. Why do you wear a scarf? What do you
believe in? Who is this Mohammed who you always talk
about? Some had answers but on the most part people didnt know how to answer
me. Most of the Muslim girls I did know didnt wear the scarf and would say
its a choice and Im not that knowledgeable about Islam. I felt that no one
was able to give me answers so I turned to the internet for answers. There I
found out about Islam.
I couldnt believe that God (Allah) had sent another prophet after Jesus
(pbuh). I knew God couldnt have put me and everyone on this earth without
answers to our many questions. Why we are here? Why do people say God is three
when in fact it only confirmed what I personally had believed in since I was
fourteen years old that God was one with no partners. I was seeking the truth
to my questions and Islam answered all of them. This was amazing prophet
Mohammed (pbuh) was the last prophet the last one God had sent to reveal is
final message unto us. His favor upon us was done. Then I decided to do more
research on this Mohammed (pbuh) was he a real person did he actually exist? To
my surprise he was a real person and not only was he our messenger but his
whole life had been documented. I was stunned, this was my religion I thought,
the faith I have been searching for many years and its called Islam. I
attended my first Ramadan that fall of 2002.
Jennifer Fayed
The mosque was full of people. It wasnt like a diocese in that generally one
kind of race or nationality attends a specific church. The mosque had people of
all different spectrums of the rainbow. They were all so friendly and kept
saying salaam walakium, at the time I didnt know what that meant but I would
just nod in embarrassment. It was time to perform the salah (prayer); this was
my first time ever to pray like the Muslims. I had no idea what they were doing
but a friend of mine at the time just told me do what they do so thats
exactly what I did. I would mumble what I thought they were saying and perform
the prostrations not knowing the significance or reason for it. I did enjoy it.
I was amazed that all the Muslims face the Kabah in Mecca, Saudi Arabia at the
same time for every prayer no matter what part of the world they come from. We
didnt have this in Christianity, not at all. The Muslims had an unspoken code
that unified them to Allah the Most High. I
wore a scarf that day in respect to them. I didnt know how the women would
put the scarf on so I bought a two piece scarf that I just slid on. I felt so
wonderful and warm inside when I wore the scarf. I could walk the streets
without men looking at me as a sexual object. I did get stares, but that didnt
bother me at all. After that day in the mosque I made a conscious decision to
wear hijab all the time. People kept emphasizing to me that I didnt have to
wear hijab because I wasnt Muslim. I would just comment that its my decision
and its none of their business. When I wore hijab there was this feeling of
security, warmth in my heart and soul that I was pleasing my Lord. I didnt
care about the stares or the negative remarks. I felt in my heart that I wasnt
doing enough to worship Allah. I was fasting some days during that Ramadan.
Then I started to ponder how I would tell this to my family.
I had told my father that I was reading about a religion that comes from the
east, all he told me was its good to gain knowledge in different cultures and
religions I think that one flew by his head by a long shot. When my mother
arrived from the Dominican Republic I was seriously considering declaring my
shahada. I just didnt know how I would tell all of my family especially my mom
considering she was so critical of me. I was wearing hijab already so I didnt
feel good taking it off just to please her because my duty was to Allah then my
parents. As a result, I decided to get it passed my younger sister Catherine.
She and I are five years apart but I thought to tell her first as to see what
might be the response of my parents. I called her and said, Hey Catherine I
did something She wasnt shock as I usually did things that were out of the
norm. She told me What did you do this time Jennifer? I bluntly told her that
I was considering becoming a Muslim and that I
already wore the headscarf. She went ballistic in laughter. She told me that
now I had definitely done it and that my parents would kill me figuratively,
and that she couldnt believe that I was one of those terrorists.
She quickly followed with youre my sister and I love you no matter what
religion you become but that our parents would probably go into an attack of
some sort. The funniest thing though was that telling my younger sister you can
only expect some form of sibling rivalry. She soon remarked Dont tell mom and
dad without me being there so I can see you go down with a laugh. I knew she
was joking, and to my surprise I couldnt believe how mature she had become
during that year. As you can expect, I told my parents and my dad took it well
I guess most men would if it means that their daughters would cover their
bodies. My mother on the other hand, was furious and shocked. She kept trying
to convince me that I was in the wrong and that Islam wasnt the right
religion. The thing that bothered her the most was that I was wearing hijab. It
took them about two weeks to calm down with the whole idea that I was changing
my religion. They soon accepted me after that, however my mom
kept persisting that this was only a phase and that I would come to my senses.
One week later, I had made my decision to declare my shahada.
I woke up on the first Friday of January with the feeling that this was the
day, this was the day I was going to say my shahada. I was going to make my
declaration that there is no true god (deity) but God (Allah) and Mohammed is
the Messenger (Prophet) of God. I took my shower and jumped on the train and
went to the mosque to make my declaration. I saw the sheik and told him I want
to make my shahada today. He looked at me with a smirk and said Are you sure,
is this what you really want to do? I was so excited I told him Yes, Yes,
this is my decision and so that day all my fellow brothers and sisters in
Islam joined with me to witness my reversion to Islam. All and all I felt
normal that day so many people congratulated me on my reversion and told me if
I needed anything they would help me. I felt so lucky; here I was with a new
family a nation of people from all different parts of the world. On that Friday
night I went to sleep. My first night as a Muslim I thought,
later that evening around fajr time I had the most beautiful dream a blessed
vision.
I was in a valley, full of beautiful green grass and gorgeous hills nothing I
have ever seen in this life, and I was walking there towards a man. The person
came towards me also, he was dressed in a white galabiya his face was like
light not a humanly face but bright like the sun. I felt so warm and safe. He
held my hand and we walked together to a big round rock which he sat on and I
sat on the grass. He then told me Welcome to Islam. When I woke up I had this
wonderful feeling in my heart. I thought this was the Prophet may the blessings
of Allah be upon him. He came to welcome me to Islam. I later found out that it
wasnt Prophet Mohammed (pbuh), but it was one of Allahs (swt) angels who had
welcomed me into the fold of Islam for angels dont have a human face but it is
blurred. I felt so special from that day forward. An angel, an angel of Allah
came to greet me to Allahs religion my religion the faith that I so eagerly
craved from a young age, Islam the one true
religion.
Source: http://islamonline.net/english/journey/2006/02/jour02.shtml
Jennifer Fayed is an aspiring writer living in North Carolina, USA. She has a
degree in business marketing and is an active member of the Muslimah Writers
Alliance. Read more of her writings at http://jenniferfayed.blogspot.com/
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