http://snipurl.com/8c3l Republicans: A Prose Poem by Eliot Weinberger
continued... Republicans like technology. Although most programs for low-income housing and job training have been greatly reduced or eliminated, the Department of Labor has created a website for the homeless. Republicans like methyl bromide, a pesticide that destroys the ozone layer and leads to prostate cancer in farm workers. The Reagan administration and 160 nations signed a treaty in 1987 to eliminate methyl bromide by 2005. The use of the pesticide has increased every year of the current Administration, which is seeking a waiver from compliance with the treaty. Claudia A. McMurray, Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Environment, explained: "Our farmers need this." Republicans like dog-race gamblers, NASCAR track owners, bow-and-arrow makers, and Oldsmobile dealers. They were among those given $170 billion in tax cuts that were slipped into an obscure bill intended to resolve a minor trade dispute with Europe. Republicans do not like technology. On September 11, 2001, the FBI computers were still running on MS-DOS, which could only perform single-word searches of their files, and FBI agents did not have e-mail. They are hoping a new system will be in place in 2006. Lieutenant General William Boykin, Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence, formerly in charge of the hunt for Osama bin Laden and currently directing Iraqi prison reform, is a Republican. He regularly appears at revival meetings sponsored by a group called the Faith Force Multiplier, which advocates applying military principles to evangelism. Its manifesto, "Warrior Message," summons "warriors in this spiritual war for souls of this nation and the world ." Boykin preaches that "Satan wants to destroy this nation, he wants to destroy us as a nation, and he wants to destroy us as a Christian army," and that Muslims "will only be defeated if we come against them in the name of Jesus". He admits that "George Bush was not elected by a majority of the voters in the US," but adds: "He was appointed by God." Kelli Arena, Justice Department correspondent for CNN, is presumably a Republican. She reported that "there is some speculation that al Qaeda believes it has a better chance of winning in Iraq if John Kerry is in the White House ." William "Bucky" Bush, uncle of the President, is a Republican. He is a director of Engineer Support Systems, Inc., which makes military items, such as the Chemical Biological Protected Shelter System (a mobile shed for a WMD attack) or the Field Deployable Environmental Control Unit. Since 2001, the company has had sales to the Pentagon of $300-400 million a year, and the Department of Homeland Security has ordered a fleet of mobile emergency communication centers for use in the event of a domestic biochemical attack. He is also a director of Lord Abbett & Co., which owns 8 million shares of Halliburton. Jeb Bush inserted a line in the Florida state budget privatizing elevator inspections. "Bucky" is one of the owners of a company called National Elevator Inspection Services. Republicans like electronic voting machines. In the 1980's, Bob and Todd Urosevich founded a voting machine company, eventually called American Information Systems (AIS), with money from the Ahmanson family of California. The Ahmansons are Christian Reconstructionists who want to establish a theocracy based on biblical law and under the "dominion" of Christians. They support the death penalty for homosexuals, adulterers, and alcoholics. They are members of the secretive Council for National Policy, which combines remnants of the John Birch Society with apocalyptic Christians and is considered by many to be the driving force of "hard right" ideology. The Ahmansons sold the company to the McCarthy Group, whose Chairman and co-owner was Chuck Hagel. The McCarthy Group bought another voting machine company, Cronus Industries, from the Hunt oil family in Texas, also Christian Reconstructionists, who had supplied the original money for the Council for National Policy. The two voting machine companies were merged and became Election Systems and Software (ES&S), with Hagel as CEO. Republicans like electronic voting machines. ES&S counts 80% of the vote in the state of Nebraska. In 1996, Hagel resigned from ES&S to run for Senator from Nebraska. His victory was called a "stunning upset" by Nebraska newspapers: African-American districts that had never voted for a Republican voted for Hagel. In 1992, Hagel ran again and received 83% of the vote- 3% more than ES&S-tabulated votes and the largest election victory in the history of Nebraska. His Democratic opponent asked for a recount, but the Republican-dominated state legislature had passed a law that only ES&S could recount the votes. Hagel won the recount. No longer Chairman of the McCarthy Group, Hagel had been succeeded by Thomas McCarthy, who was his campaign treasurer. Republicans like electronic voting machines. When Jeb Bush first ran for Governor of Florida, his first choice for Lieutenant Governor was Sandra Mortham, a lobbyist for ES&S, who was receiving commissions for every county that bought ES&S machines. Republicans have a sense of history. John LeBoutillier, former Congressman and author of Harvard Hates Americia, wants to build the "Counter Clinton Library," a few minutes walk from the official Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Arkansas. This library will be devoted to the "distortions, slanders, spins, and outright lies" of the Clinton Administration. The Senate of the State of Texas is controlled by Republicans. They passed an "abortion counseling law" which requires doctors to warn women that abortion might lead to breast cancer, for which there is no medical evidence. The President's Council of Economic Advisers are Republicans. In order to show an increase in manufacturing jobs, they are considering reclassifying fast-food workers as "manufacturers," since they "manufacture" hamburgers. Republicans like formaldehyde. In support of changing the regulations on emissions from plywood factories, the White House Office of Management and Budget deleted references to studies by the National Cancer Institute and replaced them with references to studies by the Chemical Industry Institute for Toxicology. The NCI's estimate of the risk of leukemia from exposure to formaldehyde was 10,000 times greater than the estimate by the CIIT. Specialist Sean Baker of the Kentucky National Guard, was probably once a Republican, but may no longer be one. Assigned to the military prison in Guantanamo Bay, he volunteered to portray a detainee in a training drill. A five-man "immediate response force" choked and beat him on the steel floor of the 6' x 8' cell, despite his shouting the code word and telling his assailants he was an American soldier. They finally stopped when his orange prison suit was ripped off, revealing a military uniform. Baker spent 48 days in the hospital and still suffers from seizures. Laurie Arellano, a Republican and spokesperson for the Pentagon, said that Baker's hospital stay was "not related to the beating at Guantanamo." A few days later she said this was not true. The incident was taped, but the tape has now been lost. Bill Nevins may or may not have been a Republican, but it is doubtful he is still one. A teacher at the huge Rio Rancho High School-- with over 3000 students, the largest in New Mexico- he organized a school poetry club, which held a Poetry Slam. At the reading, a student read a poem criticizing the President and the war in Iraq, in language that was neither violent or obscene. Nevins was immediately fired by the Principal, Gary Tripp, for promoting "disrespectful speech." He then banned the poetry club and all classes in poetry, ordered the student to destroy all of her poetry, and threatened to fire her mother- also a teacher at the school- if the girl did not. At a school assembly a few days later, Tripp read a poem of his own, instructing students who disagreed with him to "shut your faces." Republicans like sex. Jack Ryan, candidate (now former candidate) for Senator from Illinois, forced his wife (now ex-wife) to visit sadomasochist sex clubs in New York and Paris and insisted she have sex with him there while others watched. He defended himself by calling these "romantic getaways," and noted,"There was no breaking of any laws. There was no breaking of any marriage laws. There was no breaking of the Ten Commandments anywhere." Republicans supported him, because, as columnist Robert Novack said, "Jack Ryan, unlike Bill Clinton, did not commit adultery and did not lie." Ryan's ex-wife is the actress Jeri Ryan who, on the television program "Star Trek," portrayed a Borg. (Motto: "Resistance is futile.") Republicans like meat, and like their meat regulated by people from the meat industry. At the US Department of Agriculture (USDA), Elizabeth Johnson, Senior Advisor on Food and Nutrition, is formerly Associate Director for Food Policy, National Cattlemen's Beef Association. James Moseley, Deputy Secretary of Agriculture, is formerly Managing Partner, Infinity Pork. Dale Moore, Chief of Staff, is formerly Executive Director for Legislative Affairs, National Cattlemen's Beef Association. Dr. Eric Hentges, Director, Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion, is formerly Vice President, the National Pork Board. Dr. Charles "Chuck" Lambert, Deputy Undersecretary for Marketing and Regulatory Programs, is formerly Chief Economist, National Cattlemen's Beef Association. Donna Reifschneider, Administrator for Grain Inspection, Packers and Stockyards Administration, is formerly President, National Pork Producers Council. Mary Kirtley Waters, Assistant Secretary for Congressional Relations, is formerly Senior Director, ConAgra Foods. Scott Charbo, Chief Information Officer, is formerly President, mPower3, a subsidiary of ConAgra Foods. The USDA prohibited Creekstone Farms Premium Beef, a company in Kansas, from testing all its cattle for mad cow disease, for it would cause undue alarm among consumers and pressure the other beef producers to similarly test their stock. Republicans like Freedom fries (formerly known as French fries). At the request of the frozen Freedom fry (formerly known as French fry) industry, the USDA changed the classification of frozen Freedom fries (formerly known as French fries) to "fresh vegetable," so that the food could be listed in the Department's promotion of a healthy diet. Republicans do not like sex. Robert F. McDonnell, Chairman of the House Courts of Justice Committee for the State of Virginia, said that "engaging in anal or oral sex might disqualify a person from being a judge." Republicans like sex. A few days later, McDonnell's campaign manager, Robin Vanderwell, was arrested for soliciting a young boy over the internet. Ralph Reed is a Republican. When he was the director of the Christian Coalition, he campaigned against gambling, calling it a "cancer on the American body politic" that is "stealing food from the mouths of children." He is now the lobbyist for a large casino. Anna Perez, former Counselor for Communications to Condoleezza Rice and former Press Secretary for Barbara Bush, is a Republican. NBC appointed her Executive Vice President for Communications. "I love the television business," she said, although "I have no expertise in it." Paul O'Neill is a Republican. When he was Secretary of the Treasury, he recommended that corporations pay no taxes at all. As it is, only 60% of corporations currently pay federal taxes. Michael Skupkin, founder of a religious software company and leader of the Presidential Prayer Team, is a Republican. He was urged to run for Senator from Michigan, but eventually refused. Skupkin had become famous on the televison program, "Survivor 2," for catching and slaughtering a wild boar with his bare hands, and then painting his face with its blood. The Presidential Prayer Team is an independent organization with millions of participants, who are given daily instructions, such as: "Pray for the president as he meets with Singaporean Prime Minister Goh Chok Ton on May 6. The two leaders will discuss strengthening our bilateral relations as well as the U.S.-Singapore Free Trade Agreement." Mark Rey, former Vice President of the American Forest and Paper Association, former Vice President of the National Forest Products Association, former Executive Director of the American Forest Resource Alliance, a coalition of 350 timber corporations, is a Republican. As the Under Secretary for Natural Resources and the Environment, he now oversees the U.S. Forest Service, and is responsible for the management of 155 national forests, 19 national grasslands, and 15 land utilization projects on 192,000,000 acres of publicly-owned lands in 44 states. He is the author of the "Salvage Rider," which suspended all environmental laws in the national forests, and which was called by the New York Times "the worst piece of conservation legislation ever written." Republicans like electronic voting machines. 8 million people- 8% of the voters- vote on machines made by Diebold Inc., whose CEO is Wally O'Dell. In 2000 O'Dell was Chairman of the Ohio Bush for President Committee. In 2004 he has said that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President." Bob Urosevich, co-founder of AIS, is now Director of Diebold Election Systems. (His brother remains at ES&S.) Republicans support education. This year the President has proposed new education initiatives: $40 million to help math and science professionals become teachers, $52 million to create more Advanced Placement courses in high school, $100 million for reading for middle and high schoolers who still have trouble reading, and $270 million for sexual abstinence classes. Republicans support legislation with cheerful names: Healthy Forests, Clean Skies, Climate Leaders, No Child Left Behind, KidCare. Healthy Forests opens up Sequoia National Park and other parks and national wilderness areas to logging and more roads for loggers. Clean Skies allows 68% more nitrogen oxide, 125% more sulfur dioxide, and 420% more mercury air pollution than the Clean Air law it replaces. Climate Leaders is a plan for businesses to voluntarily reduce their greenhouse gas emissions; of the many thousands of potential Leaders, only 14 have volunteered. No Child Left Behind cuts most school programs in favor of standardized testing. KidCare, a Jeb Bush initiative in the state of Florida, resulted in 167,500 children losing their medical insurance. Jerry Thacker, marketing consultant and member of the Presidential Advisory Commission on AIDS and HIV, is a Republican. He has called AIDS the "gay plague," describes homosexuality as a "deathstyle," and states that only "Christ can rescue the homosexual." The Rev. Scott Breedlove, pastor of the Jesus Church of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, is probably a Republican. His plans for a large outdoor book-burning were thwarted by officials of the Cedar Rapids Fire Department. A city fire inspector suggested shredding the books, but Breedlove said that didn't seem very biblical. Pat Tillman was probably a Republican. After September 11, he gave up a multimillion dollar contract as a professional football player to join the Army Rangers in Afghanistan, where he died in combat. As the only soldier with some previous national recognition, he was on the verge of media canonization when it was revealed that he had been killed by American troops in a "friendly fire" incident. Zell Miller, Senator from Georgia, might as well be a Republican. He is a Democrat who campaigns for the President and speaks at Republican events. The torture at Abu Ghraib prison reminded him of his high school gym: "The two times I think I have been most humiliated in my life was standing in a big room, naked as a jaybird with about fifty others and they were checking us out, now that was humiliating. It was humiliating showering with sixty others in a public shower. It didn't kill us did it? No one ever died from humiliation." Republicans are fighting terrorism. Police and intelligence authorities are now examining immigration files and lists of voter registration, driver's licences, university enrollment, library withdrawals, airplane reservations, credit card purchases, birth certificates, and Social Security numbers in the attempt to uncover terrorist links. They have, however, been expressly forbidden by Attorney General Ashcroft from looking at the lists of background checks for gun purchasers. Republicans are fighting terrorism, but it is sometimes difficult to tell who is a terrorist and who is a Republican. Attorney General John Ashcroft has warned that al-Qaeda operatives in the United States are very likely to be "European-looking," in their late twenties or early thirties, traveling with their families, and speaking English. Republican like large bombs. Having already developed the Massive Ordnamce Air Blast (MOAB), a 21,000-pound bomb, they are now working on MOP, the Massive Ordnance Penetrator, which weighs 30,000 pounds. Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, is a Republican. He does not believe that the wealthy should pay for the education of the poor, so he has proposed reducing property taxes and replacing them with larger taxes on cigarettes and alcohol, and a $5 tax every time a patron enters a topless bar. John Graham, former CEO of [EMAIL PROTECTED], a public relations and lobbying firm for the automobile industry, and founder of the Sports Utility Vehicle Owners of America, is a Republican. As the Administrator in Charge of Regulations for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, he has introduced greatly inferior standards for automobile tires. Judge John Leon Holmes, appointed by the President to a lifetime seat on the Federal District Court, is a Republican. He supports a constitutional amendment banning abortion, has compared pro-choice advocates to Nazis and abortion to slavery, and has written that "concern for rape victims is a red herring because conceptions from rape occur with approximately the same frequency as snowfall in Miami." Confronted with statistics showing that some 30,000 American women become pregnant each year from rape or incest, Jeff Sessions, Senator from Alabama and a Republican, defended Holmes by saying that he was merely using "a literary device called exaggeration for effect." Josh Llano, Southern Baptist Army chaplain in Iraq, is a Republican. At the Army V Corps camp in the desert near Najaf, where water is in short supply and washing rare, he was given a 500-gallon pool to use for baptisms. Soldiers are agreeing to sit through the three-hour ceremony in order to get a bath. Republicans are fighting terrorism. Rick Santorum, Senator from Pennsylvania, in support of the constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, said: "I would argue that the future of our country hangs in the balance because the future of marriage hangs in the balance. Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" Republicans are fighting terrorism. In October 2001, Ansar Mahmood, a pizza delivery man and legal immigrant in Hudson, New York, went to the banks of the Hudson River to take some photographs of the beautiful scenery to send to his village in Pakistan. What he did not know was that he was standing near a water treatment plant and that there was a general hysteria about terrorists poisoning the water supply. Mahmood is still in jail. Haley Barbour, Governor of Mississippi, is a Republican. His campaign was vigorously supported by the President and the Council of Conservative Citizens, which supports deporting African-Americans to Africa, denies the Holocaust took place, and opposes the immigration of all non-white people as well as the "mixing of the races." Allan Fitzsimmons, Fuels Coordinator at the Department of Interior and in charge of implementing the Healthy Forests initiative, is a Republican. Although he has no background in forest management, he has written articles questioning the existence of ecosystems, calling them a "mental construct." He has accused religious organizations that promote protecting the environment of succumbing to idolatry. Republicans do not like children. The Food and Drug Administration has eliminated laws requiring separate testing for drugs that are prescribed for children as well as adults. Republicans like to help impoverished nations. The Administration has proposed that these countries generate income by allowing hunters to kill elephants and other "trophy" animals, and wildlife traders and the pet industry to capture rare birds. It has also proposed that the importation of ivory tusks, skins, and antlers be made legal again. Republicans like electronic voting machines. It was a surprise when Max Cleland, a popular Democratic Senator from Georgia, lost his bid for re-election. Some attributed the defeat to Republican television advertisements juxtaposing Cleland with Osama bin Laden, questioning the Senator's patriotism even though Cleland had lost both legs and an arm in the Vietnam War. This was the first election in which all votes in Georgia were cast on electronic voting machines. The machines were manufactured by Diebold. Republicans do not like international treaties. Randall Tobias, global coordinator for AIDS, is a Republican. After two years, only 2% of the $18 billion allotted to fight AIDS has been spent. One-third of it, by law, must be used for "abstinence education." Much of the rest will be spent on drugs. Tobias decides whether the Administration will purchase generic drugs or name-brand drugs, which are three to five times as expensive. Tobias is the former CEO of the pharmaceutical corporation Eli Lilly, which has donated at least $1.5 million to Republicans since 2000. William G. Myers, recently appointed to a lifetime seat on the Court of Appeals, is a Republican. Evidently a classical scholar, he referred to the California Desert Protection Act, which created Joshua Tree National Park, Death Valley National Park, and the Mojave National Preserve, as "an example of legislative hubris." Republicans like electronic voting machines. The State of Maryland is worried about possible fraud in its machines, so it has hired the Science Applications International Corporation (SAIC) to oversee elections. The former CEO of SAIC and current Chairman of its VoteHere division, is Admiral Bill Owens, former military aide to Dick Cheney. Republicans do not like the cactus pygmy owl, although there are only thirty left, Puget Sound orcas, Florida manatees, Florida panthers, or the Kemp's ridley turtle. Cindy Jacobs is a Republican. She is the founder of the Generals of Intercession, an organization devoted to "winning nations for Christ" through a "military-style prayer strategy." In 2002, God told her that the U.S. would invade Iraq, and she convened an "international gathering of Generals" in Washington, D.C.. "Each of us felt in our hearts that God wants to humble the spirit of Islam and its god, Allah, and that God is leading President Bush." At the meeting, according to Jacobs, one of the Generals said "she had been studying Jeremiah 50:2, which says, 'Declare among the nations, Proclaim, and set up a standard; Proclaim--do not conceal it--Say, Babylon is taken, Bel is shamed.' Some Bible translations say 'confounded' rather than 'shamed.' As she looked up the word 'confounded' in her lexicon, she found that the word in Hebrew is 'Bush'! We were amazed at that!" Mickey Mouse is a Republican. 7.3 million shares of Disney are owned by the Florida state pension fund, which is controlled by Jeb Bush. Disney has an agreement with the state granting them complete control, "free from government oversight," of over 40,000 acres. In the days following September 11, the President urged the country to "Go down to Disney World in Florida. Take your families and enjoy life." Disney refused to allow its Miramax division to distribute the Michael Moore film "Fahrenheit 9/11." Republicans are fighting terrorism, but the one genuine terrorist captured, accidentally, on American soil, has never been mentioned in the 2,295 press releases issued by John Ashcroft and the Office of the Attorney General. William Krar of Noonday, Texas, mailed a package containing false U.N. credentials, Defense Intelligence Agency identification cards, phony birth certificates, and forged federal concealed weapons permits to a fellow terrorist. The Post Office delivered it to the wrong address, and the recipient notified the FBI. At Krar's home they found fully automatic machine guns, remote-controlled explosive devices disguised as briefcases, 60 pipe bombs, 500,000 rounds of ammunition, and enough pure sodium cyanide, as the FBI said, "to kill everyone inside a 30,000 square foot building. Krar, however, is a White Supremacist, and not a Muslim. Republicans do not like elections. After the Presidential election of 2000, Congress approved $4 billion to help states improve their voting systems for the 2004 election. Very little of the money has been distributed. Congress also created the Election Assistance Commission to oversee these improvements. For years, the White House delayed appointing any members or providing any of the funds appropriated. In 2004, it named DeForest "Buster" Soaries Jr., a New Jersey minister, as Director of the Commission. His first act was to ask for emergency legislation from Congress giving the Commission the authority to cancel the elections in the event of a terrorist attack. God is a Republican. Speaking to a group of Amish farmers, the President told them: "God speaks through me." Republicans have a sense of history. Mitch McConnell, Senator from Kentucky, wants to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill with Ronald Reagan. Dana Rohrabacher, Congressman from California, wants to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with Ronald Reagan. Jeff Miller, Congressman from Florida, wants to replace John Kennedy on the 50-cent piece with Ronald Reagan. Mark Souder, Congressman from Indiana, wants to replace Franklin Roosevelt on the dime with Ronald Reagan. Bill Frist, Senate Majority Leader, wants to rename the Pentagon as the Ronald Reagan National Defense Building. Grover Norquist of the Leave Us Alone Coalition (whose weekly meetings are attended by representatives of the President and Vice President) and Director of the Ronald Reagan Legacy Project, wants to put a monument to Ronald Reagan in every one of the 3000 counties in the United States. Matt Salmon, Congressman from Arizona, wants Ronald Reagan's head carved on Mount Rushmore. George W. Bush, President of the United States, is a Republican. To demonstrate personal sacrifice and his determination to win the War on Terror, he gave up desserts and candy a few days before he announced the invasion of Iraq. [1 August 2004] ---------------------------------------------------------- Copyright c. 2004 Eliot Weinberger. This may circulate freely on the internet; for print publication please write: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Eliot Weinberger's chronicles of the Bush Era are collected in 9/12, published by Prickly Paradigm/Univ. of Chicago Press.
