I hope you'll appreciate this:
Posted on 14 Dec 1996 at 23:45:10 by TELEC List Distributor (011802)
FW: Christmas restructuring...
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 1996 23:45:05 -0500
Reply-To: URI Faculty Senate List <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
From: David Nelson <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
'Tis the season....
>
>> > The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
>> > concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
>> > restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
>> >
>> > Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
>> > season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and
mail
>> > order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could
not
>> > sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
>> >
>> > The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
>> > late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
>> > productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
>> > Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
>> > lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole
has
>> > received unfavorable press.
>> >
>> > I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed.
>> > Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
>> > denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
>> > Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
>> > abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never
did
>> > pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one
>> > of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when
he
>> > is known to be under executive stress.
>> >
>> > As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
>> > North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
>> > Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
>> > place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
>> >
>> >
>> > - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned
out
>> > to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a
plastic
>> > hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
>> >
>> > - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
>> > cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
>> > could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
>> >
>> > - The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
>> > loves the French;
>> >
>> > - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
>> > system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
>> > determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
long
>> > they talked;
>> >
>> > - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
>> > Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
>> > have negative implications for institutional investors.
>> > Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
>> > T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
>> >
>> > - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be
>> > afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
>> > egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
>> > productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in
the
>> > selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from
>> > now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
>> >
>> > - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better
>> > times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
>> > are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some
>> > new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
>> >
>> > - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
>> > heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
workforce
>> > is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a
dead-end
>> > job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may
permit
>> > the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
>> >
>> > - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function
>> > will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
>> > longer do the steps;
>> >
>> > - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus
the
>> > expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
>> > Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
>> > congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
>> > the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
>> > unemployed congressmen this year;
>> >
>> > - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case
>> > of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
>> > quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
>> > savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
>> >
>> > We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
>> > animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that
>> > stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
>> > drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
>> >
>> > Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
>> > expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
>> > lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
>> >
>> > Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
>> > necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the
>> > Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division
>> > to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
>> >--------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>>
>>
>>
>
>
------------------------- End Original -------------------------
====================================================================
David R. Nelson
Department of Biochemistry, Microbiology, and Molecular Genetics
45 Lower College Rd.
University of Rhode Island
Kingston, RI 02881
Phone: (401) 874-5902
Fax: (401) 874-2202
E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Posted on 23 Apr 1997 at 08:11:14 by TELEC List Distributor (011802)
joke reminds me of us
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 08:11:09 -0400
Reply-To: URI Faculty Senate List <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
From: Gale Eaton <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
A student forwarded this to me:
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: 1,332
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light
bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
28 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
**are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all headers and footers, and then
add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Marsh Feldman Phone: 401/874-5953
Community Planning, 204 Rodman Hall FAX: 401/874-5511
The University of Rhode Island Internet: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Kingston, RI 02881-0815
