Elvira and the Siege of the
Living Dead
By Patterson Lundquist
Chapter 1
*
Dear Diary,
"Well darling,
it appears the critics were right about that box office turkey...
'Mulon Spooge,' or whatever it was called. I got in for free and I
still feel ripped off. I might as well have stayed home and watched
the rerun of 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,' then again, I do need
to get out of the house more often. The doorbell just rang, back soon!"
After rolling off of her
stomach and onto her feet Elvira quickly slipped into her fuzzy leopard
print slippers, threw a robe around her pajama clad body and bounced down
the stairs to the front door.
"Oh, my," she grinned as she
opened the door.
"I, uh, my uh, you uh," the
hunky young stud stuttered as he stared at Elvira.
"Car broke down," she asked
with a grin.
"Uh, yah."
"Need to use the phone," she
asked.
"Uh, yah." he replied still
stuttering.
"Great then take a second to
put all my cloths back on and come on in," she laughed as she flung the
door wide open.
"Huh, oh, sorry I didn't
mean to stare," he said as he blushed.
"It's ok, no one ever
does."
"I swear your house, it's
the only one for miles," he said as he looked at his surroundings.
"Funny, I remember lots
of neighbors when I moved in," she shrugged as they walked into the living
room.
"I hope I didn't disturb
you," he said politely as she pointed to the phone by the sofa.
"Oh, heck no, I was
just about to hit the sack," she smiled sitting down while folding her
right leg over her left as she continued to eye him like a slab of
beef.
"You sleep in that," he
asked slightly shocked.
"Yah, I mean I don't
exactly go grocery shopping in it," she said as she slightly rolled her
eyes and glanced off to her right.
"Funny," he grinned as he
reached for the telephone.
Before he could grab it a
bolt of lightening flashed through the old windows as a boom of thunder
shattered the silence outside.
"Holy crap," he nearly
yelled as he jumped in his seat.
"Ooo, I love storms,"
she cooed as more lightening made her brilliant blue eyes sparkle in the
dim light.
Ignoring her comment he
picked up the phone.
"Yeah, I need the number for
a wrecker," he said glancing around him. He flinched as he noticed a very
strange looking poodle sitting at his feet staring up at him.
"Oh, don't pay him any
attention, Ghonk, scat," she said tossing a slipper at him.
"Yes, my car broke down out
here on, oh you don't, when will you, oh that's great, fine ok all right,
bye."
"Something wrong," Elvira
asked as she stood up and went to retrieve her slipper.
"Their only driver is sick,
and the back up driver is missing," he said frowning as he stared down at
the floor.
"Missing," she asked as she
sat back down.
"Yeah go figure, listen
it was really nice, and thanks so much for the phone," he said
standing up.
"You're kidding right," she
asked her lip slightly curled.
"About what," he asked.
"You're not gonna go
wandering back out to your car, in the dark, at this time of night," she
said inching closer as a clap of thunder smashed through the house.
"In a storm," she
finished as the thunder subsided.
"Well, if you have a car,"
he started.
Just as she began
to reject the idea of taking him to a hotel Elvira suddenly liked the
idea.
"Hey, that's new, uh I mean
sure yah that'll be fine, lemme' go throw something on," she smiled as she
stood up and sauntered up the stairs.
"This is some place you've
got here," he said as he walked about the living room eyeing the
furnishings.
"Oh, hey thanks," she called
out from her bedroom.
"Kinda like
retro-modern-neo-gothic," he chuckled as he eyed some of the very weird
furnishings.
"Oh, is that what they
call it," she asked as she looked over her home as she came down the
stairs.
"I thought you were
gonna get changed," he asked as he eyed her typical black gown.
"I did!"
"Oh, sorry I guess I
was just expecting something a bit more substantial."
"Believe me honey,
this is more than substantial," she said as she swiped her keys off the
stand by the front door.
"Whatever you say,
you're the boss," he smiled as he followed her out the door.
"Why can't more men say
that," she smiled batting her lashes as she threw the bolt in the front
door and walked down the front walk.
"I bet you're a real
hit around Halloween," he laughed as they walked to the side garage.
"Halloween, hell
darling I'm a vamp for all seasons whose look is a pleasin'," she smiled
with a wink as the garage door lifted.
"You know," she said
as she stopped and turned around.
"I don't think we've
been properly introduced, the name is Elvira," she smiled as she held her
hand out, palm down.
"Oh, yeah, sorry, mine
is Taylor," he smiled shaking her hand.
"Ooo groovy, first
Taylor I've met, and believe me I've met them all," she laughed as she
unlocked the car door and slid in.
"Some how I'm not
surprised," he muttered to himself with a grin as she unlocked his door.
"So, what will it be,
the Super 8, the Motel 6, or are you feeling up for the big time at
Ed's Plush Gardens and Svelte Rooms Per Night," she smiled as they pulled
out of her driveway and headed down the dark road.
"That's a mouthful."
"Yah, you're telling
me," she chuckled.
Not more than a few
miles down the road they saw up ahead the strobing yellow lights of a
wrecker. Pulled off to the side of the road near the old Becker Cemetery.
"Hey, isn't that a
wrecker," Elvira exclaimed as she slowed down.
"Yeah, pull over maybe
I can get him to pick up my car."
"Sure thing kiddo."
After rolling to a
stop just a few feet from the wrecker both Elvira and Taylor stepped out
of the car.
"Whoa, that is not
exhaust," Elvira exclaimed as she clamped her thumb and index finger over
the tip of her nose.
"Smells like sulfur,
or like Cadiledic converter fumes," Taylor exclaimed waving his hand in
front of his face.
"Nah, more like all
you can eat night at Juans Taco Shack," Elvira tried to joke as goose
bumps began to sprinkle across her skin.
The odor grew more
intense as they approached the wrecker. Elvira glanced from her left to
her right. Something caught her attention off in the distance behind the
cemetery fence. She stepped slightly off the roadside as Taylor walked
toward the wrecker.
"The engine is still
running," he called out to her as she stepped through the weeds.
"Uh, yah, ok," she
muttered still walking closer to the fence.
The wind picked up and
pushed out from the cemetery. The smell poured around Elvira as she
stumbled backwards gaging.
"Whoa, ok that's
brutal," she coughed picking up the train on her gown as she began to turn
back.
Something in the
distance caught her attention again.
"Taylor, come here,"
she called through a plugged nose.
She squinted to see in
the darkness ahead.
"Something wrong," he
called to her, still back at the wrecker.
"Yah, I think, get
over here," she called again still straining to see in the dark.
She was sure she had
seen someone lumbering around in the darkness among the old broken tomb
stones.
"What's up, ugh,
that's rank," Taylor said covering his nose.
"Yah no kidding, ok
look over there, you see that," she asked.
"No, wait, I think,"
he squinted trying to see.
"Looks like someone's
moving around in there," she said quietly.
"Maybe it's the
grounds keeper," he tried to reason.
"Yah, on the midnight
shift," she scoffed.
"Or grave robbers,"
Taylor chuckled as he playfully jabbed Elvira in the side.
"Uh, I've seen enough
movies to know that grave robbers use flash lights," she said slowly
stepping back giving him an annoyed smile.
"Ok, what then, hey
wait maybe it's the back up wrecker guy," Taylor said leaning on the
fence.
"You know, ok that
makes sense, but what's he doing in the cemetery," she asked again looking
into the darkness.
"Beats the hell out of
me, maybe he's drunk," Taylor replied.
"Lot of good he'll do
you drunk, then you'll need another wrecker," she said jabbing him in the
side.
"Hello," Taylor yelled
at the top of his lungs.
Elvira nearly jumped
out of her gown.
"What the hell are you
doing? You don't scream 'Hello' out into a dark graveyard! Haven't you
watched any scary movies, it's like a death wish. You might as well go
camping in some old woods named after that chick from the Facts of Life!"
"Yeah, those are
movies, this is real life and," Taylor started but was cut off by a
distant sound.
Elvira's stomach
flopped slightly and her skin began to crawl as the sound of mournful
moaning seemed to roll towards them from with in the darkness of the
cemetery.
"And I'm pretty damn
sure that was a moan," she said as she stepped back.
"Oh come on," Taylor
said with a nervous laugh.
"Yeah, ok you go play
Buffy and I'll wait in the car!"
Elvira yanked up the
train of her gown, turned heel and took off through the weeds.
"Don't leave me here,"
Taylor yelled as he started after her.
"Help me," a voice
seemed to scream distantly from behind him.
"What," he said
whipping around.
Elvira stumbled to a
stop, her ears meeting with the distant cry for help.
"Keep running Elvira,
keep running," her mind yelled at her.
"Taylor," she said
glancing back.
"Yeah, I'm right here,
did you hear that," he replied his form vaguely visible in the dim light.
"Yeah I did, now are
you coming or am I," she started.
"Holy," Taylor blurted
as he fell back from the fence.
"What the," Elvira
yelled turning towards him taking a few steps.
"Oh my Godzilla,"
Elvira screamed as an old man in a wrecker uniform threw himself against
the iron fence.
"Help me, oh God help
me," he cried.
"Ohmigawd," Elvira
screamed stumbling back, catching her heel in her gown she flopped
backwards into the weeds.
"Are you ok," Taylor
yelled jumping up towards the old man.
"They bit me, oh God
they bit me, help they're trying to eat me," he cried reaching through the
fence.
"Who, what, where,"
Taylor yelled as he looked behind the man.
"Them, the, oh God
help," he screamed as he suddenly was yanked back from the fence.
Elvira scrambled in
the weeds and finally bolted up to her feet. Swiping a weed from her face.
"What the hell is
going on," she started as she stamped up in the dirt beside Taylor.
Just as she looked
toward the cemetery a flash of lightening pulsed through the sky. The
cemetery illuminated.
Elvira screamed.
There among the forest
of old and worn tomb stones loomed a small crowd of rotting corpses. Their
bodies rotting, weeds hanging from their cloths, their blank eyes staring
back.
"What, how, it's,"
Taylor stuttered.
"Move your butt,"
Elvira yelled snatching him by the collar as she turned to run.
"But the old man,"
Taylor yelled as he tried to keep up with Elvira as she high heeled it
through the weeds out to the highway.
"But nothing, we are
getting the heck out of Dodge," she said swishing around the front of the
car clutching her gown.
"He might need help!"
"Nothing but a shotgun
blast to the head will help him now," she yelled as she shoved the key
into the ignition.
"What, kill him,"
Taylor yelled in shock.
"Give him half an hour
and he'll be up doing the zombie stomp just like the rest of those
creeps!"
Taylor looked out the
window as he saw the first of the zombies falling over the fence.
"Elvira, the're coming
out here," he yelled.
"Start damnit," she
cursed at the Macabre Mobile.
The engine roared to
life.
"Oh my god," he yelled
as she threw the car into gear, stamped the gas and lurched forward as a
shower of dirt and dust shot out from under the back tires.
"There were, more than
I could count," he gasped as he looked over at her.
"Don't talk, let me
think ok," she snapped looking in her rearview mirror.
"Hundreds, we gotta
get into town," Taylor replied with a blank face as he switched on the
radio.
Static.
He turned the dial.
Static.
"Darling, I think they
beat us to it," she said as her eyes grew wide.
"You mean, oh God,"
Taylor said quietly as they roared down the dark road.
"You'll be ok, you've
got me, and if anyone can survive something like this it's yours cruelly,"
Elvira said quietly still staring at the road.
"What are we gonna
do," he asked as he looked over at her.
"The only thing I can
think of right now," she said as she looked over at him, his handsome eyes
filled with fear and worry.
"What's that," he said
quietly.
"Stay alive," she
replied.