Recently an esteemed Vort member suggested to another esteemed Vort member that the latter might benefit from the viewing of a DVD titled "The Privileged Planet".
See: http://www.illustramedia.com/tppinfo.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Privileged_Planet In this DVD it is speculated that our world beat astronomical odds and ultimately produced a rare condition known as "life". The affliction infected the entire exterior of our planet. The DVD infers that someone in particular must be held accountable for causing this rare condition. The DVD in question reminded me of a recently discovered unpublished manuscript fragment attributed to the late author, Douglas Adams. A tiny portion of that discarded manuscript has been faithfully transcribed below: * * * * * Sentient species from all corners of the galaxy have observed in total dismay a classification of chemically based life forms that evolved around the carbon-based matrix. For undecipherable reasons there is a strong tendency for carbon based life forms to acquire a belief that assumes that their chemistry is the only possible configuration capable of supporting life throughout the entire universe, *especially* intelligent life. Many of these creatures in fact fervently believe that life on their own planet is the only place where it could possibly exist anywhere in the entire universe. In other words, visiting planets where carbon-based life forms flourish is not considered to be a very good idea. If you must, do it discretely. After extensive deliberations it was eventually decided that the best course of action would be to quarantine these life forms. The decision seemed to resolve several potential conflicts, including the psychological issue predicated around a carbon-based life form's profound belief that no other intelligent life could possibly exist elsewhere in the entire universe. Before the quarantine decision had been implemented there had been valiant attempts over the eons to initiate contact, particularly when it was noticed that they begin passing around little pieces of green paper other while simultaneously accumulating alarming amounts of technology. Contacts were attempted in spite of the fact that most felt it was unwise to do so, and that a more sensible course of action would be to simply leave them alone to their paper shuffling routines because the relentless pursuit of technology would eventually take care of the situation. It was noted that when deliberate attempts at contact actually managed to become consciously recognized as a phenomenon not originating from their own planet the incidents tended to be labeled as incomprehensible objects that should either ignored or shot down, or as messages originating from benign or evil spirits, or as psychological hallucinations best ignored, and if impossible to ignore heavily medicated out of conscious awareness. The cause of these psychological anomalies remains a mystery. The most popular theory suggests the aberrant perceptions might be due to a fatal flaw known to exist within the makeup of a universally detested class of molecules belonging to the hydrocarbon family. The molecule is widely regarded by most species as a noxious substance best avoided at all costs, preferably to be left undisturbed and buried deep underground. Unfortunately, like the insatiable appetites such as those belonging to the Mucus Waddlesnot Sucking Slime Leeches of Reigel 12, these carbon-based creatures seem to go out of their way to extract the noxious molecule. Once brought to the surface they proceed to burn it openly in their planetary atmosphere. As a result of this dubious activity the flawed molecule begins to slowly accumulate within the atmosphere while simultaneously producing additional unwanted molecular byproducts, all in alarming proportions. It is theorized that when these airborne molecules exceed a certain atmospheric threshold it causes the central processing unit of carbon based life forms to malfunction. The capacity to make logical deductions associated with strategic survival skills seem to fixate, as if caught in an infinite loop, on a number of irrational convictions. Some of the more noticeable fixations appear to be the conviction that they are privileged beings, the conviction that they live on a privileged planet, the conviction that they possess a divinely ordained superior position in the universe, the conviction that they are entirely alone in the universe, and last of all, a profound conviction revolving around the belief in the existence of a very large unseen, stern, disapproving mythical creature that went by several disputed names, a creature who seems to hold ransom on the actions of everyone. As the erroneous molecule and associated molecular byproducts continue accumulating within the atmosphere, the planet begins to boil and eventually reverts back to a benign primordial gaseous state. It has been speculated, perhaps wistfully by certain races known to possess a romantic flair, that the laws of nature may actually sense the terrible mistake transpiring on the surfaces of these planetary systems and subsequently rectifies the situation in an expedient manner. There is no known cure for the collection of these cascading malfunctions. For eons intelligent races, along with a few less intelligent ones, pondered how best to keep this annoying carbon-based anomaly from spreading throughout the rest of the galaxy. Eventually a solution was offered by the Vogon race, which came to be known as "Project Dark Star". They suggested that all newly forming proto-planetary systems that showed the slightest hint of developing towards a carbon-based matrix be sterilized immediately. At the conclusion of protracted and occasionally heated deliberations the consensus was that the proposal was probably the only plan that had a fighting chance of being successfully implemented. Contract requests were issued to find out who might be interested in managing "Project Dark Star". Predictably, the bid was awarded to the Vogons who are notoriously skilled at low-balling any contract proposal brought forth by any species naive enough to believe they could competitively outbid them. However, due to an extended symposium on the origins of Vogon Poetry (Classical Era) held on Vogon Prime, sponsored entirely by the Vogons, the paperwork authorizing the necessary resources have yet to be completely notarized, stamped and approved, filled out in triplicate and deposited at the appropriate bureaucratic repositories. So far, no one has volunteered to enter the symposium to ask the Vogons when they might be thinking of wrapping things up. This is primarily due to the fact that, galaxy wide, no insurance institution has ever been willing to issue a policy specifically for casualties induced by accidental exposure to Vogon poetry. A final warning: When it comes to rare but unavoidable contacts with carbon based life forms incidents that defy rational explanation often seem to be the norm. Even with the best quarantine systems in place accidents happen. For example, a bizarre series of skirmishes transpired on a planetary system that recently had its classification upgraded to "mostly harmless" where... [remaining text garbled] * * * * * * PS: When recently confronted as to whether the "lost text" was in fact a complete fabrication, OrionWorks pleaded the fifth. -- Regards Steven Vincent Johnson www.OrionWorks.com www.zazzle.com/orionworks
