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Anulka and Marianne Morris in Vampyres, one recommended entry in the Bloodsuckers Film Festival | They say that guys dig werewolves and girls dig vampires. To a chick, the idea of a tall, mysterious man floating into her bed chamber and suckling her neck--he doesn't want sex, he just wants to nuzzle--is a real turn on. Guys, on the other hand, dig the hairy beast who howls at the moon, eats when he's hungry, and pisses against a tree.
You would think, then, that in honor of Halloween I might do a review of great werewolf movies. But I'm doing vampires. The reasons are two: one, there are few good werewolf movies (An American Werewolf in London and . . . what?); and two, in the hands of the right (male) filmmaker, vampires can be a helluva lot cooler than Frank Langella in a tuxedo.
So hit the video store, crank up the VCR and/or DVD, and let's share a night of some of the best vampire flicks out there.
MANLIEST | FUNNIEST | SEXIEST | CLASSIC | MOST ENTERTAINING
MANLIEST VAMPIRE FLICK
John Carpenter's Vampires
Director: John Carpenter
Year: 1998
Starring: James Woods, Sheryl Lee, Daniel Baldwin, Tim Guinee, Maximilian Schell
What Makes It Manly: James Woods kicking the shit out of everyone, vampire and human alike
If James Woods had been in the cast of Terms of Endearment, he'd have fucked Shirley MacLaine, beaten the shit out of Jeff Daniels, and told Debra Winger to shut up and die already. That's my longwinded way of saying, put James Woods in a movie, and it's instantly "Guy."
As vampire hunter Jack Crow, he describes vampires this way: "First of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fags fucking around seducing everyone in rented formal wear. . . Crosses don't work, they don't turn into bats, and garlic? You stand there with garlic around you neck, they're gonna take a walk up your estrada chocolata while sucking the blood outta you."
Dude is of single-minded dedication to killing vampires, to the point that he thinks nothing of slicing a priest with a knife if it means getting information to help track down the head ghoul (don't worry--by the end of the picture Jack and said priest are best of friends).
Sure the pic owes a lot to From Dusk Till Dawn, but From Dusk Till Dawn owed a lot to Dawn of the Dead, so no one's blameless here. Anyway, Vampires is a better movie. Sheryl Lee looks sexy, vampires explode, vampire killers get sliced in half, and James Woods gets to kick a lot of ass.
Definitely a must for your bloodsuckers film festival.
FUNNIEST VAMPIRE FLICK
Vampire's Kiss
Director: Robert Bierman
Year: 1989
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jennifer Beals, Maria Conchita Alonso
What Makes It Funny: Nic Cage thinks he's a vampire, and spends much of the picture wandering around muttering through store-bought plastic vampire teeth
Detractors of this film find it weird and confusing, but I think it's a scream. Nic Cage is a pretentious, neurotic, typically New York yuppie. One night, he has a close encounter with a bat--shortly after, he picks up ultra-sexy Jennifer Beals in a bar and next thing you know she's feasting on his neck.
So it's vampirism by night, and by day, he torments an office secretary played by Maria Conchita Alonso. ("How do you misfile something??? It's all alphabetical! It's just A, B, C . . ." and so on in what is almost certainly the most maniacal recitation of the English alphabet in cinema history.)
Cage isn't quite sprouting fangs, so he picks some up at a costume shop. He doesn't quite have the balls for drinking human blood yet, so he starts with pigeons and cockroaches. Yes, Cage actually eats a live cockroach on screen in this picture, an act that, according to lore, incurred the wrath of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. (Those guys are the real wackos.)
Whether you find this film howlingly funny, or just howlingly odd, it's definitely a worthy screener for your night a vampire madness.
SEXIEST VAMPIRE FLICK
Vampyres
Director: José Larraz
Year: 1974
Starring: Marianne Morris, Anulka, Murray Brown
What Makes It Sexy: Marianne Morris and Anulka slurping up blood, then french kissing, then slurping up more blood . . . 'nuff said.
There's little satisfaction to being a connoisseur of lesbian vampire flicks because there are so few good ones. In my teenage years I noodled around in the genre, but most entries, Lust For a Vampire, The Blood-Spattered Bride, etc., are 90% tease with maybe one or two extremely brief erotic encounters. Ultimately more frustrating than titillating.
Tony Scott's The Hunger is the canonical example: hand a chimpanzee a camera and put him in a room with Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon and he'd come out with something sexy (something sexy and smeared with feces, perhaps, but sexy nonetheless). Tony Scott filmed a love scene between Sarandon and Deneuve, and it's just boring--all gauze and opera music and soft focus . . .
Ah, but Vampyres--first scene, Marianne Morris and blonde Playmate Anulka in bed making out. Sucking a little tit. Suddenly, they're gunned down for some reason.
Flash forward, or sideways, and the ladies are vampires, inhabiting a house in the middle of the woods and snacking on passersby. Let me be clear about this: there is absolutely nothing bad about being eaten to death by Anulka and Marianne Morris. When Kevorkian gets his act together and starts offering alternatives to that gray machine machine of his, being eaten by Anulka and Marianne Morris is the way I want to go.
Vampyres is packed with sex. The version I saw as a teenager was packed with sex, and now there's a DVD out there with even more sex. Totally uncut. The vampires make out in the shower, they make out in the cellar, they make out while drinking blood. It's awesome.
This film must be seen, but I particularly recommend the DVD release because it features filmmakers' commentary by veddy veddy British producer Brian Smedley-Aston (honest!) and dirty old Spaniard director José Larraz. Sample commentary:
Smedley-Aston (paraphrased): The framing of that shot is quite lovely, isn't it? The touch of the arm in the background is absolutely smashing.
Larraz (direct quote): Is-a funny, because both the two girls split the body of the man like-a two good sisters--one ball for you, one ball for me, heh-heh . . . I have only a video tape of this film . . . My video is edited for the Vatican! Jesus Christ, I see the pussy of Anulka! How long that I don't see the pussy of Anulka! Fantastic!
Between Bunuel and this guy, I'm starting to think that Spaniards make the coolest filmmakers. Larraz is my new idol.
If you've never seen the pic before, you'll have to catch it once with the regular dialogue track, but I must say, the filmmakers' commentary is even more entertaining. What the fuck, see it twice--trust me, there are certain scenes you'll find yourself watching over and over anyway.
TOKEN CLASSIC VAMPIRE FLICK
Nosferatu
Director: F.W. Murnau
Year: 1922
Starring: Max Schreck
What Makes It Classic: It's really really old
I felt obligated to include as least one classic "Dracula" rendition in the Do It Yourself Film Festival, but I'll be damned if I know of a decent version of Dracula. If some reader out there has a favorite Hammer adaptation or something that you think I should check out, please let me know. Fact is, most of the "classic" vampire flicks bore me to tears.
But if you feel compelled to pay your respects to the cinematic masters of the past, Nosferatu is probably one of the better choices. For one thing, it's very short--depending on the cut, it'll clock in at not much more than an hour. And it's silent, so you can talk with you friends while it's running and not risk missing anything.
Most of your favorite Dracula moments are here--the names have been changed, but much of the story is intact. Count Orlock (the bug-eyed Dracula of this version) sucks on the hero's cut finger, and observes that his wife has a beautiful neck . . . (that would warrant a punch in the nose in my neighborhood, and judging from Orlock's enormous schnozz, he's definitely been popped there a few times before.)
Consider Nosferatu an optional entry in the bloodsuckers film festival. You are certainly required to respect it as a brilliant landmark in the development of cinema . . . but you aren't necessarily required to, you know, rent it.
MOST ENTERTAINING VAMPIRE FLICK
Fright Night
Director: Tom Holland
Year: 1985
Starring: Roddy McDowall, Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse, Stephen Geoffreys
What Makes It Entertaining: What would happen if a murderous vampire moved in next door to you? Judging from this flick, I'd say it'd be pretty cool
So what's so great about Fright Night? Well first of all, it stars two soon-to-be luminaries of the Fox Network, Amanda "Married With Children" Bearse and William "Herman's Head" Ragsdale. Ragsdale is Charley Brewster, and he's convinced that the dude living next to him, Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon), is a vampire, based on lots of coffins and hookers getting their necks bitten, and other circumstantial evidence.
Of course, no one believes him, so he goes to Peter Vincent, a washed up actor who used to kill vampires in the movies and now hosts a late-night horror TV show called "Fright Night". Vincent doesn't believe in vampires, but for the right price he gets involved.
Jerry is a practical vampire, and would probably let Charley live, but Charley is determined to bring the vampire to justice, and when Jerry meets Charley's girlfriend (Bearse), he is instantly smitten. Apparently Bearse resembles, in a standard vampire cliché, Jerry's long-lost love. (Falling in love based on looks alone is pretty shallow--just once wouldn't you like to see a vampire falling for a girl because she and his long-lost love liked the same authors or something?)
Fright Night milks all the vampire conventions--the mirrors, the stakes . . . everything. The final confrontation at Jerry's house--with morning coming, and Dandridge turning into wolves and bats and his manservant turning into a zombie--is just about the best vampire fighting ever filmed.
Any vampire film festival should either start or end with Fright Night. It's one of the most entertaining horror stories ever put to film. |
