Other Axis of Evil Wannabes, by
John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for
membership in the Axis of Evil,
Libya,
China,
and
Syria today
announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which
they said would
be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush
warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil
members, however,
immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for
starters, a really dumb
name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their
dreams!" declared North
Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're
the best evils... best at
being evil...we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied
they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if
they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told
us it was full," said Syrian
President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have
more than three countries,"
explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This
is not my rule, it's
tradition. In World War II you had Germany,
Italy,
and
Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three, and a secret
handshake.
Ours is wicked cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis
of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France
surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed
to gain triumvirate
status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.
Cuba,
Sudan, and
Serbia said
they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil,
forcing Somalia to join
with Uganda and
Myanmar in the
Axis of Occasionally
Evil, while Bulgaria,
Indonesia and
Russia
established the Axis of Not So
Much Evil Really As Just Generally
Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up,
Sierra Leone,
El Salvador, and
Rwanda applied
to be called the Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't
Be Asked to Host the
Olympics; Canada,
Mexico, and
Australia formed
the Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty
Thoughts About America,
while Scotland,
New Zealand and
Spain
established the Axis of Countries That
Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear
Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do,"
said Scottish
Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the
other
nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious
Bush
granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment
of
the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its
members
of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay,
Uruguay,
and
Chadguay denied the charges. Israel,
meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to
join any Axis, but privately, world
leaders said that's only because no one
asked
them.
