Joe d' Mango's Love Note
Three Fridays ago, our guru on relationships, Joe d mango, read a letter to
his wife on his popular radio program Love Notes. For the past 11 years, he
had been giving advice to people who would write him letters about their
personal problems. To the surprise of his listeners that Friday, instead of
reading one of his usual letters, he read one that he had written himself
to his wife Bing. Joe felt that he had to tell his listeners that even
someone like him could go through a marital crisis, but that he survived
it.
In our 11 years of marriage it was just the two of us. I never had a close
circle of friends and she never had one either. Life for us was just "you
and me," day in and day out. We were literally sleeping beside each other
for 11 years. It came to a point that there was nothing more interesting to
talk about. I was aware I was doing that but I never did anything about it.
We were so close yet it seemed like we were so distant.
Then came her new circle of friends. They recently had an elementary and
high school reunion. Remember her persistent suitor since elementary days?
He was there. We already had four daughters and the guy had four kids of
his own. They exchanged phone numbers. They started to text each other and
this bothered me. A big part of it was insecurity and other part was that
she once denied that she was texting the guy. I felt bad because she
started hiding things from me. Then the guy asked her if they could meet
for lunch.
It became a source of tension between us. I finally agreed, but before
that, I told her that I felt that I was going through the same pain again.
I have seen so many stories like this. If you told me the first part of the
story I would already know where it would lead to.
Bing accused me of being a "know-it-all" person. But deep in my heart I
knew where she was heading. Why would a married guy see a married girl
unless it was for business or professional reasons? Finally, even if it was
against my will, I drove her to the meeting place. While I was waiting at
the radio station, I wanted to call her but I knew it wasn't proper. So I
just waited for her to tell me how their meeting went.
When she related to me what happened I felt that she was keeping the other
details. I was afraid to ask because I wasn't prepared to accept her
answers. I told her that it would be best if that were their last meeting.
She got mad and told me that I was starting to control her life.
The following day, I saw a small, torn piece of paper that had the words,
"lose you" in the trashcan at home. I started picking up the pieces of
paper and putting them together. She had written: "Felt sad because I felt
that this will be our last meeting." "Wanted to hug you..." Before I could
figure out what the third one was, Bing was already at my back. She wanted
to get the torn pieces of paper back. She said it was private property.
We decided to talk. By then, I was able to figure out the third line:
"Not sure if afraid to lose you." She had crossed it out and beside it,
she had written, "Wanted to cry." That was what hit me. How could you
lose something that's not even with you yet? That was a confirmation
that she was getting emotionally attached to the guy. We fought because
she didn't want to admit it. She said that what she had written was all
about friendship and not about love. For the first time in our marriage
she asked for freedom from me.
For 11 years we were always together, and now this. She had discovered her
own little world and wanted to explore it. I didn't want to give it to
her but finally I gave in. I told her that she could do anything she
wanted and not worry about how I would feel. In fact, I told her that I
was planning to leave her and kids for a while so we could give each other
the chance to be alone.
We decided to give the new arrangement a try. The following
day, Thursday, I went to work early and she texted me. I never answered
back. When I didn't respond, she called me. She said, "I'm sorry. I love
you and I miss you." For the first time in our marriage I said, "I love you
and I miss you too" with tears in my eyes. I realized how much I loved her
but I also knew how much she wanted her freedom.
When I arrived at the station I asked for a leave. My boss advised & got
me to think it over, but he said that he would allow me to go on leave.
After letting it all out I felt relieved. It was the first time in my
life that I asked for advice about our relationship.
While I was talking with my boss, a messenger arrived with 12 white roses
arranged in a basket. It came from Bing. Then a text message on
my cellphone came, "I know that no material things can ease the
pain that you're feeling right now, but these flowers signify my pure
and sincere intentions. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me."
Still, a question continued to bug me: "I'm giving you the freedom.
Will you choose to stay or go on?" I read the card, and it had the answer
to my question: "Dear Dad, I finally realized that I made a very big
mistake in choosing a newfound friendship at the expense of our
long-time friendship. Please forgive me. I will always love you."
Bing called the guy and told him that she wanted to end the friendship. He
said that they could just text or call each other. Bing said that there was
no need. We had dinner and talked up to married all over again. We lost
each other and found our way back. I do not want to go through the same
pain again.
Friday came and it was the first time in the history of Love Notes that
I couldn't do Love Notes. I scheduled a replay. When I was at the station
at or do a replay? I chose to read the letter.
It is not unusual to hear people say "I love you because..." but this story
has shown us that the deeper and greater love is having to say "I LOVE YOU
IN SPITE OF.."
Success requires persistence....
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