Lifeclass: Loneliness is the only handicap
Last Updated: 12:01am GMT 20/11/2007
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For an isolated blind man in love with a married
woman, there are many other ways to find fulfilment in
a real relationship, writes Lesley Garner
Dear Madam,
I am 23 years old and blind. My family background is
difficult, so I no longer live at home but I still
feel the need to be taken care of.
Table with 2 columns and 2 rows
All by myself: Isolation doesn't have to be difficult
to overcome
All by myself: Isolation doesn't have to be difficult
to overcome
table end
My real problem is that I have fallen in love with a
lady who is 10 years older than me - however, she is
married. I asked a counsellor how I could free
myself from her.
He advised me to tell myself that she is nothing more
than an image in my mind. But that doesn't work when I
am alone in my room at night or when I hear
her voice. I want an emotional support.
Yes, I am blind, but what to do with the human heart
and all its emotional and physical needs? Sometimes I
think that I will not be able to cope without
a faithful partner. I have no family support and
living alone is depressing. Can you please suggest
what I can do? Rajiv, India
Dear Rajiv,
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I can tell that you are a resilient person because,
although you tell me that you are blind and live apart
from your family, you believe your real problem
to be that you have fallen in love with an unavailable
woman.
Many people would think that your greatest problem is
your handicap, but you have over-ridden that to focus
on the hell of being in the grip of an unattainable
passion.
My heart goes out to you. At 23, the needs of the
heart and body are intolerably urgent. The only
advantage of age and experience when it comes to
relationships
is that over time you earn the knowledge that one does
fall out of love.
One does survive. A broken heart does mend and set
itself up to be broken all over again. Or, better, it
mends and is offered to somebody who is worthy
of it and who is in a position to offer a whole heart
in return.
There are things you can do about this. We are all
vulnerable to the sparks of infatuation, but it is up
to us whether we fan them into a flame or not.
This woman is not a source of happiness for you but a
painful learning experience.
I doubt this is of any comfort, but the agonising
feeling of falling hopelessly in love with the wrong
person is something that millions of us endure. If
we let it, it simply makes us more human.
I can quite understand that this is harder for you
than it might be for other people of your age because,
in your condition and in your social circumstances,
you have so little to distract yourself from your
obsession.
You have fallen in love from a position of loneliness
and unhappiness and this makes you much more
vulnerable when forming relationships. Of course, it
is harder to turn your thoughts away from the object
of your desire when you spend so much time alone. It
is this social isolation, and not your unrequited
love, that I think is your real problem.
The good news is that there are things you can do to
relieve the isolation. This, in turn, will help you
make new friends, release yourself from your hopeless
love and find a better one.
Your letter has made me think of and find out about
all sorts of problems that I hadn't considered before.
It made me think about the opportunities for
love and match-making that are open to the visually
impaired.
It made think about the opportunities for independent
living and working that might be available to you. It
made me think about what life in India could
be like for someone in your condition who is not
getting support from their family. In short, it sent
me on to Google.
I see no reason why your cry from the heart for love
and companionship, the most fundamental human longing,
should not be answered. I have no statistics
for India, but in America nearly 50 per cent of
visually impaired people are married.
I found visually impaired people posting themselves on
dating websites. The joy of the internet is that
people who find themselves isolated in real life
can reach out and find others to communicate with via
social networking sites. That is the first step to
relieving your isolation.
Even if some of the people you communicate with are in
other countries, they can still provide relief from
the loneliness. You may be alone but you have
access to a computer with software that converts
what's displayed on-screen to speech.
That is a huge advantage. Despite the explosion in
social networking available through your computer,
there is no substitute for the touch of a human hand
and the sound of a human voice. I am sorry that there
are difficulties between you and your family, because
a family is the ground on which we learn to
stand.
If I could help you do one thing to improve your
chances of happiness, it would be to encourage you to
live with others and not alone. Is there no branch
of your family you could live with? No group of
friends? No hostel for young, blind people?
A study done in Holland looked at the difficulties
young, visually impaired people faced in forming
social and sexual relationships and found that life
improved dramatically once they moved into hostels,
where they could be among people their own age and
have some degree of independence.
I know that organisations exist in India which help
people like you find work and training and offer
support, because I came across www.tiresias.org, the
website for the Royal National Institute for the
Blind's scientific research unit.
If you click on "Agencies" it will list every country
in the world that has organisations working with the
blind. Click on "India" and it lists welfare
organisations for the blind all over the country which
offer training, rehabilitation, support services,
counselling and accommodation.
Maybe you know all this, but it is really important
for anyone isolated by any kind of disadvantage to
know that there are organisations out there which
can offer information and support towards living a
fuller life.
>From the little you wrote, I know that as well as
being visually impaired you are also enterprising,
passionate, energetic, ambitious and intelligent. And
frustrated. All those qualities can be directed
towards the creation of a happy life.
There is so much that blind people can do if they have
the right guides. They can create great music or
compete in the Paralympics. They can certainly get
married.
We all yearn for the great love of our life, but I
think that great loves arise from a sea of friendship.
It is friendship that gives us the affection,
support and self-respect with which to find true love.
And it is friendship which provides us with the
opportunity to meet new people. None of this is easy,
but it isn't impossible either. The secret is to start
with small steps and to acknowledge and appreciate
what good there already is. I wish you luck.
And if readers of The Daily Telegraph have positive
suggestions and examples to help you overcome your
handicap and lead a full life, I will pass them on
to you.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Do you have any experience or encouragement to offer
someone in Rajiv's position? Or do you have a
completely different problem for me to look at? Write
to me at etc..
WRITE TO:
Lesley Garner, c/o Features, The Daily Telegraph, 111
Buckingham Palace Road, London SW1W 0DT, or email
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Shadab Husain
The paths of glory lead but to the grave
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