For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.
On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.
On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
1.I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2.I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3.I will get dressed before noon.
4.I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan
dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5.I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends
and family that are Web-deprived.
6.I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7.I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8.I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling
them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9.I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10.1I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is
necessary or not.
11.I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the
radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on
highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks
at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.
A CD Player
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of
the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me
puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does
'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" "That means", he said, "that this
machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and
convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other
words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."
An Airliner
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had
just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers
had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you
would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content
to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi
as far as the runway, let alone take off.
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the
merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill
which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the
difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it.
Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My
mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on
the computer!"
Apple Computers
I heard this story on the news sometime ago.
Apple had a new computer under development. Their project name for it
was "Carl Sagan" (I don't know why).
When the real Carl Sagan learned about this, he was upset. He demanded
that Apple stop using his name, even for their private, internal
projects.
Apple agreed. They changed the name of the project to "Butthead Astronomer".
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is
masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did
not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough,
by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a
masculine or a feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because
1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else
3.Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later review
4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine "le computer") because:
1.In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2.They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem
4.As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a
little longer you could have gotten a better model.
You Might be Addicted to AOL if...
•Tech Support calls "You" for help.
•Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
•You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
•You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.
•You keep begging your friends to get an account "so we can hang out."
•Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
•You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
•you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
•you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
•You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (Spanish chat room) "just to
work on my Spanish."
•you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone."
•you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail message
letting everyone know you're going to be away.
•you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it (oops thats me twice!).
•you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or
complete sentences.
•you have met over 100 AOLers.
•you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
•when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
•you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
•you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know
you are online again.
•you know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your
own spouse's.
•you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when
they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
•you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
•you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying
too much instead of the truth (all night online).
•you change s/n's so much that you have to get your profile to see who
you are (identity crisis here).
•you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to
sell your body to get a new one.
•you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they
have computers and cool s/n's.
•your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook
dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"
•you marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at
your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the
room.
•you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.
•you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
•your dog leaves you.
•you have to ask what year it is.
•you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never,
ever do when you first found chat.
•you write a letter like this..."dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i
gotta go bbl!"
•you name your pets after people with whom you talk online.
•you smile sideways. :-)
•you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you
on their buddy lists (::cringe::).
•you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people
you have met are.
•you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore
button handy.
•you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
•your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting and
you think "uh oh, cybersex pervo."
•you have withdrawal symptoms if you are away from the puter for more
than a few hours.
•you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one... hehehe).
•you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
•your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
•you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
•you have to inject No-Doz into your butt to keep it awake.
•you have your computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL's
welcome screen.
•you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
•you don't know where the time has gone.
•you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters
in pen/pencil.
•your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
•you get up at 2 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.
•you spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.
•you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
•when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
•you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
•your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and
I will TTYL."
•you type faster than you think.
•you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL, too, and are now
undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
•you want to be buried with your computer when it dies...or vice versa
•you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
•you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that
scrolls up your tv screen at the end of a movie.
•people say, if it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and
fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable.
•you dream in text.
•being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
•there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really
bored....yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something.
•you double click your tv remote.
•you can now type at more than 70 wpm.
•you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
•you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you
say "BRB" or "BBL"
•you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
•you go into withdrawals during dinner
•you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
•you stop speaking in full sentences
•you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up
"giving" tech support to other AOLers
•you have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
•your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience
•you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see
who's on"
•you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real
name is, so you call them by their s/n.
BTW, IMHO this also applies to CompuServe, Prodigy, GNN, Delphi,
Microsoft Net, ATT's Worldnet and, most of all, the World Wide Web.
(That's just in case you thought only AOL had addicts.)
[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of
these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will
either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]
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